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Please could I have a handhold? *trigger warning*

(8 Posts)
StupidSlimyGit Mon 04-Dec-17 00:19:34

I don't know if anyone's round or will read this/reply but maybe writing it at all will help.
I used to self harm, haven't in a few years but I'm struggling tonight. I don't want to go there, I don't want to be that person again, but it's still so tempting.
I'm lonely, so lonely it hurts. I haven't been able to sleep for more than 3 hours a night for a week or two partly DD and partly my MH, by the time I manage to fall asleep she wakes up. She's been ill and it terrifies me although it isn't life threatening because her big sister died. I'm struggling to remember to take my meds, struggling to get out of bed and do anything but the bare minimum. I only shower on days I have work, I feel like I'm fat and lazy and so fucking useless and she deserves so much better.
I know this will pass, I know I need to pull my big girl panties up, but tonight I'm scared of spending the night alone again. I'm scared of being with myself.

SeaToSki Mon 04-Dec-17 00:28:35

I’m here, you arent alone. Tell me about your DD, what does she like to do?

StupidSlimyGit Mon 04-Dec-17 00:33:41

Thank you. She likes to chew DVD cases (local joke it I have a mouse not a dd because everything in reach is nibbled and bang on things. She's only one. I think her favourite thing at the moment is singing from her pram, you can tell it's singing not speech (although obviously without tune or proper words at her age). She's so perfect in my eyes though, just showing signs of starting to walk alone, nothing big or advanced just perfect for her. It's wonderful and heartbreaking watching her grow. She's amazing and I love seeing her develop, terrifying because every day I unbelievably find more ways to love her and I'm so scared of her leaving like her sister.

SeaToSki Mon 04-Dec-17 00:49:16

She sounds like a sweetheart. At that age they are just exploding with exploration and discovery. Every moment is exciting to them. Has she had a cold? What has her keeping you up at night?

JorlyWood Mon 04-Dec-17 00:56:32

I am here too. I don't have many wise words to say but couldn't leave without replying. I have had severe depression and know how you feel. The only thing that helped me was a lot of input from a lot of different supports. Things will get better for you! Have you got much support around you?

bunzie Mon 04-Dec-17 01:00:03

Hi op... I’m no expert... but am all ears and am breath at a time... one night at a time... one task at a time... it will pass... your dd sounds lovely 😊

JorlyWood Mon 04-Dec-17 01:00:16

I also used to self harm and although it can provide some temporary relief it only makes this worse in the long run. Please, please try to resist the temptation. And if you do manage to resist it then please see that as a big achievement. Focus on the little things, the little positives. I know it is so easy to say and so hard to do. I'm thinking of you and really hope that you feel better soon.

StupidSlimyGit Mon 04-Dec-17 01:26:10

She's got a respiratory virus+gastroenteritis, it's been going on about 6 months now. She keeps coughing and making choking noises then screaming and I have to settle her back off. She's seen the doctors several times I'm paranoid and they're sick of seeing her just to make sure it isn't turning into anything more serious. No support, her dad and I split not long after she was born, found out he was cheating on me, and because she's one the Perinatal mh team signed me over to the adult one who did an assessment and then sent me out a letter stating they felt I needed "no further input". This was three weeks after being offered inpatient care...
I absolutely am doing everything I can to resist, I know that once I start I find it incredibly hard to stop. I don't want to go there again, I think that's why I'm posting here. 2 years clean atm I'm not breaking that.
Thankyou again everyone

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