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Mental health

Suicidal ideation

17 replies

starryflamingo · 09/05/2018 00:00

I've namechanged for this but have posted previously about having various issues with anxiety and depression. I'm now struggling with a lot of intrusive thoughts of suicide and although I have no plans right now to end my life, I do feel as though it wouldn't take much to push me to it.

I've been to the GP and am on antidepressants but none I've tried have helped. I have tried to access CBT or counselling but the only place that does NHS say they only deal with mild to moderate anxiety and depression and I scored too high for them to treat me. I can't afford private.

For various reasons I have no one I can talk to about it at the moment. I live with my mum but she has a dangerous health condition which may be exacerbated by stress so I really don't want to tell her. My dad is depressed himself and doesn't need the worry and my best friend has fucked off to bastard America with his boyfriend. I don't really have any other friends I'm close to and am pretty much completely Asexual so have no partner.

I also have a painful spinal problem that is being treated with weekly physiotherapy by an amazing physiotherapist, I'll call him J. The last few months I've been toying with the idea of telling him what's going on. He always asks if I am under stress as my muscles get abnormally tight and I always brush it off but lately I've started wondering what would happen if I just came out with it.

I know they can't keep it to themselves if a patient confides that they are suicidal but my main worry is my family finding out. What would happen? If they tell my GP, I won't be able to answer the phone to them unless I'm on my own. Obviously I should tell my GP myself but I just can't. I can't bring myself to tell anyone but I have worked hard at building up trust with J and I think I could maybe confide in him. It's a big maybe. But that wouldn't be fair to him, I would be putting him in a difficult position.

I'm sorry this was long and rambling and I congratulate anyone who manages to get to the end of my list of woes but does anyone have any advice?

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dangermouseisace · 09/05/2018 11:59

Hi starryflamingo sorry you're going through this.

I would suggest talking to your GP rather than the physiotherapist about your suicidal thoughts. This is because the physio isn't best placed to help you. It might be worthwhile admitting that you are actually under emotional stress though, rather than brushing it off, as then he'll know more about what he's dealing with.

It's hard admitting that you feel suicidal to the GP- maybe you could write down how you feel before going? They will have had lots of people admit to suicidal thoughts before, so should be best placed to know how to react, and also what they can do to help. GP's are a bit like gatekeepers to services that can help, as well as being able to signpost. You don't have to deal with this alone, but it's better to tell someone who is actually placed to do something that can help, rather than your physio.

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starryflamingo · 09/05/2018 18:13

Thanks dangermouse. You're right, I won't tell him but I can't tell my GP either. I've tried but I just can't. They know I'm depressed but if I admit to wanting to off myself they'll send me to hospital and my mum will find out as she is my emergency contact. That can't happen.

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Lorddenning1 · 09/05/2018 18:29

Hey, I didn't want to just read and run, I don't really have any experience or advice to give you, can I suggest you contact the Smaritans if you can't face telling your doctor, maybe speaking to someone on the phone may be better for you Smile sending you big hugs OP

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starryflamingo · 09/05/2018 18:34

Yes perhaps that is the way to go. I don't know what to say though and the Samaritans are allowed to trace you if they think you'll kill yourself. That's the problem, I want help but don't want my family to know.

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dangermouseisace · 09/05/2018 18:38

starryflamingo believe me they will not send you to hospital if you say you think about killing yourself, or even if you say you want to. There are so many people who have suicidal thoughts. Even after attempting it most people don't get admitted to hospital. And actually, even if you were, unless you are under 16 then you don't have to tell anyone anything about any treatment you get.

You can write coherently so you would most probably be classed as having capacity to make your own decisions, the likelihood of anything happening without your agreement is very slim, unless you had definite plans that you were definitely going to act on.

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starryflamingo · 09/05/2018 18:58

I don't know. The risk of my mum finding out just seems too much. I live with her so she'd notice if I wasn't home. Yeah I do feel very calm and matter of fact about it all, its actually starting to concern me a bit. Isn't that a bit like dissociation or something?

You think they wouldn't try to admit me though? As long as I don't have a definite plan? I do have the means to kill myself quite easily. A months worth of antidepressants, a great big fuck off stash of beta blockers and enough painkillers and sleeping tablets to put down a rhino. I'm taking them responsibly and as prescribed but realistically if I decided enough was enough there would be nothing to stop me. I should probably not admit to having that lot in the house.

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Lorddenning1 · 09/05/2018 19:11

You seem to have your mum on your mind quite a lot which seems to be dictating how you handle this, you don't want to cause her upset and stress which is a good thing, imagine how she would feel if she found out you didn't get any help and did something you might regret, she would feel a lot worse, give them a quick ring and talk to people who are trained and can help you :)

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dangermouseisace · 09/05/2018 19:27

No, they wouldn't try to admit you. Even if you had a plan, you'd have to have the intention to act. And even then, they would look to not admit you, and be seen in the community instead. Hospital beds are like hens teeth, and as such tend to be for people who are severely ill e.g. psychotic, or unable to manage their daily needs like eating/drinking/sleeping or people who need to be there for safety reasons. Seriously- I was admitted to hospital but that was after many other things had been tried in the community for a long time, I had made several attempts that had landed me in general hospital, and I also wasn't looking after myself (and hadn't been for a while). But it was still voluntary, and I had complete control over who knew.

Being calm about suicidal thoughts is quite normal I think...suicidal thoughts can be quite comforting in a bizarre way if you are depressed. Like there is an opt out clause. They tend to not be so comforting when you're feeling better.

Sometimes it's a good idea to think about the pros and cons of telling someone e.g. your GP.

What would happen if you told your GP? What's the worst outcome, and what's the best outcome?
What are the alternatives to telling your GP?
What would happen if you didn't tell your GP? What's the worst outcome, and what's the best outcome?
and if your mum found out, what's the worst outcome and what's the best outcome?

With regards the tablets I wouldn't worry unless you think you will actually take them. But it might be worth telling the GP you've been thinking about it.

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FlissMumsnet · 09/05/2018 22:59

Hi starryflamingo,
​
​We do hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Sorry for hijacking your thread and we really hope things start to look up for you soon - Flowers

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Lorddenning1 · 10/05/2018 06:39

@FlissMumsnet I totally agree :)

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starryflamingo · 10/05/2018 19:06

Thank you @FlissMumsnet, no I don't mind at all.

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Pindlesandneedles · 10/05/2018 19:21

Hi OP. Firstly I think it’s amazing that you’ve been able to post this, it’s such a scary thing to talk about and reaching out is really important.
I agree with the pp about talking to your GP. They will not automatically admit you but will try and support you in the community as much as possible.
If they won’t accept you for primary care CBT it sounds like you might need some secondary care input. It would be worth a review of your meds and consideration for psychology (I know the nhs is very limited on what it can offer). There are also some privately run psychotherapy services that are means tested so this could be an option for you.
In the mean time you need to keep yourself safe. Put the number for the Samaritans and other help lines in your phone so if you need them they’re there.
It sounds like you have a plan of taking your meds? I wonder if you could ask someone else to look after your meds for a while and just give you a few days supply at once?
Try thinking about what’s kept you safe so far, it sounds like your mums really important to you. What other things are important to you? Maybe make a list that you can take with you so that when things seem at their blackest you can look at the list and remind yourself why you want to be alive.
Please be kind to yourself. Thinking of you Flowers

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starryflamingo · 10/05/2018 22:10

Thanks Pindles. They say I don't have any major psychological problems so won't consider me for any other therapy and I can't afford to pay so I'm stuck. I'm not worried about the meds. I'd rather have the option open to me to be honest. It isn't really an option though. I have 4 hamsters and a dog to think of. The dog only listens to me, really and no one else in my family particularly like rodents so there's no one else to look after them and one has arthritis so has to be forcefully negotiated with to take his medicine. At the moment I have too much keeping me here but I still wish I could just opt out.

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Pindlesandneedles · 11/05/2018 18:19

Hi @starryflamingo, how are you doing today?

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dangermouseisace · 11/05/2018 19:20

starry if you told the dr you were feeling suicidal, they might re evaluate whether you have a major psychological problem. Conditions can fluctuate...

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starryflamingo · 11/05/2018 22:33

Much the same Pindles, thanks.

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starryflamingo · 18/06/2018 11:18

Just an update for anyone who might care.

I did finally tell him. Well not so much told him as had a breakdown in his office but it all amounts to the same. He was lovely about it, swore not to tell anyone without my say so and offered to throw his weight around a bit with my GP to help me get access to CBT. I start that soon.

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