Scared of EVERYTHING

[OCDpanic]

Spending my days in bed because it is the only place I feel safe. Get maybe 4-6 hrs sleep per 24 (for lots of reasons not just the anxiety but that doesn't help). Barely eating/drinking. Feel like a waste of air. Letting everyone down, don't want to talk to anyone. But when I do get to talk to people (strangers) I waffle on cos I actually then enjoy it. SO lonely. Single mum but barely see my child due to they're hardly home etc (adult child living at home). Mainly due to work hours but also cos (and I don't blame them) it's no fun spending time with me at the moment. I have a cpn but cos of limited time available for patients not very often.

I have meds prescribed but I'm scared to take them as had a horrendous time with side effects (have tried loads of others too).

I'm sick of feeling like this but can't see a way out. Just want to stay in bed and stay hidden from the world not deal with anything.

Not taking care of myself at all. I'm disgusting. I smell and I look a mess and I'm so ashamed.

Haven't left house in almost 5 months. Even answering the door makes me anxious hell even my text notifications do.

Not sure why I'm posting this. To confess? To hear from others who've had the same? Well over 10 years of TRYING to "get better" and honestly I don't think I ever will be. I've had times where it's been better than this - but SO far from normal. I can't even remember how normal feels.

Even the better points haven't lasted more than a few months at most. What's the point? It's SO hard getting there and maintaining that. Not just mentally but physically.

I'm SO tired.

[JamPasty]

Hey, I just saw your post - big hugs. You are NOT disgusting, nor a waste of air, nor letting anyone down. If I could I would bring you a big cup of tea (assuming you like tea of course!), but this will have to do: .

[OCDpanic]

Thank you so much for replying. Was thinking the post was invisible.

A tiny bit better today but still having a really bad time of it. Cpn floated the idea of hospital which I am resisting.

New med prescribed by dr after talking to cpn and thinking and looking online. Mirtazipine. But I'm worried about side effects as had so many problems with side effects in last few years.

Still scared.

But - have had a bath yesterday which helped a little (panic attack getting in though and it's usually my 'safe place')

So fed up of feeling like this. Of not being normal.

[JamPasty]

Hiya! It can be a bit tumbleweedy in this section at times! Well done on having a bath - one step at a time is the way to go. I know it's easy for me to say, but i'd give the mirtazipine a go. Worst case scenario you have side effects and have to come off it, but best case scenario it really helps. Oh, and you are totally normal - one in four people have mental health problems, so at least one quarter of normal is facing these sorts of demons.

[OCDpanic]

Apparently so.

Yea I know all the stats etc

But even among them I'm quite extreme.

This is my 3rd bout of full agoraphobia. First lasted 3 months, next 10 months, currently on 5 months this time.

I will give the mirtazipine a go. Apart from desperately needing the help cpn has said if I don't do something Cmht can't justify continuing support. Which is scary as its pretty much the only support I get.

I moved here cos I was promised support by certain people and it hasn't been given. I don't have anyone else. Friends are other end of the country and I can't even afford to visit there let alone move there which I would love to do. We're in touch on FB and they're supportive in that way but that's ltd of course.

Basically I don't have anyone that cares enough about me to provide real support.

Which also makes me feel shit cos what kind of person has NOBODY???

[JamPasty]

That really sucks that you didn't get the support you were promised. And yeah, FB is nice and all, but it's not the same as someone close by who can pop round. It's not that you have no one (ie, don't feel bad about that) - it's just that your support network is not close by. I think that's sadly more and more common these days as people move around the country much more.

When I was really struggling with anxiety, it helped a bit to remind myself that I shouldn't beat myself up about feeling anxious. It was bad enough being anxious, without feeling bad about feeling bad! Along those lines, don't beat yourself up about being agoraphobic. Right now, you don't feel up to going outside. That's ok, and you're working on that, with the cpn and the plans for the meds. In the meantime be as supportive to yourself as you'd be to someone else in your position. Make yourself tea, have a bath, watch some TV you like. Hugs

[OCDpanic]

Thank you you're so sweet.

Yea I shoulda known better as the main person that's let me down has done so all my life.

Yea it's circumstances have led me to where I am geographically not really choice.

I am really hard on myself always have been. It's come up a lot when I've had therapy. That I hold myself to too high standards.

All I do is watch tv and muck about on phone.

I'm not that old yet don't see me ever working full time again let alone using the qualifications I worked hard to achieve.

Been trying to 'get better' for 12 years yet I'm worse now than ever.

[JamPasty]

Ah, the high standards - been there, done (still doing) that! It's really hard to reset that, but honestly, you do not have to achieve most of the stuff you (as in all of us, not just you) think you do (and yes, I know it's easier said than done :) ).

The people that care about us do so because we're nice, or kind, or make them happy. None of them give a stuff how many qualifications we have or how tidy our fridges are (mine hasn't poisoned me yet, so I'm counting that as a win!), or if we've spring-cleaned the spare room (ha, as if!). We need to hold ourselves to the standards that matter to other people (be nice, be kind, etc), not the ones WE think we should be held to. And on those grounds, watching TV and being on the phone all day is just fine. Don't worry too much about the future, just sort today out, one day (cuppa/bath/etc) at a time.

[OCDPanic]

Waiting on new meds being delivered. They're late which is annoying as that kinda thing makes me anxious.

I'm not meeting ANYONE's standards at the moment but weirdly that will kick in as I get better.

I am not an easy person to be around. When anxious I get very snappy and irritable. When depressed anti-social. That's putting it mildly if anything!

[LuluMarie]

Oh love, I’ve been there.

I had an absolutely hideous time with a few nightmare things for years, eventually it was too much and I ended up just as you describe. It took a lot of time and false starts to get any better, even harder because I almost didn’t “want” to. Obviously I found the way I felt and was trapped living unbearable, but as you know, up out and about is so terrifying that it is impossible or can be a hideously uncomfortable catastrophe. So it’s catch 22.

Therapy is really good, but I couldn’t get to a therapist! I was prescribed Pregabalin(Lyrica), definitely discuss/consider this! The terrified of even moving out of bed just stopped. Like that. Unbelievable difference.

The only side effect was my cognitive function, I study and read a lot and I found that I couldn’t memorize for exams the way I could before. That was high level university though and super maths in my head, I didn’t lose anything I needed and was still completely compétant. If you’re not finishing up a masters degree in mandarin or whatever, you’ll be fine! I read books a little bit more slowly too, but still faster than most and i was picking up books again! If it’s that vs prisoner in bed in a skinny disgusting mess because even taking a bath or making a cup of tea is just too much, I’ll take it.

I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but it was amazing for me. So I recommend discussing it. Only other side effect, I slept well at night. Bring it!

Not addictive, I took it for a year or so, I just stopped, no weaning, just stopped because I had no symptoms similar to those I had when I started taking it for a long time, so I though I’d see how I felt. Gently only slightly wobbly (nothing compared to actual anxiety, I was out and about) for about a week, now absolutely fine. I think it was important that I gave it, and me, time.

Less than three years ago I was massively underweight, dangerous BMI and I looked like I had an eating disorder because getting to shop, or kitchen, or just eating were impossible. I was terrified to go outside and I passed out so many times in my local track when I tried to dash out head spinning for supplies that the staff recognized me and picked me up on the way in, put me in the staff room and grabbed the few things they knew I tended to pick up for me. I lived in the dark, opening curtains, scary. No idea why. I got off all social media because I had a problem with a male abusive stalker and although I was reasonable to be uncomfortable that they were watching me and following my life online, I became terrified to go outside. So I didn’t, I couldn’t. Taking care of my appearance felt like trying to climb ten mountains and I had the combination of scared and anxiety you describe even trying to face having a bath. It was awful.


Let me tell me about my day today however. I woke up at six am in the sun in Madrid. I went out and walked through the centre of the city, admiring the view and taking photos. I went to yoga classes, lovely hot shower after, salon for waxing, then did some shopping, lunch in a terrace cafe, read the news, made an appointment for hair colour and cut tomorrow, working a bit as I’m buying a new apartment and ping tax returns, then will wander around enjoying the day a bit more, go to the gym, go home, tidy up a bit, bed. All anxiety and stress free.

The difference is unbelievable.

I do have to try hard of course, take care of myself, try to be kind to myself and not let things unravel and it wasn’t easy. It’s constant vigilance and effort. I was shaking with nerves the first time I went to yoga school and I had to try a few times because I bailed with anxiety. I had to learn to do basic things to be kind to myself again, it takes a while I know.

However you can do this. My family and friends were so worried that they wrote me off. I wrote me off! Here I am today. I’m not telling a story of an easy life or effort free perfection, but it’s a good day. Relative to that time, all my days are miraculous.

You’re not alone and you can and will get out of this. Try therapy if you can, medication (the pregabalin changed everything for me and I had no problems with it, going on or off, I’m so glad I came across it), antidepressants are always worth a try when things are as serious as they are for you at the moment, just throw everything at it that you can. You’re clearly bright because you know what is going on, it’s just finding something or several things that will give you back your self without that awful feelings taking any more of your time. You can do it, you’ve survived so far and I can say with experience, that makes you superwoman. Be kind to yourself

[OCDpanic]

Lulu thank you for your post. The medication is mirtazipine.

I've been like this more often than not for almost 13 years.

I've had good points, even very good points.

After my first breakdown I was so convinced of the success of my recovery that against the advice of many I went back to work full time less than 6 months later. Stupid!

I kept going somehow for over 2 years with some minor hiccups. Then a situation happened that triggered a relapse and what I now recognise as another breakdown.

I have not been well enough to work since. Although I have at times THOUGHT I was and applied for 100's if not 1000's of jobs - not one reply. Which doesn't help my self esteem.

I'm trapped in a cycle of

Had enough yell for help!
Therapy if I can attend
Meds (been on at least 7 different kinds of anti-depressants, plus a few different anti anxiety meds and sleeping pills. Issues with them stopping having an effect or going the other way and making things worse or serious issues with side effects inc near psychosis and a suspected stroke with 2 of them) the last anti depressant I was on worked well for ages but side effects REALLY bad now.
Get a bit better
Try to run before I can walk, pushing self too far
Think "I'm fine" so gradually stop meds without Drs support (cpn and I discussed this the other day. We think reasons are a combination of "I'm fine I don't need them" "I hate how they make me feel {surreal feelings, not 'me', distanced from the world, numb}, subconsciously - "the support is disappearing - panic - if I stop the meds they will see I really am ill and need the support!")
Encounter triggers or life events cause stress
Start avoiding those places/people/situations
The number of places/people/situations I need to avoid increase.
Stay home more
Depression and anxiety increase, OCD and agoraphobia worsen
Back imprisoned in bed, brain jellyfying
Eventually reach "I've had enough" and so it goes on and on.

Recovery never lasts, but cpn correctly pointed out I've never done a full year staying on the meds.

The best recovery point so far was largely in part to a fantastic therapist who I don't have access to now (moved away)

My Cmht is hard hit by the cuts so it's hard to access therapy. Plus at the moment as you've had yourself I can't get there! They don't do house calls.

I need to get my head round taking the meds permanently. (I'm not sure what your diagnosis is but OCD as per my username is my main issue and it's incurable. Because it's physiological as well as psychological).

I need a therapist as open minded and non-judgmental as that good one. I've had some dreadful so called therapists, a couple so bad that quite honestly they shouldn't be in the job!

To somehow find the strength in myself to continue therapeutic habits after therapy finishes. I struggle with this.

Aside from professionals and my adult child (who will naturally want to move out in next few years and maybe start their own family) I don't have any support. As I said upthread I was promised support which never happened. Not in a position to move or to grow support.

Very lonely. That's the thing I struggle with most.

[LuluMarie]

Ok, well you now have me:)

That’s one little step to less lonely because I understand completely. You could be me in some of the things you describe!

Not wanting to take meds because I can do it myself, that was me for years! It took a lot and complete desperation to reluctantly give in and you. About ten years I think!

Running before I can walk, lol, yes that’s me! Oh I can get out to tesco, ok I’m moving across the world, learning three new languages, taking another masters degree, starting a business, literally all sorts! I’ve had to remind myself to chill out a bit! I try for one (ish!) thing at a time. Otherwise I’m setting myself up to fail or to get stressed and tangled up.

I agree on the therapy, same benefits with a fabulous lady, it was live saving and life changing, but I moved so I couldn’t keep her. I haven’t found anyone since, it’s super pricy as it’s not covered by my health insurance here and when I was especially unwell I couldn’t get out to see someone as no home visits as you say. It’s worth pursuing, we both know the possibilities, I felt a bit let down by lack of access and not good therapists after my first one so I took a break from endlessly trying as being let down was upsetting, but it’s definitely something I’ll reconsider in future.

Stoping meds without support, oh that is me. I also just had to accept that I needed to take them. It took a long time and I’m still not comfortable admitting it, but there it is.

For me I have PTSD and super anxiety after cancer at a young age. I was never depressed per se, anxiety I easily admitted to, but I felt like I was expected to be depressed when in fact I really wasn’t. Physical and psychological, I have both to deal with too. Life really! Sometimes I stayed in bed, but that’s tecovering from the treatment, I was knackered! When I could, I was up and living happily! The AD do have anti anxiety effects though and once I ended up an out of control mess like you’re describing, I finally agreed to take them. Side effects are not ideal but I had to balance the way I was just not living with taking on the side effects. It’s worth trying something different if the side effects are too much. The mitra thingy lasted a week with me, my legs were so swollen that I could hardly walk (and I’m young and fit!), so that didn’t agree with me at all. It is a side effect, not super common but common enough. I figured dangerous and good god ugly no. So now I have an SSRI, sleep challenges are the main side effect, along with adios libido, but I work on healthy routine and with that I do mostly sleep, then for libido, well bizarrely because I have no libido, I don’t feel like I’m missing something! It’s a small price to pay and it won’t be forever with me. Possibly on and off, I wouldn’t hesitate in future now if I felt I needed a boost to get on my feet. I do take diazepam from time to time for PTSD and I have no shame there! Valium, vegan, yoga class, early riser, that makes me giggle:) All i need is a facelift when I’m old and I’ll be a fabulous old lady! It happens to help me and usually, I can stop it easily without the battle most people and doctors have, so it works long term for me. I had a tough time, if a touch of valium now and sun for the rest of my life keeps me feeling and acting like me/human, so am all for it.

Pregabalin is worth a discussion with your doctor if fear and anxious thoughts are taking over. No side effects to speak of, no withdrawal issues.

It sounds like self care would be good for you (hard I know, self esteem disappears and stop thinking worth being cared for, but please try). I have to try and it’s simple things like being kind to myself instead of beating myself up over meds or not being perfect. Also recognize the things you do well and praise yourself. Took a bath, well done. Sat outside with a book, well done. Washed your hair, well fecking done! Ate something healthy, super well done. All these things and our positive reaction to them become habits. You just have to choose to make yourself say these things to yourself at first, because it’s not natural at the moment.

I know the lonlieness. I though, even after all I had survived, that the loneliness would kill me. My life in terms of other people is quieter than it naturally was, but little by little. Now that I can get out, I can have conversations without too much pressure or anxiety. I still feel the nervousness as I’m out of practice and shaken up, but little by little is gently easing back in and I put no pressure on myself because if I’m hard on myself, I’m doomed! I’m hoping little by little that will improve. Meantime I try to be kind to me and not think too much.

Elenor Roosevelt said something beautiful about having survived and so can take the next thing... look it up and write it down for yourself in a little notebook (oh, writing it all down is super self therapy too, I swear by that). That can be the kind thing you do for yourself right now. She’s talking about you:)

[OCDpanic]

So sorry for all you've been through.

"I’m moving across the world, learning three new languages, taking another masters degree, starting a business" OMG! Last year during "well" phase I literally seriously looked into

Emigrating (albeit within Europe and to somewhere I have friends who I know would be supportive - they've actually suggested it!)

Learning the language of that country (I have a little of it but not enough)

Contacted local uni about the postgraduate course I was planning to take before I became ill.

Starting a business (I still think about this. As I said I've applied for jobs and got nowhere. Working from home would be ideal for me. Not just for periods of agoraphobia but because any business like this - the one I have in mind doesn't require client contact/local clients - could move with me. I hate where I'm living now. This could get me the money to move and I could take the job with me. Problem is equipment/money to get equipment. There used to be grants for this kind of thing but they're mostly gone now)

"Otherwise I’m setting myself up to fail or to get stressed and tangled up." Or both because if I can't do it all I must be incapable of anything!

"I had to balance the way I was just not living with taking on the side effects" yes - cpn said similar on wed. Yes the side effects are horrible but they won't last and I can't carry on like this.

The problem was the side effects were making me have to deal with the thing I feared most more often - which is not helpful (would rather not post publicly but happy to pm re this). I can't take ssri's they have a very serious bad effect on me. It's even on my notes not to prescribe.

Libido - complicated. I'm single but still enjoy sex with a friend on occasion. But at the moment that's not even possible as I'm just not well enough.

Funnily enough I was doing yoga last year during well phase and I did find it helpful.

"I lived through this horror I can take the next thing that comes along" is that it?

I get what you mean but I fear the next thing. I just want peace, banality, no stressors. But life isn't like that.

[LuluMarie]

Lol, lady I swear you could pass for me:)

Mirtazipine is a good AD for most people. It's called a new generation one, more recent than the SSRIs, wonderfully it helps with sleep rather than interferes with it. That's why I tried it, but I stopped because of the swelling (water retention). In my case however I had lymph nodes removed, I was lucky not to have swelling in general, so I was a prime candidate for something like that to flair up. Hence back to SSRI. I'm not sure about libido because I only took it for a few days. It's definitely worth a try. Councillor is right too, if you take things briefly, less than a year is brief, relapse is more likely, because you haven't had the time or opportunity to develop your coping skills, get your self esteem in a better place, achieve a few things that you feel proud of, get a new routine in place, self care and so on. Give it a bit longer. I felt ready to stop, wanted to stop, but really did not want to get back into that cycle, I just couldn't keep doing it any more. So I took them for longer.

I have a friend with OCD and he takes citalopram, quite a high dosage, he says it will be for all his life and he's fine with that. Happy and healthy.

Yoga, try please to get back to it! I will if you will! It is so very helpful in so many ways. Also people are nice in yoga class, I found the gentle hellos and oh that's impressive and are you new simple conversations stress free, everyone is at their most kind and open because they are also there to breathe. So it's a positive social experience without too much pressure. I'm not ready for the pressure of more than that yet!

You will get peace, that I know. You are engaged and you are trying even though you feel that you don't have the energy anymore. Look at you, engaging with therapy, using it well, trying medications. These are all the difficult parts. Just please try to be kind to yourself, the simple things.

Maybe talk to a doctor about the panic attacks? I learned to just live with them, keep going even when I was nearly passing out and terrified freaking out, but it's no way to live and there are medications to help.

Meditation is supposed to be good, but I don't like the idea of being alone with my thoughts. I really try to take control and choose my thoughts. Letting them run wild, maybe not the best! I'm still gently gently does it at the moment and expect I will be for a while. If you are interested though that is something you could look in to.

I've also had the "What kind of person has nobody" conversation with myself. It does feel absolutely hideous. The answer, sadly, is someone who has had or is having a really hard time. Friends and family disappear. You can create your new little world now. With an adult child leaving soon or mostly independent, you can design your hobbies and who you are. So you can go to yoga class and make it part of your identity. I did and it was amazing for me. You can work on meditation, cooking, reading, anything you would like to do. Just be gentle on yourself. Use your imagination and choose whatever you feel like. The good thing about everything being lost, trashed and broken is that you have a completely clean space to recreate yourself. This takes time of course, your are gently shaping a life, but you have that freedom. Let yourself do something simply because it is gentle and enjoyable.

I also did a lot of volunteering, because it gave me routine and purpose, I didn't feel lost out of my previous fancy career doing nothing, but as a volunteer you choose the hours you do and it doesn't matter if you are early, late, can't make it etc. The pressure isn't there. You tend to meet good, kind people when you do good, kind things and that would be wonderful for you. As you said you are comfortable being chatty once you are in the situation, why not look for something very gentle, you can explain that you have anxiety and may have problems (I don't like to retell my story at all because I remember it and it is better not to, but I've found that with a quick private word saying I sometimes struggle with this, I may without warning have such and such a problem, people are incredibly kind and supportive).

Another thing. This I learned whilst hideously physically ill. Get out of the past, get out of the future. Be present, in the present. You can worry forever about things that will never happen, most people do, it's a complete waste of time and energy. Plus it's too much to deal with, its overwhelming. Just be in the present. Focus on whatever little thing you are doing, one little thing at a time. I've come to really enjoy a quiet moment with tea in the garden, or an hour with a book, or painting my nails, it's my peaceful time. I just focus on that and enjoy that alone. Everyone should live that way, we are just in a situation where it is a matter of survival to cultivate these skills.

Yes, that's your quote:)

[Colbu24]

I feel like baby steps will be the way to go.
Set tiny tasks every day like take a shower one day. Make bed etc whatever you can do to have a sense of accomplishment everyday.
Maybe chat with people online. Read a page of a book every day.
My Mum describes depression as a pain in the soul.
Consider Counseling it's a great experience to increase your confidence and self worth.

[gottaslowdown]

Racing in to give everyone on here a big hug for listening & advising. Op, I also share many similarities to you, albeit mainly physical stuff which then tips my mental health into crisis.

I can compare cracks on the bedroom ceiling with you if you like?

Would love to post more but the lovely LuluMarie has got the energy (& wisdom!) that I don't have right now to share.

@OCDpanic You are NOT alone. There are loads of us out here limping along too so keep going. Medication has helped me at times. There will be some sunshine on it's way to you that's worth being here for!

[LuluMarie]

Go Team Ceiling cracks:)

It’s true that the loneliness is freaking awful, but I have to say thank you to everyone sharing here. Just that little bit less lonely to know I’m not completely alone and honestly I’m proud to be associated with a group of such kind and courageous humans.

It sounds like we all think pretty much nothing of ourselves and struggle to do much, but we have complete belief in others just like us and know what to suggest they try.

I guess we can just try to keep passing this around and sharing it all.

PS Colbu24 is spot on in my experience with the little steps that are actually huge accomplishments. If I am really struggling and I manage to get out of bed, take a bath, clean pyjamas, clean sheets on the bed and then back to bed, I consider that a super successful day and I feel like I’ve acconplished something and made it through the day. It’s a lot to manage when struggling, so can feel proud, plus physically feel clean and fresh, it’s so much more pleasant. Little steps.

[Missnearlyvintage]

No advice her OP. Just wanted to send hugs really, and say that it's great that you have reached out in some way to us on this forum.

It is quite good as well that you seem have perspective over what you are going through at the moment, so in periods of clarity and more positive energy, you can rationalise it and see that yes it has been awful before, but you did get through it, and hopefully then you will see that you can get through it again, awful as it is at the moment...

As unhelpful as it is at the moment, this too shall pass, and the strength to speak about it, details just how much strength you have inside you to keep fighting and sort through all of this.

I've got 'never give up' tattooed on my arm, and it comes in handy a lot...

[OCDpanic]

Lulu

Definitely need help with the sleep. Never been a good sleeper but chaotic home/childhood won't have helped.

I can get to sleep, but I'm a very light sleeper and rarely sleep longer than 6 hours at very most. Wake up anxious.

Don't really care about libido, least of my concerns just now. I'll worry about that later.

Re not taking meds for long enough while that's true what's also true is Cmht withdraw pretty much as soon as I seem "better" too that doesn't help.

Citalopram was the one caused the suspected stroke! So can't take that one any more.

Yes I enjoyed the yoga, even though I was by far the fattest, oldest and least fit there! Teacher and a few others were OK. Couple were a bit up their own arses (even though I was more flexible than them 😉)

Re engaged etc - yea at this point of my cycle I tend to be. But when I'm feeling at my most well I tend to become avoidant of doing what I should.

Drs and panic attacks 'well you've got an anxiety disorder what do you expect' is generally the attitude.

Try guided meditation - not alone with own thoughts then. It's helped me in the past. I can't do 'empty your mind' stuff either but I can do this. Also mindfulness I've found helpful.

I've tried various hobbies. When I'm even just a bit better than now I have a few things I can do alone. When getting out and about there's others of course.

Volunteering - the difficulty is with the OCD I can't cope with people who are struggling with personal hygiene (ironically), people who work in certain professions, people who've been doing certain DIY jobs in the home. Can't even be in same building as them! That's why the business idea not having client contact would suit.

Catastrophising is a big problem. I always go to worst case scenario. That's where the mindfulness helps a little. Actively focusing on the present.

Colbu yea baby steps are all I'm up to at the moment. Bath one day, change bed another, laundry another... Normal people can do several things in one day. Before breakdowns house and child were spotless, cooked from scratch most nights, managed finances, full time student and getting good marks or working and hopefully being a good employee, voluntary role, supporting friends both practically and emotionally... Basically I was doing too much!

I've done LOADS of therapy. Some therapists did more harm than good! It's so hit and miss.

"I can compare cracks on the bedroom ceiling with you if you like?" I know the feeling! Although it's a case of I know the marks on my wall by heart as I can't lie on my back. Thank you for your kind words gottaslowdown.

Lulu yea I'm great at advising others (been told so ) crap at taking my own advice!

Missnearlyvintage thank you too. But honestly at the moment I feel a bit "what's the point?" I've fought and fought and I'm bloody back here again. It's not fair! I do get through it, I get phases where I'm 'better' then something I can't foresee happens and I'm bloody back here again! Sorry I do appreciate what you're saying and you're right of course, just hard to believe it right now.

[LuluMarie]

Sweetheart I just had a meltdown over people still not listening when I try to tell them how not to end up going through what I do. Now I’m crying and back to wishing I was dead. That’s to end the day I described earlier. We’re all a mess really. I am. So don’t feel alone there. Catastrophic thoughts are a big part of PTSD, so I understand the exhausting burden of carrying that around too.

I was also super high achieving socially comfortable superwoman before. Now I’m not really human. It’s a big hit to try to take I know.

The volunteering OCD issue makes sense. Maybe something online?

The mitraz should help with sleep. I take melatonin supplements, they seem to help. It’s very hit and miss with me, I do my best but it is a battle. To be honest if I lose the positivity, I’m flattened. Just happened after repeatedly having to tell the same story that just upsets me but I am trying to save others going through same thing, then hearing nonsensical responses. Why am I bothering?

Then I jump immediately to why am I bothering at all, I am too fat, my life is lonely and f-ed and I don’t want to get out of bed tomorrow.

It’s such a precarious position isn’t it. I’d say something positive but sometimes I just despair.

What’s the point? Honestly good question. I don’t know half the time. Urgh

[Barcarolle]

So sorry to hear all you’re going thru. I struggled with breakdowns owing to anxiety every 2-3 years. Then got ‘better’ and went back to my usual way of operating till the next breakdown. This year and last I had episodes lasting 2-3 months. Fortunately I found a therapist who saw me thru the last 2 and said I didn’t need to keep going thru this. I learned about self care which was a totally new concept to me. For me this involves daily meditation, I love the calm app, journaling, expressing feelings as they arise (not ignoring them), reflecting daily on how things are going. I’m trying to do exercise and atm am going once a week. It’s been a total change in lifestyle and I’m hoping I won’t have anymore breakdowns if I get this self care cracked. The Self Care Project book really helped.

I wish you all the best, remember baby steps. You don’t have to do everything all at once. And well done for having a bath, I know even that takes so much effort when you’re feeling like this. Hugs xx

[OCDpanic]

Sorry I've not been back didn't feel up to posting although things are very slightly better. Eating a proper meal most days, sleeping a bit better, today another bath, done the dishes, changed bed.

Cpn has been, stuff got in way of me starting meds but I am starting them tonight and I feel ready to (although still very nervous).

Trying to do better and hoping that will lead to feeling better.

Still very scared of ending up in the same cycle as before but cpn says focus on starting meds, getting better now and then before next autumn/winter we'll come up with ways to avoid slipping again or keep the level of relapse to a minimum.

Lulu - re superwoman - part of the problem is certain people expecting me to go back to being that person which I think is massively unrealistic and was part of the problem in the first place. My mother in particular who gives my sibling a LOT of support but has let me down repeatedly and admits it's partly as I "didn't need her".

I have been looking for years for work I can do from home either voluntary or paid - all I have found is scams.

Barcarolle good therapists are miracle workers! I'm so sad I lost my good one. When I am at my best I get all 'excited' and keep journals of achievement, meditate, look after myself... It's when I am bad that is so very hard to do.

Even brushing my teeth feels exhausting and a chore.

It's breaking the cycle of

Feel shit and scream for help
Get help, take meds
Doing well feel invincible
Stop doing what's needed cos I think I don't need to do it
Crash!

[OCDpanic]

Hi guys,

So almost 2 weeks since I started taking them. They do make you VERY drowsy been sleeping up to 20 hours a day, but, and cpn agrees, it may be a combination of body catching up on the sleep I was missing before plus I've got a cold at the moment.

Since starting them I am feeling a bit less anxious but it's unlikely it's the meds this early on. More likely it's down to getting more sleep and eating a bit more and more healthily, one full meal a day and a snack. Plus I've quit caffeine and I am trying to drink as much water as possible - still at the peeing for Britain stage, but been here before and I know that eases off.

Since last we spoke (as they say) I have marginally improved my level of activity to doing something every 2 days, one day it might be change the bed, another do a laundry - not huge things but it's an improvement for me. My goal as set by cpn this week is to make that daily.

She is also (and I am wondering if again this will spark me too vibes) going to take blood and do a full screening - I have actually asked numerous

Gp's
Practice nurses
Cpn's
Psychiatrists

If there might be a physical element to my problems that may be the key to my getting well and staying well. I would be very interested to hear your thoughts on this.

Thanks so much for letting me bore you

[OCDpanic]

@LuluMarie how are you doing? Better I really hope.

What is the point?

To live rather than to just exist
To have joy not just pain.

[gottaslowdown]

@OCDpanic Well done you! Tiny steps. Celebrate each one. Def get bloods done. Easy to mix up physical/mental stuff.

I'm still watching and cheering you on. Just v low energy. Keep going lovely

[argumentativefeminist]

So proud of all of you.