Would you mind coming and talking to me about it please? I think that I might be but I am also conscious that I might just be being ridiculously self-indulgent.
I have had periods of bleakness before: tears over nothing; feelings of anxiety and dread about ordinary things; self-hatred. I was drinking a lot for a period but I have completely quit now. Most of the time I could put this down to stress from work or particular life events so I chalked it up to "just life" and carried on.
Right now, life is good. A lovely family and home. I live in a beautiful part of the world. There are stresses but nothing beyond the normal day to day of living. But everything seems so utterly pointless at the moment. I don't seem to be able to take joy from anything. I am doing all the things I should be doing: tidying the house, getting the DS to school, working a pt job but it all seems to be just busy work while I wait to die.
I am thinking about suicide a lot. I don't think it's something I intend to do but the concept keeps swirling around in my mind and there's a tiny part of me who has some admiration for those who go through with it. I'm not idealising it at all, I just can see the attraction.
I'm on the brink of tears a lot of the time. Someone told me I looked well today and that almost set me off. I don't know why.
But I'm still functioning. I set myself little challenges, like I'm doing an organised run for charity, and I'm doing all the training required. Every step seems utterly pointless though and I am doing it now purely not to let down the people sponsoring me.
I have commitments which I live up to but if they weren't there I don't know what the point of me would be. So I don't just stay in bed all day or anything like that which I know can be a sign of depression (which is another reason why I think I'm probably just self-indulgent). I quit drinking because I didn't think it was helping my mental health but if I'm honest, I think I'm worse now because there's nothing interrupting my thoughts.
I feel like a GP in an over-stretched NHS would tell me to get over myself and probably rightly so. I know I just need to get on with life. I have taken steps to try to make things better myself (exercise, healthier eating, etc) but I just can't shake this bleakness.
I dunno. What do you think? Am I? And, realistically, what should I do?
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Mental health
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65 replies
Ithinktomyself · 16/05/2018 10:33
OP posts:
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