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Had enough

(34 Posts)
Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 22:28:45

I have name changed .
I am sick of the depression, hurting inside,hating myself,who i am,who i have become.I am so very very lonely ,the one friend i had left also seems to have abandoned me,i don't know what i do to people,i don't put on them or burden them,i just want someone to be my friend ,be there for me,think about me.
I'm just not cut out for coping with life very well.
I cry in bed and wish for someone to help me.
The rational side of me says that i'm just having another down day, i'm growing very weary of hurting and feeling frightened .

MrsDiorKeanuReeves Wed 09-May-07 22:32:10

Hi, sorry you are down. Do you have a dh or dp you can talk to? Do you have ADs? Can you phone a crisis line or the Samaritans? It is horrible feeling like that, I know from my own experience. Crisis lines are very good at getting you through the crappest hour though.

Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 22:36:35

Dp knows i am low but we have our problems and i wonder if we should be together at all,even though i have dp i feel alone.
Would feel too weird to call a crisis line.
Thanks for replying .

AlwaysWatchingCastawayAt2am Wed 09-May-07 22:37:21

Are you getting help? i promise you don't need to feel like this. Please see your GP. I think you need support to get beyond this overwhelming down feeling before you can begin to do things that will help bring friends to you.

Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 22:40:50

I am getting help but i'm scared that it wont work .

MrsDiorKeanuReeves Wed 09-May-07 22:42:15

I know what you mean about the crisis line. I was made to call one by my GP. I felt silly. I hated every minute of it, but I did it and they were great. They don't know who you are. You just talk or wail down the phone at them. They listen and offer advice and support.

Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 22:42:57

How sad am i?
I look at complete strangers and think to myself"oh i bet she is a nice friend to someone ,i wish she was my friend"
Mumsnet is all i have in terms of friends really.

Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 22:44:54

I would love to walk down the street and feel free ,and not feel that people are judging me or laughing at me.

Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 22:45:32

God even my typing looks silly.

MrsDiorKeanuReeves Wed 09-May-07 22:47:17

I have loads of friends - but when it comes down to it, no-one that I can talk to about having suicidal thoughts

Work on your relationship when you feel stronger. It might be mendable (made up word!) or it might not, but you need to look after yourself. Believe it or not, a month ago, I was wanting to cut myself because of the mental pain. I nearly had an affair because my self-image was so low. I have gained three stone in two years. My relationship is near splitting point and we are attending Relate. I didn't speak to my Mum for nearly 8 months (with a three month patch-over during ther Xmas period).

Life is shite. I have been where you are now. MN helped me and people on here were great. Exercise also helps, as does time on your own to do stuff you enjoy.

MrsDiorKeanuReeves Wed 09-May-07 22:49:03

Don't look at people and think they look nice - chat to them, even if it is just in the till queue in Tesco. Pass the time of day and a smile raises your spirits. Those people might be bitches if you got to know them.

Do you have dc? If so, do you take them to clubs? Do you know a mum at that club/school gate that you could ask round for a coffee?

MaPickle Wed 09-May-07 22:53:04

Rubanose don't feel you have to cope alone, your GP will be able to help you or refer you to someone if they cannot ... dh has had some wonderful assistance over the years. Oh ducky I wish i could give you a hug

Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 22:55:04

School mums are all in their cliquey groups.
I have stopped going to toddler group with my youngest because people there annoy me or are just false to each other.

MrsDiorKeanuReeves Wed 09-May-07 22:59:04

Look, no-one is saying that you have to be best buddies with these people. Passing the time of day leads to getting to know people. You might even grow to like some of them. I think (with the benefit of my own experience) you are being negative because it is easy to shut people out rather than risk getting hurt.

Plus, groups are for the benefit of your children, not you really. If they become friends with other children, it makes the transition to pre-school and then school much easier. Plus, you might meet some people.

When I am really down, I tend to stop contacting my friends because I think they won't want to see me. The real friends make an effort to call me because they know how I am. The others are people I just have coffee with and I see them less regularly.

Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 23:02:11

All my friends have stopped calling me and it seems like the one i had left doesn't care either.
I have work 'friends' but none i feel a connection to.

MrsDiorKeanuReeves Wed 09-May-07 23:03:14

You are understandably down on yourself because of the depression. Do ring a crisis line. They will help you.

Got to go to bed now. Will check the thread tomorrow. Night and keep your chin up if you can...

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 09-May-07 23:04:53

The feeling alone and that no-one cares is quite a big symptom of depression for me.

When I am feeling good, I generally dont have the anxieties about friends or people caring. Its a bit of a vicious circle, isnt it, in that respect?

Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 23:06:29

I should go too but i put it off as long as i can as although sleeping brings me relief it means the start of all the mundane crap again,having to force myself out of bed,feed the kids ,go to work when i feel like this.

Rubanose Wed 09-May-07 23:16:49

VVV-I know when i feel like this that thing's can seem blown out of proportion but re the friends thing it is no different for me,it is always that way.

I really think that some people are just not equipped or strong enough to cope with what life throws at us.I am a sensitive person ,i have even stopped watching the news ,reading links as it just sets my anxiety off and brings me down lower.

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 09-May-07 23:20:15

Well, yes, all true.

Your friend probably has no clue how you are feeling, nor does she realise how she is making you feel. She probably thinks the world of you, but, is a bit crap at showing it!

But, when you are down, it is inevitable that we put the most sombre spin on a situation.

AlwaysWatchingCastawayAt2am Wed 09-May-07 23:31:04

just want to send reassurance. i was the same re anxiety, not looking at news, feeling lonely and unlikeable and looking at other people thinking i bet they'd be a nice friend. i genuinely thought that i was just like that, and when i went to the doc i truely didn't believe anything could be said or done to make me feel any differently ,but a year or so down the line (cbt, then ads) and i have completely stopped having those feelings. my feelings about being lonely, or what people think of me are totally different - i couldn't care less most of the time! and that of course makes you more appealing to other people, i suspect. so it is a vicious circle and worth trying to break out of it.

October Thu 10-May-07 17:22:46

Message withdrawn

Rubanose Thu 10-May-07 20:32:04

Not quite as bad but i had to really force myself out of bed this morning to walk dd to school and then i scurried home again.
Went to work which was ok cos it's easy to pretend but then kids played up when i got home.
Thanks for asking though!

MrsDiorKeanuReeves Thu 10-May-07 21:04:55

Have you done anything for yourself today? Has anything lightened your mood?

Rubanose Thu 10-May-07 21:46:22

I have come on here which is my 'me' time.
Dp is asleep as usual so there is no one to talk to.
My mood isn't quite as black as it was but i'm just plodding along really.
God i wish i could sleep for 24 hours just to rest my mind.

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