Suicidal after abortion

[Topaz89]

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

[Luckyaide]

you need to talk to someone in RL. Do you have any one close that you can talk to ? It is totally understandable that you will be distressed and mixed up at this time. It's early days. Did the clinic that you attended give you any contact details for support?
You are neither the first nor will you be the last to be in this position. You need to really nurture yourself too. Big hugs.

[littleorange]

Oh you poor thing

Do you want to talk more about why you feel this way? Or is there someone you could call?

Marie Stopes have a really excellent counselling line, and the Samaritans rate always there

[Topaz89]

I have people to talk to in RL but it's still not helping
I have a counselling appointment with Marie Stopes tomorrow morning.

I rushed in to the decision and now I am devastated that I went with my head rather than my heart. All the reasons seemed so valid at the time but now it's sank in that I've killed an innocent little life and taken away their whole future I am so deeply ashamed. I can't live with myself.

[ZippyCameBack]

I know exactly how you are feeling. You won't feel like this forever, but it is hard and going to talk to someone is exactly the right thing to do.
Killing yourself just adds more pain to the situation. It won't solve anything. Please seek urgent help if you feel like you might act on the urge to harm yourself.
Feel free to pm me if you think it will help to share your experiences with someone who has been where you are.

[foresttrees2]

Hi. I didn't feel I could read this thread without replying to you. It's still very raw at the moment, please give yourself time to process. I don't have personal experience of this, but I do have a close friend who went through something similar. It's something that many women go through. Be kind to yourself and you can talk to us on here, to someone in real life or to the trained people at samaritans or similar. Sending hugs xx

[Topaz89]

It is very raw forest, it's only been a week. I've never felt this dark in all my life and I have been through depression/anxiety. This is grief, but caused by my own actions.

[Bratsandtwats]

OP please, please, please contact The Samaritans immediately if you are feeling suicidal.
There are numerous ways if you don't feel able to physically talk to them.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

[Escapingmyshitlife123]

Op I had a termination in my teens and felt the same, it does get easier and days, weeks, months from now you will look back and know that you did the right thing. I still get sad sometimes all these years later but nowhere near to the raw pain I remember feeling so clearly at the beginning.

[Topaz89]

I've not eaten properly in over a week now and I'm getting about 2 hours sleep at night. When I wake up during the night I have a panic attack because the thoughts come flooding back. I've become very withdrawn and quiet and every day things are just so. hard. work.
I was a completely different person just a few weeks ago. Completely different.

I didn't anticipate the emotional breakdown that comes after abortion.

[Adviceplease360]

Oh topaz, please call the samaritans good luck

[PerfectlyDone]

You made a decision for sound reasons; terminating a pregnancy for reasons that are right for you does not preclude a feeling of regret or guilt. It can STILL be the right decision.

Grieve for the pregnancy that did not continue, by all means.
But do not invalidate the reasons your head, as you say, made at the time.

Please look after yourself: eat when you can, sleep when you can, get outside to see life going on and for fresh air, and hopefully your counselling will help to give you some perspective and allow you to see that you made a brave decision for your reasons

[Topaz89]

As expected I'm up wide awake yet again. I'm so tired though.
I can't stop thinking about what I've done and how I ended that innocent little life. I'm in a daze.
This sounds crazy but I want to get pregnant again straight away, so I can have another chance to bring a life in to the world. Do you think that will help to heal me?

[clownfaces]

No it won't help to pregnant again.
You know the reasons why you decided to terminate and you don't need to explain to anyone.

[clownfaces]

Whatever your reasons for terminating, having another pregnancy will not help

[Ofthread]

I have been there and many others will have been too. It’s a horrible feeling. The reasons why you made your decision will still be there when you are ready to think about them. It sounds like your anxiety is sky high and it is difficult to actually think and feel what you need to think and feel. It’s So good that you are going to counselling.

[chipmonkey]

Your emotions are bound to be all over the place at the moment. Even the hormones won't be helping; pregnancy can often give you a "high" and when the hormones are gone, you can come crashing down.

Are you in a long term relationship?

[Gweidjen]

I was so sorry to see your post. I have not had the same experience, but have friends who have, and they ALL recovered in time. You terminated the pregnancy for sound reasons, and it was the right thing to do because you acted rationally, using your head. When the circumstances are right you can have a baby to love and nurture, but that time is not now. Please, please do not harm yourself, and have faith that you will not always feel like this. Sending you a massive hug. Xx

[OkPedro]

topaz surely the reasons you ended the pregnancy are still the same? Hope that makes sense?

I understand you are hurting, I hope the counselling helps..
I've had two abortions and was never offered counselling. I live in a county where abortion is completely illegal so I had to travel to the uk.

It's not easy for any woman to terminate a pregnancy.. go easy on yourself

[HollowCity]

Hope you're ok OP. Do you live alone? No personal experience of this but can feel your pain in your words.

[Broken11Girl]

Oh, love Agree with pp that you must have done it for a reason. You felt you couldn't give the potential baby a good life right now. You did it because you care, not because you don't.
It's good you're having counselling. Samaritans is a good idea if you're still awake and distressed. Take care of yourself.

[Twillow]

It's grief for the what-if's, and is terribly painful but doesn't mean you have done the wrong thing. Let yourself wallow a little but be kind to yourself. You had good reasons for your decision and don't let yourself be undermined by doubt xxx

[Topaz89]

My reasons were very important at the time. Now I feel like I could have just made it work.
I am in a long term relationship and we have 3 children already. They are 2, 4 and 6 and my 4 year old has autism. It is so hectic and I am exhausted as it is. I love them so much and was scared about adding another child in to the equation because of how it might affect my existing children.
I was also very sick during those few weeks of being pregnant and was useless for my children. dp had to work. I didn't want to carry on like that because I knew it would be like that for weeks on end and I need to be well and at my best to deal with a toddler and a child with autism. Looking back I should have just got some anti sickness tablets not given up.

[foresttrees2]

It may help to focus on your children. Do you want to tell us about them? What do they get up to at the weekend? Assuming you are in the uk, do you do fireworks? They have cancelled our town display this year in favour of a Halloween parade.
I hope you are able to eat something, please be kind to yourself.

[PerfectlyDone]

Even with the best anti-sickness tablets in the world some women with hyperemesis gravidarum are ill to the point of hospitalisation for the entirety of their pregnancy. And sickness in pregnancy tends to get worse with every subsequent pregnancy.

You were considering your existing children's, your family and your own needs, happiness and how to sustain that. This all sounds like good reasons for me to not risk with another pregnancy.

I think you are doing whatever the opposite of 'rose-tinted spectacles' would be: making everything worse in retrospect than the reality.