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Relationship ocd

(8 Posts)
Happinessfinder Wed 06-Dec-17 19:05:26

Hi I think I have what is called relationship ocd. The constant fear that my partner will cheat on me or secretly desires someone else more. This feeling makes me go through the motions of checking his laptop his phone his history etc. It’s just getting out of hand. It’s a complete violation of his privacy. I don’t know how to fix it. I went through talking therapy but they just wanted me to fill out online excercises and it didn’t help so I stopped.

My past history (non of which I can talk about in any detail or have ever spoken about to anyone)

Sexual abuse as a child
Sister who I loved and still love cheating with my new boyfriend (I’ve forgiven her and long since dumped him but it still affected me)
Angry father who made me feel guilty for everything
Domestic abuse in a previous relationship

I sound a right mess don’t I. I’m just at a loss as to what to do. My husband is kind and has never cheated on me but is getting sick of being under suspicion. I keep these thought to myself as feel crazy. I watch his eyes when we are out to see if he is finding someone more attractive. It’s all nuts and I wish I didn’t feel like this. It’s like the thought are planted like a whisper at first but that soon becomes shouting nd the only thing that calms it is to check. I know it’s a vicious cycle though.

JoJoSM2 Thu 07-Dec-17 07:12:40

It does sound very unhealthy whatever you label it. I think I just get back to the therapy you were doing but keep an open mind and give it your best. You could also try therapy for couples - it takes two to tango and your husband is part of this unhealthy relationship.

Kat798 Tue 12-Dec-17 18:09:57

Hi, just read your post and had to reply- I totally 100% get how you are feeling. I’ve wondered for a long time about relationship ocd as I act the same- constantly worrying, hyper alert all the time etc even though there’s no reason.... I tell my partner it’s like a swarm of bees in my head, constant nuts thoughts I can’t control. I find stress makes things soooo much worse too.
I had some cbt therapy last year which really helped. I keep a list in my phone too of what’s ‘real’ (eg since stuff my partners done for me, things he’s said, fun times we’ve had) so that when I feel anxious I can take ten minutes, sit down and read it and try and get some perspective. I’ve also been put on antidepressants recently (for something else) and a side effect of them seems to be I find my worrying much easier to control.
Just had to reply as I’ve felt like this for years and it’s awful. Some days I feel like the worst person for accusing my partner of mad stuff but at the time the worries feel so real. Just wanted you to know you aren’t the only one smile

Happinessfinder Mon 18-Dec-17 22:31:39

Thanks for your replies it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I can’t talk to anyone In real life about this as they act shocked and think I’m nuts and say stop it. I would if it were that easy.....
Kat do you know why you are like this? Did the cbt consist of worksheets or did you actually speak to someone? I would really like to speak to someone but don’t know how to start? I feel like my real personality has never had chance to emerge because I’m so wrapped up in this anxiety. I wish I could get rid of it. My partner doesn’t know to the extent this is in my head. The swarm of bees analogy is so right it kind of starts with one and then 3 and before I know it I have to go off to a quiet room to think about it over and over again.

Kat798 Mon 18-Dec-17 23:02:38

I’ve felt like this my whole life with every long term boyfriend I’ve ever had and I still haven’t worked out why. That’s frustrating too because people assume I’ve been cheated on in the past or there must be some reason like that.... there really isnt. That the antidepressants have had such a positive effect has lead me to think it might be something like a serotonin deficiency which I know can cause hyper vigilance. But that’s the long answer, the short answer is I don’t know! Wish I did then I could solve it.
The cbt- I wrote out what I wanted from seeing someone and spoke to a few people before I met someone who was right for me. I did a mixture of talking and writing stuff down and I also used some stuff off here
I’d say try the same- I imagined what I’d like to be like (so not necessarily not worrying at all but I wanted to be able to control my thoughts not have the mad bees confused) and wrote that down then emailed a few counsellors I just googled, most are happy to chat with you about what they can offer. I’d say just stick with talking to someone until you find the right person and the right techniques.
Do you talk to your husband about it? My partner gets really frustrated with the suspicion but always says he’s happy to talk to me if I bring it up calmly not accusing him of mad stuff. I’m so lucky to have him honestly because I can imagine it’s draining when I’m on one and he’s understanding.

Happinessfinder Thu 21-Dec-17 21:55:59

I do talk to my partner about it but like yours he understandably gets frustrated and sometimes upset so I try my best to hide it. I wish I could get rid of these feelings it’s like they are always buzzing at the back of my brain waiting for an opportunity to burst out. You are right about the serotonin it has helped in the past. I didn’t know that a deficiency in this can cause hyper vigilance? This makes allot of sense. I didn’t take it for anxiety but for post natal depression but it did take away anxiety too. It made me so tired though so I felt I couldn’t keep up with the kids so I stopped. I have this thing almost like I need to hear just the right consolation from him in the right tone or it doesn’t feel right and then it doesn’t calm the anxiety. I like the idea of a list I will try that thanks. I have had ocd (undiagnosed) about different things in the past but it seems to have settled on this one subject now.

I read a bit up on this subject and the advice was if you start getting these thoughts that are a bit uncontrollable then you know it’s ocd. They say if it’s ocd then it’s not true. In which case there is no good coming from thinking about it.

You mentioned you keep a list of “what’s real” do you think sometimes we imagine things if we are like this? Case point we went out for a romantic meal really special place both dressed up. He knew I was having a particularly bad time with these thoughts at this moment. On the train home as we were getting off at our stop he was behind me. I noticed a pretty girl in front of me give him a big beautiful very flirtatious smile. Now in my mind this smile would only have happened if he had acknowledged her first by making eye contact smiling flirting etc. It made me feel terrible like I wasn’t good enough to keep his attention even on one special night out. I asked him seriously did you just flirt with that girl while my back was turned? He of course denied it.
So my thoughts are am I being hyper vigilant or is he making me feel insecure by his actions?

Happinessfinder Thu 21-Dec-17 22:06:35

Oh my goodness I have just read up on hyper vigilance I didn’t know about this. It is exactly how I feel. Thank you for bringing it to my attention x

Kat798 Thu 01-Feb-18 21:14:56

For some reason I never saw this! How’s things going now? I know it’s like a month ago but I’ve been taking anti depressants now for about 3 months and I’m convinced these have really helped. They made me SO TIRED too but I started taking them last thing at night and felt alright in the day. Sounds like I’m pushing them, I’m not. Just this is the first time in my whole life I’ve had a bit of control about how I feel. I’m more convinced than ever there’s just a dodgy serotonin imbalance!
The thing about having to hear just the right words grin totally get that. He used to say that whatever he’d say wasn’t enough and it was true. Ah bless him as well would try to reassure me but say he liked glanced away quickly I’d become convinced he was lying and it made it worse. It’s horrible.
Do I think we imagine stuff? 100% you find what you look for I think. If you’re feeling insecure and worried stuff will fit into that story you’ve created, stuff that isn’t real at all. My partner used to get frustrated that I’d make up stories then believe them like he’d be late home and by the time he got in he ONLY explanation (and I mean only) in my own mind was that he had been cheating. Anything he told me, any thoughts weren’t enough in my mind it was obvious. It’s really tiring and upsetting to believe so whole heartedly such distressing things confused.
Hope you’re ok!

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