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Just want to end it all

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BabyJaneLives123 Tue 16-Jan-18 11:33:32

I have been on this site now for some time and feel that it is ok for me to share thoughts and feelings. For a long time now I have been feeling really low and had been working in what I can only describe as a horrible place with a toxic workmate, who at times had me feeling like I was going out of my mind. I hated working with the person who constantly undermined me at every given moment and made herself look like a great employee.

I thought I had got out of this horrible situation when I managed to get myself a new job. The whole package was going to be so different but the pressures of learning their system very quickly was very overwhelming and my confidence, being at such a low level as it was, took an even bigger hammering.. The travelling was exhausting and all of this made it impossible for me to stay there, so I left. I now feel like a total failure and a big disappointment to my son. (He is 19)This happened last week and I told family and friends, I have only heard back (by text message) from one friend of mine to ask how I was. I feel I have disappointed them as well.

I dont know what to do. I have never been unemployed. I have to see my GP on Thursday. I spoke to someone yesterday who told me that she may be able to help me look for something through the agency she works for. I am 50 and already think time is running out for me anyway. I just feel like people WOULD be better off without me dragging them down. I feel positive for all of 2 minutes when I am trying to do something for myself and then the feeling disappears.I love my son so much and dont want to leave him in this shitty world on is own but i really cannot cope anymore.....

Velvetbee Tue 16-Jan-18 11:38:10

Darling woman I've just posted on the 30th birthday thread about how 50 is the time for new adventures. You are in no way a disappointment. A situation was intolerable for you so you removed yourself from it, that's an awesome statement of self preservation and belief. Be kind to yourself.

cherriXOXO Tue 16-Jan-18 11:41:19

Call surgery and ask them to move app forward - tell them it's urgent.

You are NOT a failure, your son loves you just the way you are and I can tell from your post that you seem like a nice person.

Do you feel able to call or text the Samaritans? flowers

Gingermuffin Tue 16-Jan-18 11:44:07

You are not a failure. You are 50 and have never been unemployed before. That is something to be proud of. You also recognised the awful situation you were in and managed to break free. That takes a lot of bravery and was definitely the right thing to do.

So many people are trapped in awful situations like yours and can’t manage to get themselves out of it. Now you have managed to get out the world is your oyster. Even at 50 you can take a different direction, try temping till you find a job that suits you and definitely try to speak to someone about the way you are feeling.

Is there anything you’ve always wanted to do but felt you couldn’t due to already being in work and having childcare responsibilities?

WS12 Tue 16-Jan-18 11:54:08

You are not a failure, you are a human being, you were created by God for such a special purpose beyond our own wisdom, non of us are here by accident, you are so important, so important, God - who created the stars and all of the universe and everything we see - created YOU and he has a plan for you. You are a mum and your son needs you, this world needs you!! 💐💐💐 Please speak to a local church, I know they will take you in with open arms and help you to see how important and loved you are ❤️❤️❤️ Please don't ever give up xxxxxxx

DasPepe Tue 16-Jan-18 11:56:44

You will need I be brave and get out of your comfort zone a bit to find something else. But try and stay positive and give yourself the same advice as I'm sure you would to your son, if he was looking for work.

Don't dwell on your negatives- no one in an interview will b able to see those. Keep repeating to yourself all the good things : skills and knowledge you have, which will be lots with your experience. Even if you don't believe it at first, just hold on to all that because getting job requires positivity.

Good luck! And remember tomorrow is always another day, anything can happen!

BabyJaneLives123 Tue 16-Jan-18 11:57:49

I have spoken to someone at the Samaritans but they just listen and I came off the phone not feeling any better.

I have got an appointment tomorrow morning at 10am with an agency. I know I will make myself do this but even just getting out of bed is like climbing a huge hill. I cant stay in bed though because my brain wont shut off and I am not getting any sleep anyway so its best to just get up. I am fortunate that I have got some funds available which will allow me to have a few weeks without working but I am terrified the money will run out and I will not know how then to pay bills and stuff. I just feel at this age I should be sorted in my life, not starting all over again. I know I shouldnt compare myself to others either but I cant help it and I am looking at others and thinking my life is a mess in comparison and I should be embarrassed by what I have turned my life into...


latara23 Tue 16-Jan-18 12:15:18

If it helps I sometimes feel like you & im 41, my mum feels down and she's 68!

The truth is that there's no age you have to have your life sorted by.

You've got a grown up son who is I assume a nice lad? That's an achievement in itself.

It's worth trying agency work as it can be interesting & lead to a better job.
I used to temp & it was good.

Write down a list of your positive points that may help.

Also be honest with your gp but remember it's normal to feel down if you're not working.
Give yourself a break and some rest then get back on it.

LornaMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 16-Jan-18 12:19:33

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Gingermuffin Tue 16-Jan-18 12:25:46

The trouble with comparing yourself to other people, particularly when you are not in the best place mentally is that you often only see the bits that you perceive to be better than yourself.

I know a fair few people who appear sorted who would love the opportunity to start fresh but either aren’t able, or don’t feel able to rock the boat and take that chance.

You have an opportunity to start fresh. Your consistent employment history will be a big positive on your cv. What you do need to do though is be kind to yourself and get help working on your confidence and resolving issues. If you are struggling with getting out of bed etc then I think it would be helpful to speak to your GP. It is nothing to be ashamed of, just another step to getting to a place where you can be happy.

In my experience of agencies speaking with an agency is a lot more relaxed than a job interview and they can really help you concentrate on the positives and figure out your strongest points because it is in their interests to not only make you attractive to employers but find placements that are the right fit as it affects their reputation.

Good luck and virtual hugs. You can do this.

JaneJeffer Tue 16-Jan-18 12:49:22

You are more than your job and don't feel bad for putting yourself before it! Your son would rather have you around than a lifetime of hurt if you leave him alone. Use this time between jobs to take care of yourself and don't worry about how others see you. Things will work out. Getting to 50 without ever having been unemployed is a great achievement.

BabyJaneLives123 Tue 16-Jan-18 12:51:20

When I left my old employer, he would not give me the opportunity to speak to him when my so called work mate went behind my back and said some horrible stuff about me that was not true. And when my new job didnt work out, I got very drunk (I dont usually drink and that is me being honest) and sent my old boss text messages saying I felt he had disappointed me and, well you can imagine the rest. I feel that I have now made myself look like the bad person she made me out to be. He didnt come back to me and the fact that he just ignored me has made my shame and embarrassment worse.

JaneJeffer Tue 16-Jan-18 12:55:31

We've all done things we regret and telling him he disappointed you wasn't a lie grin maybe you should send him a text to explain so that you can draw a line under it and it won't be replaying in your mind.

SoulStew Tue 16-Jan-18 12:57:40

Being able to fail, is part of life. The young are burdened by this idea that failure is the worst thing possible, and sadly, suicide has risen among this group, especially students.
Your being able to show your son that if life throws you a ‘curve ball’ and maybe you get whacked in the face with it, and fall on your backside, probably into a dog shit.....that you can get up again, wipe the poo from your jeans and try something else.....this will remove that fear for him. Failing is part of life, it’s a life skill that seems to have been deleted from social networks and conversation.

Gingermuffin Tue 16-Jan-18 13:46:42

I did a similar thing OP. I was miserable for 7 years in a job. I was relentlessly bullied by someone who was well respected in the company and she made me look incompetent and useless to the point where I started believing it myself.

She was my supervisor and she would make me do the job a certain way. If I didn’t follow her instructions exactly I was reprimanded but if I did then she would deny giving the instructions and it was my fault for doing it that way. Her own workload was a mess and absolutely full of concealed holes, this became clear when some of her workload was shared between the team but it was covered up.

Before I left I told my manager and the head of HR everything. I had other members of the team who had seen firsthand what had gone on to back me up and I got no response. Nothing changed and nothing was done. I don’t know whether they didn’t believe me or whether they just didn’t want to accept that they were at fault for letting her behaviour slide and providing no support to staff members who were being bullied by her.

What I do know is that now I am away from that place. It was about 5 years ago that I got out and it took a long time but I have rebuilt my confidence even though I still have the odd wobble. Their opinions don’t matter to me anymore but it took a while for that to happen and my life is infinitely better for being out of that place. It was really hard at first and I am not where I imagined I’d be now but I am generally genuinely happy. Such a far cry from how I felt then.

JaneJeffer Wed 17-Jan-18 21:49:21

Hope you're feeling a bit better today BabyJane and that your GP can help you tomorrow.

BabyJaneLives123 Wed 17-Jan-18 22:37:25

Thank you for thinking about me and your kind words. I MADE myself get up this morning and went to register with an Employment Agency, who are looking out for jobs for me.

I went and got some shopping and then came home. It would have been water off a ducks back to some people but felt like a massive effort for me. I will see the doctor tomorrow and if he offers me something (even if it is something to get me over a hurdle) then I will accept it.

I had no idea just how much not having my job and my routine was going to affect me. I keep telling myself that "this too shall pass" and hopefully I will not always feel like this.

Thank you...XXX

Gingermuffin Wed 17-Jan-18 23:25:49

Glad you are feeling more positive. Wishing you loads of luck in the job front and more positive thoughts just for you x

Izzy24 Wed 17-Jan-18 23:35:53

You’re absolutely right OP - this too WILL pass. And you won’t always feel like this.

You’ve achieved a huge amount today. I think you’re right about the usefulness of routine and I think it’s a good idea to make your own routines now.

Up and out every day during the week. You can do this.

JaneJeffer Wed 17-Jan-18 23:37:15

Good stuff!

BabyJaneLives123 Fri 19-Jan-18 14:19:09

Just wanted to add a wee bit today (I dont know if anyone will read or respond but makes me feel a bit better typing it anyway). I was supposed to see my GP yesterday at 3pm and at 11am I got a call to say that my GP had come into work and then had to go home again as he was feeling unwell. He asked the receptionist to ring around all his patients and said unless it was extremely urgent, could we just re-arrange our appointments. I must say I felt really let down. He knew how urgent my appointment was. Could he not have referred me to one of his colleagues. This is the kind of thing that makes you feel like you just dont matter. I have as yet not made another appointment as nobody seems to know when he will be back and no other doctor in the practice really knows me..

I have been told there is a vacancy in a baby shop in our town centre and have applied for this through the Job Centre. I had to attach my CV. I know the owner is in Florence on a business trip at them moment and will not be back until Tuesday. I was thinking of just going into the shop on Thursday (?) next week and just telling her that I had applied for one of her vacancies and asking if she could maybe take the time to let me know whilst I "was just passing" what the position would involve. Let her see me and not just my details on a piece of paper? and also let her see that I would be keen to work there??...Or would that just come across as being too pushy. ??...XX

Gingermuffin Fri 19-Jan-18 22:19:22

Hi OP sorry I’ve only just seen your update. It sounds like you are being really proactive job hunting and going into the shop could go either way depending on tone etc. If you go in and you are intense and obvious about needing the work it could seem pushy but if you go in and can genuinely appear to be just passing and drop into conversation that you have applied and would really like to work there because it’s a lovely shop or a good company or something positive but light then I think that might make a good impression and show enthusiasm.

With regard to your GP that is really rubbish for you but try not to take it personally. If the GP was unwell enough to go home it is unlikely that they were well enough to be double checking who was on the appointment list and left it down to the patients to say whether they felt it was urgent or not. Appointments are usually 10 minute slots and if you think about how many 10 minute slots are between 11am and surgery closing time that would be a heck of a lot of patients to sift through and rearrange urgent cases himself if he was feeling unwell enough to need to leave work.

Massive good luck to you and if you do feel that you need to see the GP sooner rather than later please try and get an appointment with one of the other doctors at the surgery.

Hope you get some good luck with it all soon and I will be rooting for you all the way.

Izzy24 Sat 20-Jan-18 18:48:55

Hi OP,
Echoing everything Gingermuffin said.

It’s great that you are being so proactive despite feeling so very low.

I hope today has been ok and I’m in your corner too.

Avalon777 Sat 20-Jan-18 19:20:26

My problem is with my 16 yr old son. His depression has now gotten much worse, in that he literally stays up all night and sleeps all day. I don't want to get into an argument n I always talk to him, try to get him into groups or hobbies, tell him I love him but no matter what I do or say it's to no avail. He hs seen counsellors in the past and doesn't think they're any use. He is in line for online counselling but I don't think that will help. I'm really worried because his father hs given up on him and he now lives with me. Any mums out there going through the same thing ? Be good to know i'm not alone with this or if anyone has any tips then great. Hs parents separation and moving of schools several times caused a large percentage of it he has told me. I just need some support please because i'm looking for a job and I don't want to leave him alone. I don't know what to do

BabyJaneLives123 Tue 23-Jan-18 17:14:35

I feel really sorry for you Avalon777. I can relate to the part where your son is very down at the moment. My son never met his father, he left us when I was 6 months pregnant. I have not seen him since. My son is nearly 19 now and although he has never met his father it has never seemed to bother him. He has always had one very close and loving parent in me. Keep telling him that you love him and are always there for him if he needs to talk. He may not want to just now but maybe later he will feel like it. (I always told my son I was there for a chat if he needed it but it was when I wasnt "badgering" him to talk that he actually wanted me to listen to him. Try and get him to see the GP again. Online stuff is all very well and good but sometimes as human beings we need to see another human being face to face. His father probably just doesnt know what else to do and is leaving it to you. If he has had a lot of disruption in his life then maybe he just needs reassurance that he now has stability. Stability love and support may only be what he is looking for.

Im finding it really hard just now trying to get employment and coming to terms with being unemployed for the first time in my life. I dont know how I would cope if I had the worry of my son as well, so you should be congratulated on at least being able to hold it together....This time last week I just didnt want to be here any more but I have managed to see (with the help, support and kind words from the other mums on here) that even though it may only be a tiny chink of light, (and there is one), it is still there. Hold on to it and believe that it will not always be like this and that things will get better for you and your son. Take each day as it comes and be grateful that your son is still with you.

Hope you are OK..XXX

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