I've namechanged for this but have posted previously about having various issues with anxiety and depression. I'm now struggling with a lot of intrusive thoughts of suicide and although I have no plans right now to end my life, I do feel as though it wouldn't take much to push me to it.
I've been to the GP and am on antidepressants but none I've tried have helped. I have tried to access CBT or counselling but the only place that does NHS say they only deal with mild to moderate anxiety and depression and I scored too high for them to treat me. I can't afford private.
For various reasons I have no one I can talk to about it at the moment. I live with my mum but she has a dangerous health condition which may be exacerbated by stress so I really don't want to tell her. My dad is depressed himself and doesn't need the worry and my best friend has fucked off to bastard America with his boyfriend. I don't really have any other friends I'm close to and am pretty much completely Asexual so have no partner.
I also have a painful spinal problem that is being treated with weekly physiotherapy by an amazing physiotherapist, I'll call him J. The last few months I've been toying with the idea of telling him what's going on. He always asks if I am under stress as my muscles get abnormally tight and I always brush it off but lately I've started wondering what would happen if I just came out with it.
I know they can't keep it to themselves if a patient confides that they are suicidal but my main worry is my family finding out. What would happen? If they tell my GP, I won't be able to answer the phone to them unless I'm on my own. Obviously I should tell my GP myself but I just can't. I can't bring myself to tell anyone but I have worked hard at building up trust with J and I think I could maybe confide in him. It's a big maybe. But that wouldn't be fair to him, I would be putting him in a difficult position.
I'm sorry this was long and rambling and I congratulate anyone who manages to get to the end of my list of woes but does anyone have any advice?
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Mental health
Suicidal ideation
17 replies
starryflamingo · 09/05/2018 00:00
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