I don't want to be depressed anymore

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. I've been really low for the last couple of months and Im so fed up of it. I'm just doe with the daily grind. Kids, school run, nursery, work, housework, Christmas, extended family. I just want to hibernate for a while until everything feels manageable again.

[BiglyBadgers]

I think I know how you feel. I just want to curl up and go to sleep until my head starts working properly again. However, I know that isn't really going to help. I've now made the decision I need to actually go and get some help. Have you seen anyone about how you are feeling?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Where do you get your joy? What are you excitedly anticipating? When's the next time you expect to nearly pee yourself laughing?

It might seem like a stupid list but when I'm in the doldrums I add those items to my ludicrously long to do list.

[Scoobyloo11]

Well done. You've told us, and sharing how you feel is really important.

Can you get more support to make life less of a grind? If not, there might be counselling or medication (which can be the right thing) which will help you feel like you can tackle stuff.

Best of luck.

[MummySparkle]

Thanks Scooby.

I feel a bit lost for support. I've been under mental health teams for 15years and hospitalised multiple times. Things have been going well recently and I havent had any input since my CPN left a year and a half ago. Not even sure I've been allocated a new person, but I've been doing well and keeping up with my meds so haven't needed support until now.

Now my world feels like it's imploding (again). The creeping negative thoughts are getting stronger and harder to ignore. The twasted side of my brain is constantly fantasizing about self harm. I'll be 2 years SH free in march, it's not a route I want to go back down again but the thoughts are increasingly more dominant.

I don't even know who I would ask to speak to at the MH team. I think I'm still on their books but I may have been discharged by now, I don't know.

I'm on venlafaxine, it's definitely made a big difference to me, but I'm wondering if I might need something g else to lift my mood up a little. I don't even know whow to ask. GP or MH team? I don't have the time to go and visit the GP.

I'm anticipating going for a night out with the girls next weekend and having a laugh. Before then choir will be fun on Saturday. And I look forward to chatting to mum friends on the school run. But even though they are nice things I just don't feel happy after doing them. My heart is a bit empty inside at the moment.

[MummySparkle]

Thanks badgers & run rabbit too. Sorry I didn't see your posts until writing half of my reply.

[BiglyBadgers]

Could you just give the mental health team a call and see if there is someone you can speak to there. They will direct you to the GP if that's needed, but it seems a good place to start.

[MummySparkle]

I will try to give them a call tomorrow. I'm not good with phone calls. What do I say? I don't even know who to ask for. Maybe I should ask to talk to duty? The MH team always have someone about to answer urgent calls. Does this cut as urgent? I don't know. I don't know what else I'd say to the receptionist.

My boss is leaving at Christmas. I'm really struggling to cones to terms with that. I work in a small department (3 of us) and she and I get on so well. We think the same and have supported each other through a lot of stuff. I don't know how I'm going to manage at work without her.

[BiglyBadgers]

Oh sparkle that is a hard thing to deal with. It is really tough when you have someone in your corner at work and you feel you are losing them. It can seem like a support and a friend going both at the same time.

To be honest I don't know how these things work either, so maybe someone with some more knowledge of the system can help. With nothing else to go on I would say just have a chat with duty. Tell them how you are feeling and that you aren't sure where to go for help right now as your cpn left.

I hate phone calls too, so completely sympathise with how much harder that is to do than for me to type.

[MummySparkle]

Thanks Badgers, it helps to know someone's listening.
I am so excited and pleased for my colleague. Her new job is perfect for her and will be so much better than where we are now. She's had a really tough year for a million reasons so this fresh start is just what she needs. As her friend I am over the moon. As her colleague I am gutted.
I remember coming home from the interview and telling DP how great she was and that I wanted to be her friend. Here I am almost exactly three years on desperately hoping that we would stay frI ends and trying to pretend it's not happening.

I have aspergers and change is not my friend. I've met the new guy once for about 5mins so I really have no idea what to expect from him. He seems okay, but I'm going to be the only female in the department now. I have other friends around work, our room is the lunch hub as we have a kettle and a microwave and a tap so I won't be too lonely. I just want things to stay the way they are whilst I finish my degree and qualify as a teacher. It's just a lot of stress.

I will try and get a moment to call duty tomorrow. It's tricky to find the time, I'm pretty much non-stop from waking up through to when I pick DS up from school. I'll have to try and squeeze in time at work, but I've got a busy day lined up.
There's just so much to do!

[MummySparkle]

I called the mental health team. Apparently they discharged me without notifying me. I have to go through the GP.

I called the gp, the automated message said that they don't have any appointments left for tomorrow, the only bookable ones are 3-4 weeks away. I can try to call again tomorrow at 2pm to get one for Monday.

Feel like just not bothering to be honest. Even if I do see GP they won't be able to do anything or prescribe anything because my meds are specialist MH ones that the GP won't touch.

Just got in from the school run and I'm done. Don't know how I'll get through this evening without ending up yellin at the kids

[BiglyBadgers]

You sound exhausted sparkle. There's so much going on for you right now.

Don't give up on the GP. Phone tomorrow and ask for an emergency appointment and if they can't do that ask for a call back so you can at least talk to a GP. It sounds like you know what you need right now and it's just dredging up the energy to get through the process to get it.

I've just started uni this year after 10 years of working at the same place. I am really struggling with the change and the new people, so I see how what your dealing with can seem really hard. I hated the job by the time I left, but I was good at it and some of the people were awesome. I miss the routine and struggle with the fact my uni timetable is different every week so I never feel like I am settled. I'm going to go and see suddenly services next Wednesday and see what I can get through them. I find it really hard asking for help though.

[MummySparkle]

Maybe a GP call back would be a good idea. The only issue is they tend to call around 1pm which is when I'm at work.

I am exhausted you're right. Played hide and seek in the dark around the house with the kids, that cheered me up a little. Slumped back on the sofa now though.

I'm doing uni after years off too, but I'm trying to do distance learning alongside working. It's tricky to fit it all in. I need to email my tutor to extend the deadline for my first assignment as I'm not going to get things done in time. I don't have the motivation or energy to work in the evenings at the moment.

About to do kids bedtime, my least favourite part of the day. I'm hoping DH might do it tonight. I could sleep right now. Desperate for alcohol but I know I shouldn't.

[MummySparkle]

I had a meeting with my uni mentor today. We talked a bit about how my mood has been lately. I called the number to self-refer to MH services in a urgent situation. The lady that answered was incredibly rude. When I told her that my low mood was cause by a big department change at work her replying was ‘well that’s hardly a major issue is it?’ I was gobsmacked and she made me cry.

On the upside she did put me through to the GP surgery who did still have a handful of appointments available for Monday morning. Mines at 9:30. I also spoke to my boss today and let her know that I’ve not been well recently. She was lovely and gave me a big cuddle. She’s going to do her best to get me a job at her new workplace which is exciting.

I feel slightly brighter today now I’ve talked everything through with my mentor. Just the weekend to get through.

[BiglyBadgers]

Well done Sparkle! The woman on the MH line sounds awful and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near anyone with MH issues.

I'm glad you have spoken to uni and have the to appointment. Making the first step can be really hard.

Your boss sounds lovely too

[MummySparkle]

My boss is literally the best person ever. I’m so gutted that she’s leaving, but so pleased for her. She wanted to know why I hadn’t told her sooner that I’ve been struggling. I did t and her to feel guilty.

Feel shitty tonight. Drinking helped last night. Tonight I just have this burning need to self harm. Drinking tonight has Meade me feel worse. DH won’t let me do it though. My stupid head makes me plan for waiting for him to sleep and then to do something. These thoughts make me hate myself even more. FFS it’s been 18months since I last did anything like this.

Wisdom tooth is doing my head in.

I bumped into my old care coordinator today (the one that left for a new job 18months ago) she said how well I looked. If only she knew

[BiglyBadgers]

Heads can say all sorts of stupid things in my experience, though they can be bloody hard to ignore. Try not to hate yourself for something you have no control over sparkle. It'd be like hating yourself because you caught flu. You have managed 18 months and that is pretty awesome.

The thing that I find hardest about having mental health issues is that it is so easy for people not to see how hurt you are to the extent that it makes you doubt yourself even more when they say how well you look.

I am not sure I am making that much sense tonight. I was awake with rushing thoughts all night last night and have crashed this evening big style. I feel like I'm not properly in my head and need to just lie down and switch it off for a bit.

[MummySparkle]

I ended up so drunk the world was spinning, made it into bed to pass out. Just woken up to get a glass of water. My head isn’t spinning quite so fast, it’s just empty and numb again. But the urge has passed for now

[BiglyBadgers]

I'm glad you made it through the night sparkle. One day at time

[MummySparkle]

Kids are back here now after a night at my mums and instantly my mood drops. I love them to pieces and I've missed them loads, but they are draining and I can't deal with the responsibility.

DH and I got loads done today, had a lazy morning then tidied our bedroom and sorted out lots of clothes, feels good to have got that done. Then swapped some bits over in Argos. It's been productive, but tiring. Not a bad day though.

Yet still I'm left feeling like this :(

[MummySparkle]

Thanks for the link Hayley, I'll have a look.

GP in the morning, I don't know what I want from it or what to say.

"Hi, my mental health has been really bad lately." And go from there?

I'm going to ask for another thyroid function test as I haven't had one done for a while and I feel like mines low. (I have an under active thyroid and I'm on medication for that)

I feel like I probably need my meds tweaking. I used to be on other meds as well as the venlafaxine. I'm not sure if increasing the venlafaxine will help, it mostly levels me moreseo than lifts my mood if that makes sense.

Do I want a referral back to the MH team? I don't know. I hate going there, the waiting room makes me anxious and I don't know anyone there. The last contact I had from them was a voicemail someone saying that they were my new care-coordinator, but they didn't even know what my name was. There was a pause and a rustle of paper whilst she looked for it. Had they read my notes they'd know that I find it incredibly hard to make a phone call to a specific person that I am yet to meet. So I waited for a letter, nothing.

Oh I didn't know. I don't want to be ill again, but a big part of me thinks I might as well just give in to the inevitable.

[MummySparkle]

Saw the GP this morning. She restarted me on some meds that I used to be on. Not sure quite how I feel about that yet. Feeling up and down today. She said to see how I go for two weeks and then come back if there's no change. No referral to the MH team either.

I should have stood up for myself a bit more in the appointment.

I'm really worried about starting the lamotrigine. It has some potentially very serious side effects and you are supposed to start on a really low dose and go up slowly week-by-week to avoid this. She's just started me straight back on the therapeutic dose that I was on when I took it before. 8 times the daily starting dose.

[BiglyBadgers]

Hey sparkle. It is so hard when faced with a gp in a hurry to stand up for yourself.

If you are worried about the does and feel you need a referral to the MH team you could try writing this down and then requesting a phone consultation or another appointment so you can go with exactly what you want to say prepared. If you aren't happy with this gp in particular you could ask to see someone else and get a second opinion.

[BiglyBadgers]

Ummmm...not sure that first sentence makes actual sense, but hopefully you get my drift.

[MummySparkle]

I'm more worried that she has prescribed me medication that has potentially life-threatening side effects without something flagging it up to be honest. I know to be aware of them as I was in psych hospital when I first went on to lamotrigine and they checked daily for rashes and gave me lots of leaflets when I was discharged and still titrating up. But others may not know the risks. I'm okay with going straight up to the 100mg a day, I know what to look out for and I'd rather get up to the therapeutic dose straight away, but these meds come with a black box warning, so surely something should have flashed up? That's mostly why I wanted to speak to a MH specialist Dr about it.

Drinking again tonight. It helps numb everything a bit. I do t work on Tuesdays so once I've done the school run I can chill, and I don't have to think about what I'm wearing so much! So long as I'm decent anything goes!! It also means I only have to take DS to school and I don't have to drop DD off to nursery as it's my day with her.

Negative thoughts aren't quite so intrusive tonight, but they're there. Had a nice cuddle with dog dog though, that always helps. So sick of feeling shit though. And so exhausted from battling the bad in my head.

DS's parents 'evening' (mid afternoon) tomorrow. I'm hoping he's doing okay. He's had some friendship issues since starting reception, but I think academically he's doing well. Wish I could say the same for my uni course. I've just had to postpone my first deadline as I haven't got enough done. I've got so much going on, but I'm so sick of not reaching my potential. I hate that I'm still 6 years away from qualifying as a teacher. I just want to get on with my life. I'm 27. I'm so fed up of being a student.