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Hi, I am suffering with self harm ideation but in unusual ways

(4 Posts)
polkadott30 Sun 05-Nov-17 23:59:50

have suffered with self injury since i was about 8 years old which progressed as I aged. Cutting, scratching, biting myself. But also in ways like I would pick fights and try to get myself punished or blamed for things. I do not understand why because I was abused if I made mistakes at home by my DF, so why I would want to do this, I do not know. I have diagnoses of BPD/EUPD and possibly CPTSD. I feel i crave drama yet at same time I seem to be very hypervigilant and fearful of anything bad happening to me. I do rituals to help me feel safe- checking things again and again. I used to be OCD full blown, now just traits.
Lately I have developed a habit of picking fights online when I am feeling low. It often ends badly. I am scared but something compels me to keep doing it. I know they say trolls just do it for attention but I don't think it is purely that with me. Partly, but the need for attention comes out of some very deep pain

ClementineWardrobe Mon 06-Nov-17 00:16:19

Hi polkadott, that sounds like a lot to cope with. I'm sorry to hear it.
I think you are very strong to post so honestly and openly here. The internet can be wonderful and awful in equal measure if you feel bad

Are you seeing a decent GP? Who is on your side in real life? Who is on team polkadott?
cake for you

polkadott30 Mon 06-Nov-17 00:32:34

Thanks ClementineWardrobe
I have a CPN, and a social worker also having housing support (am registered as physically disabled also). I am on a waiting list for trauma therapy. I know I probably need to call the Crisis Team but I feel afraid I will be put back in hospital

ClementineWardrobe Mon 06-Nov-17 10:20:30

Ok my internet flunked out; please call the crisis team and talk to them. Is it fair to say there are some good people on team Polkadott looking out for you? I know I'm a stranger typing messages but just know that I'm thinking of you today, and wishing you well.
Maybe just try to get through today hour by hour and make that call.

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