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Struggling

(4 Posts)
Crazycakelady17 Sat 13-Jan-18 09:32:27

Hi I'm a first time poster long time lurker

Just a quick background I was subjected to severe trauma as a child/teenager over a long period of time,
I managed to "escape" the family home when I was 18 got married and moved abroad.
For over twenty years I was able to function work have a happy family life there was a few intermissions when I would have a mini breakdown but usually a few meds and pulling myself to get on it did pass.

Fast forward to 2016 my husband was made redudnaut from his job the accommodation was supplied from his employer so had to leave,
We decided to settle back in our home town and we found a house in a village close to both sets of parents and siblings.

For the first few months it was amazing being home settles in our forever home not moving every few years.
Then out of the blue I bumped into the perpetrator of my childhood abuse this set of a trigger of events my mental health declined rapidly,
I would have flashbacks, panic attacks.nightmarss I drank to numb and forget it all came to a head and I ended up taking a overdoes a serious one at that.

After being discharged sept 16 I was offered no support went to my gps he basically said you need to get a grip keep
Busy and focus on your family,

I struggled on for a few
More months until I decided I could
Never live my life till I had done everything i could to ensure he couldn't hurt anyone else.

So set the plans in motions went to the police who were amazing video evidence was difficult and going into a lot of details
Was extremely hard,
The perpetrator was arrested then we had to wait about 8 months for a decision
He was charged with 5 indecent assaults on a child and 3 counts of rape,
We then had to wait many more months for the court date in the meantime my mental health was declining rapidly and I took two more overdoses just two months before the trial I ended up being sectioned for my own safety.. I was released after 10 days but now I have home based treatment a psychologist a nurse a support worker who all come out to the home.

Well the trial came and went I had to give evidence as he plead not guilty 😡
It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do

The trials been over for 3 months now andh mental health is at a all time low I took a serious overdose on insulin just before Xmas ended up being resuscitated and my family were told how close I was,
That point really was the lowest but I'm still struggling now my official diagnosis is complex PTSD and Im borderline EUPD (I don't like this label)
I take 100mg sertaline not seen any improvement with my mood, 200mg of promazine for anxiety and just recently after a week of extreme crisis sleepers zopiderm,

I don't really know what I want from writing this I just need to know I can become me again I just can't carry on with these suicidal thoughts and horrific nightmare which replays the trauma 😭

Any words of wisdom if you got this far??

Crazycakelady17 Sat 13-Jan-18 16:22:32

Anyone?

Wingingit321 Sat 13-Jan-18 16:31:46

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. I just want to say how much I admire your bravery and strength to go to court. This takes real guts. How are you finding he psychologist? Have you been learning any grounding skills to help with flashbacks and anxiety? Is changing meds an option? How long have you been on sertaline? I can really hear how difficult things are at the moment and from one survivor to another I want to say please hold on, please keep fighting, I know it’s hard but thinds do get easier. Have you used the RAINN online hotline when you are feeling low? Or the Samaritans? Be gentle with yourself, you are showing an incredible amount of strength and bravery and you will get through this ❤️

JamPasty Sun 14-Jan-18 10:58:40

Bloody hell my love, you have been through a ton of awfulness - no wonder your mental health is suffering. You have been incredibly brave too!

It sounds like recent events have basically uncovered all the awfulness from your past and you're having trouble processing it. I'm sure you can become you again though - you managed it for over 20 years, so although it may feel impossible now, you've done it before and can do again. Hugs and flowers

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