I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF MYSELF

[SlartyFarkBarstard]

This is going to be a rant. I’m sorry but I have to get this OUT.

I am 35 years old and I am a fuck up, a huge fucking fuck up artist.

I have dyspraxia and dyscalculia (diagnosed in my 20s) I think I might have some form of ADHD too but my GP will not entertain it.
I am also in pain physically in one way or another all the time, muscle, joint, skin?! I am also a fucking whale, I weigh 20st and have a disgusting over hanging belly, I’m enormous all over really awfully disgusting to look at.

I have fucked up my life and no doubt I am fucking up my kids lives too, I’m sure I have caused my DPs depression though he says not.

I gave up a uni course twice because I couldn’t cope due to my SPLDs and possible ADHD, I have £40,0000 in student debt and nothing to show for it.
I am in £10,000+ debt for pay day loans and catalogues, I have 4 CCJS and more on the way no doubt because I just ignore all letters that come through my door and have done for years.

I don’t answer my phone because it’s usually debt collectors.
I got us stuck in the renting trap because I gave up a HA property due to years of mould and disrepair (I should have just paid out of my own pocket to fix the place up because it would have been cheaper than the situation were now in) I’m such an idiot all the fucking time, I make bad choice after bad choice and don’t realise my mistakes until long after I’ve made them.

I constantly drop things and knock things over, I can’t remember fucking ANYTHING all the fucking time!!! I can’t even remember my children as babies!!!!! I forget to write things down so miss appointments or I fucking misread times or misjudged time scales and end up late I fucking hate being late!!! I’m a bumbling clumsy fucking liability all the fucking time and I can’t take it anymore, my house is a shithole of clutter and dirt because I can’t be bothered to clean it I’m fucking lazy and thick and don’t even realise there is mess or dirt half the time until it’s got so bad that I panic and think WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!! ok to be fair to myself I am getting better with this but it’s still not good enough.

I hate my landlord so much that I didn’t inform him of the leak coming from the bath down on to the kitchen ceiling, I just kept putting it off and off to the point it’s too late now, the ceiling is ruined and he will go absolutely batshit at me and he frightens the life out of me. I have to pay for it to get sorted but I don’t I just let it get worse.

My beautiful lovely children get a mask every day of a happy stable Mum who smiles and cuddles them but inside I’m a wreck, an absolute mess, my brain just won’t focus on anything, I constantly make mistakes, I can’t do a simple fucking task without somehow fucking it up and I can’t take anymore!!!

Today I was sitting on the sofa and somehow managed to bang my head on the wall as I was getting up (don’t even ask me how! Because I can’t tell you) so hard that I cried and now have a huge lump next my temple, I lost it with myself, absolutely lost it because I can’t fucking be this person anymore, I can’t do it, I can’t face waking up to another day of being me!!!! I AM A FUCKING LIABILITY TO MYSELF AND OTHERS. I need locking up in a padded room or throwing off a bridge.

I’m so sorry if you’ve taken the time to read that I know it’s fucking pathetic and embarrassing but if didn’t get that out I think I might explode.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[SlartyFarkBarstard]

I keep thinking they’d all be better off without me, I can’t function day to day like a normal person I try but fail all the time with everything.
Surely they’d be better off away from someone like me? I must be damaging them? I can’t help with homework’s because I have zero intelligence or understanding for their school work, the house is a mess all the time.
I can’t support them with problems at school or with friends and peers because I always tell them the wrong thing or wrong way of dealing with it and make things worse for them.
I’m so angry all the fucking time and when they’re not here I just blow up and lose it crying and hitting myself. I’m a fucking loon. It’s better they don’t have me in their lives isn’t it? I’m an awful parent.

[nixnjj]

The important thing here is that you said you manage to function to cuddle your kids. Your kids matter enough for you to go on, they would not be better off without you.

You sound depressed the dropping, forgetting stuff, not being able to shrug it off. Life sounds very stressful but it can be sorted with baby steps. I'm a couple of steps ahead and I got there by asking for help.
Please speak to someone. GP, you can ask them to sign post you to others cbt courses, other groups and charities if you feel tablets don't help.

I'm not in a really good place myself now but I didn't want you to feel,alone

[SlartyFarkBarstard]

nixnjj I’m sorry you’re unwell Thank you for your kind words. I didn’t expect anyone to read all of that.

[lunabear1]

OP I’m sorry you feel so dreadful but please know your kids are definitely not better off without you.

You sound depressed. This would explain the lack of motivation in your home, forgetfulness and feeling of dispair when you’re alone. I only say this because I suffer with depression and get all of the above!

With regards to money, it can be a slippery slope (one which I’ve been in myself). Please please please contact Step Change and let them help you. They will give you a case number and then you ring your creditors ask for your outstanding balances and tell them to put your account on hold and give them the step change reference number this will stop interest being added.

[lunabear1]

Step change then negotiate with the creditors to have it all paid off in instalments you set up a direct debit to step change and they sort it all for you.

[SlartyFarkBarstard]

Thanks Luna sorry to hear that you suffer too. I’m in such despair I can’t see a way forward right now but I’ll look at StepChange today. Can’t help feeling it’s pointless because I’ll fuck it up like every thing else I touch. I wish I could just end things without hurting people 😭

[laurzj82]

Sorry you are feeling this way OP.

You are not being very nice to yourself. I bet you wouldn't talk to someone else the way you talk about yourself (especially if they had SPLDs and potentially ADHD)!

Would GP refer you for CBT? It could help challenging some of your negative thoughts about yourself x

[lunabear1]

Hey OP. How have you got on today with Step change? You wont mess it up. I know it's so easy to think that way - I do myself when I'm feeling down. The hardest part of money problems is the ability for it to take over your entire life. I'm sure if you lift the stress of that, you will start to see the light in other areas too. I know I did. xx

[Apricotjamsndwich]

You've a lot going on there but by the end of your post I had the impression you are actually a rather strong person-there's only one way to tackle this mountain and that's through small steps. Contacting step change seems like the priority.

[SlartyFarkBarstard]

Thanks for all your messages
laurzj82 You’re completely right of course I’d never in a million years treat someone the way I treat myself.
I’ve made an appointment with my GP but it’s a 3 week wait so I’ll have to try and cope until then, I haven’t contacted StepChange yet, still burying my head- dealing with it seems like an insurmountable task But I know I have to.
I don’t feel strong I feel small and weak and pathetic, I had all 3 of my kids curled up on the sofa with me tonight and only the thought of not seeing them grow up is keeping me alive at the moment even if I am a terrible Mum to them 😢

[GretaBritain]

You sound completely overwhelmed and you sound full of self hate. Would you let anyone else talk to you like that?
You need help to change the way you see yourself. You need to treat yourself with kindness.
Please see your doctor...ask for counselling. I can recommend mindfulness too.
Do it for your kids at this point if you can't do it for yourself.

Only try to change one or two things. Be proud of anything you do at all that is positive.
Small steps.
Much love to you. You deserve it. We all do xx

[SlartyFarkBarstard]

GretaBritain
Thank you you’re very kind, you all are

[Shiela2017]

I am so sorry you feel this way. FYI we are all fuck ups! We all mess up, we all make mistakes. Do you know the one thing I took from what you wrote - your beautiful children- what an amazing thing you have done to bring up such lovely children. Well done for bring a brilliant mum, its the hardest and most important job 🌸🌸🌸

[mrwalkensir]

Need to be much nicer to yourself - if you read somebody else putting what you've put, you'd think they were actually doing very well with the hitches they've had and they have happy loved kids (you have no idea how important that is - I could never have curled up with my Mum as she was/is too dangerous - you are already way ahead of anything she has achieved in her life as a parent). Don't think anybody can remember their children being babies unless they have videos - the postnatal brain fug wipes it out. I can remember I enjoyed mine, but no actual specific memories iyswim. You are beating yourself up unnecessarily

[OrigamiParrot]

Please call your doctor back and ask for an appointment this week - I took the difficult step of making an appointment to talk about my mental health last week, and was offered something in the middle of December - I explained to the receptionist how I didn't think I could wait that long and she found me something that week. Please give them a call. On the debt, take a look at the debt camel site, the section on payday loan refunds particularly.

And I'm with mrwalkensir - my youngest is still a baby and I already can't remember the newborn bit! Go easy on yourself.

[SlartyFarkBarstard]

I’ve managed to get an appointment for tomorrow due to a cancellation, I just know I’m going to freeze up and not be able to articulate my issues though and the GP will not be able to help if that happens 😫

[OrigamiParrot]

Could you show them your original post on this thread if you'd struggle to say it? I have a huge tendency to minimise and worried that I would just gloss over everything, so I made sure to open the conversation with 'I'd like to talk about my mental health, I'm feeling like I can't cope' (in case I said I was fine!).

[dangermouseisace]

glad you've got an appt OP. Have you considered writing down your problems, maybe as bullet points?

Please call step change. My ex used them he had waaaaaaay more debt than you and was not opening letters etc. We had to change our phone number because debt people were phoning 5 times plus per day. After speaking to them I could physically see the change in him- it was a relief to find out that things could be done and that they could help. It wasn't easy, but he (actually we) paid it all back over a number of years and had enough money for food etc. CAB can also help if you would prefer to talk to them. They may also be able to support with landlord issues.

Don't worry about the uni debt. I see uni debt as non existent/inconsequential...and must admit that I don't even bother reading the amounts any more. I'm never going to earn enough to pay it off. It gets written off after a certain number of years anyway doesn't it? So don't worry about having 'nothing to show' for it...if you have to earn more than £21000 to even start paying any of it off, and it comes out of your wages automatically. When I earned enough, it was only a small amount that came out of my wages, I didn't even notice it. So don't count the student debt as 'debt'...think of it more like a grant unless you believe you're going to be earning enough to pay it off soon!

[hevonbu]

Sounds awful. There was another thread about filing for bankruptcy (so as to close the debts) and that could be something to look into. The memory problems, depression and overweight suggest (but I'm no expert) to perhaps see your GP and have your thyroid tested. I have a friend who got support (legal guardian) to help with the finances and who also get support in terms of someone visiting every day to help get the persons things in order, see to it they get up every day, get breakfast etc. /as opposed to just staying in bed/. It's not shameful, it's just when you have been unfortunate enough to have some sort of diagnosis it's harder to cope with certain things and a little bit of help is needed. (For physical ailments it's more like crutches, a wheel chair, hearing aid, etc.)

[hevonbu]

If' you're worried not to be able to articulate things tomorrow, just bring a print out of this thread (or a screen dump on your phone, if you're on the phone) and bring it and show the doctor.

[JorlyWood]

Hello,
I will say what pp have said: I think you are depressed. It sounds like you have been for some time and you mention that your husband is as well. Can I ask if he is receiving help for this? If not I would encourage him also to see the GP as this will have a positive effect on your mood.

I have felt how you feel now and I actually attempted suicide because of it but then I received the help that I needed. It was then that I realised that no, people wouldn't be better off without me and yes, people would miss me and mourn me. Please understand that your children want nothing more in the world than you, their mum. Even if they don't show it all the time because they are kids they love you so so much.

I also believe that we should be looking at the present and to the future. Yes, you have made mistakes but so have we all. I don't know much about repaying debt but what pp have said sounds like the way to go. You can do it, you can make that phone call or those phonecalls! There is no other option, that may sound scary but for me I had to understand that in order to do what had to be done to move on and get better. Acceptance of what has happened and acceptance of what you need to do.

I am only writing what has worked for me in my experience. I hope that it might help you and give you courage to talk to the gp, talk to step change and start feeling better. You can do it OP. Your kids love you and need you there for them, happy and healthy!

Also please remember a lot of these "faults" and "mistakes" have probably been caused by depression and that is NOT your fault. Good luck, I hope my words have helped at least a little.

[SlartyFarkBarstard]

GP was not great, dismissive and kept putting her hand up to stop me talking.
However I did get a referral to the MH team but there’s a long wait, no medication as I’m breastfeeding so have to just wait and present to A&E if I feel I’m “losing the plot” as she so helpfully phrased it.

My DP is seeing a counsellor weekly, he’s quit his job because of stress and his counsellor has advised him not to take another job until he can find one in his chosen field. The woman is an idiot, I wonder if she’s going to come and pay our bills and fund our Christmas!?

Really feel like crawling in a hole and dying 😩

[Lillybilly20]

SlartyFarkBarstard I'm so sorry your GP wasn't great. Perhaps she did not come across well but meant well iyswim? It is good that you have been referred on but rubbish that will have to wait. Good luck and know that you will feel better xxx please do call the samaritans if you need to talk in the mean time xxx

[borntobequiet]

How old is your baby? Has no one suggested PND?

[SlartyFarkBarstard]

She’s 17 months now, no one has suggested PND. I started getting down around 5-6 months ago she’d have just turned 1 around that time.