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Ptsd and hospital (TW: sexual assaults)(4 Posts)
I was supposed to take DS to surgical outpatients today. I couldn't, DH had to take time off work. I was raped by a male nurse (not treating me) and sexually assaulted twice by two different doctors when I was ill. I was an adult (only just for the first) and there were a few years between them.
The thought of going into hospital is absolutely horrific. I can manage with a lot of prep, but with 24hrs notice in an unknown hospital I can't.
And the point of all this is to moan really. I have a trauma therapist (physically abusive narc mother plus other adult assaults and rapes). I know that EMDR will help with this. But FUCK! I don't want to do any more therapy to enable me to live semi normally. It is not fun, despite a lovely therapist. I love DS so much and am doing everything I can to get over my past so he and DD don't suffer because if it. Yet the bastard who raped me 20 years ago hasn't spent the past 20 years trying to deal with it. Avoiding hospitals, medics, having panic attacks. I'm the one with mental wounds that need dealing with. I'm the one trying not to look like I'm unhinged in front of my kids, trying to tell them that hospitals are safe places without spitting afterwards, feeling like I'm committing the biggest betrayal because I KNOW they're not safe places. But I want him to believe they are so he gets medical treatment when he needs it.
And my poor boy today, yes he had his dad, but he also wanted his mum. The bastard nurse who takes me those years ago, the bastard doctors, they've taken away part of my ability to be a good mother and they've taken away my son having his mother with him when he's vulnerable. - there's a chance I collapse or have a panic attack if I had gone and i do t want him seeing that.
I am so sorry for your appalling experiences. I just want to assure you that it is possible to get help for PTSD. I know a couple of people who had EMDR and it honestly improved their lives. DD also had PTSD but had exposure therapy rather than EMDR - but she doesn't get her flashbacks anymore and can now cope with going to the places / seeing the things that used to trigger her flashbacks.
I really hope you find some help x
@chocolateworshipper thank you for replying. And your kind words.
I've done EMDR for other things (fun life I've had..) and it's been useful. It's on the cards for this too. It's so hard though and I resent that I have to go through it when they don't suffer at all. So unfair..but whining about it doesn't change anything!
Thanks again for replying.
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