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To have my DS adopted because of my MH?

(34 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Wiseoldhoots Tue 13-Mar-18 20:37:17

I know I need help but it feels impossible!

I am on medication which I take religiously but it seems it's never long term happiness.

I've also been diagnosed with BPD & it's knocked me hugely.

Birthday today, was so so excited for it, sounds silly but last year wasn't great so really put a lot into this one. Had so much planned all week.

Well, it went to fucking shit. I've cut everyone close to me out, it's pushed me over the edge.

I'm a crying mess on the sofa realising my DS deserves a mother who's mentally stable who doesn't let small trivial things get to her.

I just want to die sad

Habanero Tue 13-Mar-18 20:40:57

flowers I hope you can get some real life support. It sounds like you made a real effort for your ds, and that you love him hugely.

NewYearNewMe18 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:41:34

One of my best friend has BPD and shes probably the best, hands on mother I know. But she does take her meds religiously. Do your meds need to be rebalanced?

Papplewapplewoo Tue 13-Mar-18 20:41:46


PurpleDaisies Tue 13-Mar-18 20:42:55

It sounds like you’re in a very tough situation and need some real life support. flowers

Have you told anyone how you’re feeling?

dated1988 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:43:20

I have no advice, but i just wanted to give a virtual hug (as feeble as it actually is) and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Athome77 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:43:30

Will medication ever lead to long term happiness? If so I’m taking the wrong stuff! Sounds like your having a crap time.

How old is your DS?

dated1988 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:44:13

Is there no one at all who could offer support, even someone you think you've pushed away?

Bumblebee35 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:44:35

If you can care, provide for and love your son through all your difficulties then I think you and him are better off together. I am sure you are doing a wonderful job of raising him and he loves you no matter what. Can you change medication? Can you get more support from someone? Your son needs you and I'm sure you need him too. Happy birthday by the way

Wiseoldhoots Tue 13-Mar-18 20:44:42

I'm so scared about going to the doctors in case they take my DS off me & never let me see him again.

I'm so emotionally drained, I don't know what to do.

I'm trying to do everything for my DS, whilst trying to help family out & then lastly help myself. I feel like I'm carrying just about everything.

I just feel like long term my DS deserves mentally stable family. I don't want to pass my issues on

pinkginanyone Tue 13-Mar-18 20:49:46

3 threads in 3 days about giving kids up for adoption because of MH. As someone who was given up for adoption for a valid reason, this is BS and extremely offensive.

Op you’ll be a great mother I am sure of it, I’ve has several depressive episodes over the years and it’s my kids that keep me going. Her help and quickly, you’ll see clearly soon enough and wonder how you thought of this.

darkriver198868 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:52:17

I have just lost my children due to mental health and I agreed to the adoption. (I had no support family or otherwise)

Do you have support OP? Do you have a family who can help you? I think you need to go to your GP asap and get some support.

darkriver198868 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:56:08

I think you will find in some cases giving a child up because of adoption IS a valid reason. Some people such as myself have no support. I seriously had one person I could count on. I made the decision that my children were better off with a loving stable family. Sometimes it IS the best option.

However, I am hoping the opposite is the case for the OP here.

darkriver198868 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:56:29

because of mental health not adoption.

Maybe83 Tue 13-Mar-18 21:01:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StepAwayFromGoogle Tue 13-Mar-18 21:01:35

OP, if you go to your doctors and ask them for help with a mental health issue they are NOT going to take your son off you. They are going to try to help.

Prioritise your son but stop supporting other family - you need help now and they will have to step up.

Please ask for help, you won't regret it flowers

pinkginanyone Tue 13-Mar-18 21:04:18

Dark have your Kids been placed with a family immediately? I can tell you that it doesn’t happen very often. They usually spend years in and out of foster homes/care homes. Adoption is and should be a last resort! You felt that it is the right one for youand clearly have no regrets then fair enough.

Also I haven’t said MH isn’t a valid reason of course it is, it just seems that on mumsnet (not this particular thread) that it’s batted about without so much as a second though recently for the children and what will happen them. It’s a horrible circle to end up in!

Sorry to derail OP I hope you can understand where I am coming from, as an adult of adoption I feel sometimes that it’s on me to explain the effects it can have.

darkriver198868 Tue 13-Mar-18 21:06:41

A family is on the horizon for my children and it was the last resort. They will stay with there current foster family until they move on.

LouMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 13-Mar-18 21:17:32

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear that you're having a tough time.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly and we hope you get some useful advice and support there, OP.


AnonymousAdopter Tue 13-Mar-18 21:18:18

They usually spend years in and out of foster homes/care homes.

I really don't think this is true these days if the children are still relatively young.

I think it is wrong that MH services are so underfunded that people feel they are not able to stay stable enough to be good enough parents. But given the lack of funding for MH conditions, I think any parent who decides that they think their children would be better off being adopted is making a very selfless choice. In no way will it be an easy option for them.

VivaKondo Tue 13-Mar-18 21:21:13

I'm trying to do everything for my DS, whilst trying to help family out & then lastly help myself.
Please stop doing everything for everyone else and put yourself last.
It’s clear from your posts that you really need to look after yourself. And that can only come with putting yourself first (and yes sometimes even before your ds).
You can pour from an empty glass so you really need to do whatever you need for your self so you are in the right place to look after your ds.

As for family... they are adults. I’m pretty sure they can manage wo you.

Can you also go back to your gp and check if your meds need a review? Do you have CPN?

Juiceylucy09 Tue 13-Mar-18 21:22:03

Please seek some outside support.

I do understand it is very hard a constant battle but im positive your DS loves you. your family will understand things slways seem worse when they happen.

Get an early night, it will feel better in the morning. reach out if you need to talk.

bridgetreilly Tue 13-Mar-18 21:26:33

Oh, sweetheart.

I'm trying to do everything for my DS, whilst trying to help family out & then lastly help myself. I feel like I'm carrying just about everything.

I think you could do with a little bit of a rebalance here. You need to look after yourself in order to be able to help anyone else. Fix your own oxygen mask first, and all that. That might mean tweaking your meds, it might mean carving time out for things that help you to feel better - a walk, a bath, a book, whatever, it almost certainly means making sure you're eating well and sleeping well. And so on. Counselling, maybe, if that helps you.

Then yes, you need to look after your DS. Is he warm, clothed, fed, at school, safe? Does he know you love him? Don't put pressure on yourself to feel that he needs more than that - activities or material things or even your time and attention every second of the day.

Then, and only then, and only if you have spare time and energy, anyone else in your family. It's okay if you don't and you have to say no to them.

CableKnitHuman Tue 13-Mar-18 21:26:43

@Wiseoldhoots I haven't had any experience with BPD, but I do have a diagnosis of complex trauma, and I think some elements can overlap.

Are you able to get referred to a tertiary complex needs mental health service for an assessment to access their services?

I've also found it helpful to make a small list of things I can easily do for "me". It's really important, for you and your DS, that you take a little bit of time, several times a day and put yourself first. Things like a nice cup of herbal tea quietly for fifteen minutes whilst your DS naps (whatever you planned to do can wait), a bath in the evening after he's in bed, getting outside for a walk (even if it's with him). How old is your DS?

I also wondered if there's anyways you can lighten your load a little bit - are you able to get a few hours of occasional childcare sorted, and can your family start helping themselves more? Could you afford a cleaner for a couple of hours a week or an outsourced laundry service?

@pinkginanyone Your post was incredibly sensitive. Mental health is one of the reasons that a child can be placed for adoption, however, a mother / family should be given all the support possible before this is done. How horrible that you've even mentioned it was not a valid reason.

HolyGoats Tue 13-Mar-18 21:27:09

pinkgin this is absolutely not the thread you should be posting on. The op is clearly very distressed.

wise I’m so sorry you feel like this. I wish I had constructive advice. I have felt like you do now and it can get better. Your little boy loves you. Is there any way you can take some time for yourself to clear your head?

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