bad to smoke and drink to get through life

[lazyminimoo]

I miss drinking and smoking,, i used to do them all the time really all the time,, till i had my son but been missing it all the time ,, i have stilll drank on afew occasions with others an its been ok,, i switched to vaping years ago but now i have stopped that because i got very ill afew months ago , had emergency life saving surgery, lost my colon as it perforated out of the blue,, now i find out it was caused by crohns disease and i found out smoking is bad for it,,,i just want to not care ,, i do worry at times that ill get ill again but i havent changed my diet hardly an keep wantin to smoke an drink as i am so bored,,, i have no real friends no hobbies,, my son is the only thing but i cant be completely happy just with a son ,,, i feel life should have more to it then that,, to live for his hapiness to me is not how it should be,,, so i dunno what to do,, this is all messed up as i have social anxiety tooo an i have had this and depresson throughout my whole life realyl since about 10,, i just cant be ok like this everyday i think about if ill kill myself an wonder how should i do it most days,, but some days am ok,, just i cant seem to be content with life so feel i need drink an vaping to be less bored ,, how pathetic init really i know what people think this of me, i am pathetic an thats why i am shy of ppl as i know im pathetic so dont want to try making friends or talking to anyone so my life is destined to continue this way , i