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My husband thinks he has depression and has left me.

(22 Posts)
MissSV Fri 03-Nov-17 11:08:15

Hi all, my husband has been feeling off this past year and thinks he has depression. Last Monday he decided he couldn’t take anymore and left to try and figure out what is making him miserable. I have 2 ds and am left absolutely distraught. I haven’t eaten or slept roperly in 2 weeks. Dh comes over to see kids every night. He tells me he loves me and that he doesn’t know when he will come back, it’s just that he needs a break. One minute I’m ok thinking this is temporary, the next I can’t stop crying wondering what the future will bring. It is extreme torture. In suffering with terrible anxiety and feel so confused and heartbroken. Dh says he needs a break, but from what? It’s obviously not from the kids as he sees them everyday! I try to ask him what he’s feeling but he just says he doesn’t know and that his brain is non stop and he just needs to figure things out. What do I do... my heart is hurting and I can’t seem to function or stop crying!

Fluffybrain Fri 03-Nov-17 11:30:52

Sorry you are going through this. Has he been to his GP?

MissSV Fri 03-Nov-17 11:38:15

No he’s not willing to go atm. I’m trying to give him space and not rush him, but this feeling of being in limbo is torture!! If I go to go will they give me something to help with my anxiety?

Figgygal Fri 03-Nov-17 11:40:05

Hes being cruel and not going to dr is not achieving anything if this is genuinely down to depression

He needs to go asap and I would suggest yes maybe you do to

MissSV Fri 03-Nov-17 11:46:32

i have just got off phone to my mother, I had to put phone down on her. She badgering me about what’s happening and asking why dh is not coming home. She told me she is not sleeping cos she’s so worried... I can’t cope with her whilst trying to deal with my own pain!

I know he’s being cruel, my friends have told me this, but if he is really depressed, I don’t want to put pressure on him.

annakarenina2 Fri 03-Nov-17 12:12:37

Hi OP,

First of all - huge sympathies. I'm going through something similar atm, except my DH is convinced it's the marriage that's making him depressed. That really hurts to hear. I've been struggling with motherhood and a loss of a sense of identity - I'm a SAH
- and it's taken me a while to admit to myself that I've been growing resentful of my new role, and DH's lack of willingness to recognise how hard it can be/take me seriously.

I do think he is depressed, but he's just found an easy scapegoat.

Do you know where your DH is staying? Have you had any issues - I don't mean huge rows etc - but maybe a disagreement that could have set him off?

Thinking of you. Let me know if you want to talk.

MissSV Fri 03-Nov-17 12:29:39

Hi Anna,
I too am a sahm (his choice!)and I found myself resenting this! We never really argue, just noticed this past year he getting more and more withdrawn and drinking more. He lost loads of weight and seem to have lost interest in doing things! A week before he left, one night he just made some excuse about popping out and left for hours. He was still in his pyjamas!!! When I called him he said he just needed to be on his own. He staying with his nephew only 5 mins away. I know I have to be patient. Thank you for your support, I’m sorry you are going through this too, maybe we can help each through this?? Xxx

annakarenina2 Fri 03-Nov-17 12:53:57

Maybe he has sensed your resentment? I've been doing a lot of soul searching since this bombshell (three weeks ago). I think I've been snappier than pre-baby, and, because his self esteem was already quite low to begin with, he has probably felt like it was some sort of personal attack.

Sounds like our H cope in similar ways. Mine, too, lost a lot of weight this summer and has upped his drinking. He also seemed increasingly detached from our DS, whom he adores. I couldn't wait for him to return from his existential drink antics anymore so I took our DS and went to stay with my parents for a bit. He's occasionally texted me and says he misses our son and still loves me, but struggles to see a way forward.

It's a real blow, especially since he never gave us a chance to work through this before it escalated to this point!

Do you have much in the way of real life support? Does he come back to see your DC? X

Biscuitsneeded Fri 03-Nov-17 13:09:20

And what happens if you decide you 'need a break' too? So you've given up your career to look after his children, and now you're not fun any more, you're 'just' a mum/domestic drudge, and although he's glad to have the kids he's not so thrilled by being in this relationship any more. There'll be another woman in all of this somewhere. So sorry OP.

MissSV Fri 03-Nov-17 13:12:15

Omg our stories are so similar! No we decided for me give up work to see if it made a difference to how he was feeling.
He comes over the house every day to see kids, and during this time he tells me he really loves me and that none of this is my fault. When I try to question him, he gets quite worked up and says he can’t explain how he’s feeling, just that his head is like a washing machine that’s constantly on spin! My friends suggested that if he needs a break then I should tell him not to come over, but he wants to see kids and I don’t want to put them through anymore than they have to. He has the boys one at a time to stay with him cos he doesn’t want me to be on my own. My friends are all supportive, not my mum though who tells me she can’t sleep from all the worry!! However as supportive as they are, I don’t want to be the needy friend who’s constantly on the phone e to them crying!!! I know he’s calling all the shots at the moment but I’m clinging onto the hope that things will work out.

Have you talked about how you are going to move forward?

MissSV Fri 03-Nov-17 13:16:44

We’ve had the conversation about another woman many times... I have given him every opportunity to confess especially now we separated, but he swears on mine and the kids lives that he hasn’t been unfaithful... what am I to do?

GummyGoddess Fri 03-Nov-17 13:24:52

Go into a different room when he's visiting the children, his depression is no excuse for causing you pain.

He shouldn't be telling you he loves you and then refusing to talk to you, it's not good for your health at the moment.

annakarenina2 Fri 03-Nov-17 13:34:52

MN users love jumping to the OW conclusion. Don't stress yourself up about it unless you think there are genuine clues. I had a snoop on his phone (awful I know) but all I found was him telling some colleagues about how "shit and difficult life is at the moment", so I do believe sometimes men leave because they're depressed. It's happened to a close male friend of mine - he just had an existential depressive crisis about "where is my life going".

It's SO hard not to get angry, for me anyway, because I feel like he should have talked to me sooner. But he isn't the type to open up and I think a lot has been brewing in his head.

I'm taking the gentle but firm "I'm here and I'll be supportive, but I won't wait around forever" approach. He retreats further if I push him too much with confrontational conversations, so I've backed off for a bit. Giving him some time to maybe miss us and clear his head.

He did go to see his GP the day DS and I left, and told me he's anxious but hopeful about his first counselling session next week. But, he isn't being very reassuring in the way of moving forward, which is utterly heartbreaking of course.

Giving you strength. It's so tough. How to find a fine line of being supportive to someone who seems like they're genuinely struggling, while still being respectful and kind to yourself?

When I'm back in the family home, I want to try a tactic I read somewhere of just doing something new and unexpected with H. Instead of mulling over the issues, trying to do something nice together and remembering why we got together in the first place. Sometimes, a little bit of fun is what's needed to break out of a cycle of anxiety and negativity.

Have you tried to prove further re- your relationship? Did you ask him, "is there something can I do right now to make it feel safe for you to talk to me, and to maybe return home?" ?

annakarenina2 Fri 03-Nov-17 13:36:23

Probe * apologies for the grammatical mistakes etc typing on my phone!

singme Fri 03-Nov-17 15:21:02

Just wanted to say I really empathise.
This week my DH has said similar about not sure what the future is with our relationship and how he has been depressed for years. Im so worried for him but I also know that I need to look out for myself as well. We don't have children though so it's a bit different.

I don't really have any advice as I am still struggling myself but I really believe that I will be happy again, and so will you. Please look after yourself flowers

merrykate Sat 04-Nov-17 01:59:52

Oh how awful. It sounds like he's depressed and in denial. Encourage him to seek help and maybe enlist his friends to speak to him. Go to the doctors for your anxiety. They'll probably give you beta blockers. Concentrate on getting yourself strong both mentally and physically. For the sake of your kids you need to eat, sleep etc. They need you. Good luck x

MissSV Sat 04-Nov-17 09:11:31

Thanks for the kind messages, I too have snooped on his phone and found nothing! 😬😬 it is hard, we are going to a show tonight just the two of us, so maybe that’s a start in the right direction! Im trying kalms first to see if they work before going to docs. Anyone else tried these?

merrykate Sat 04-Nov-17 12:27:21

I've only tried Kalms for sleeping and they were fine. I hope you both enjoy spending time together tonight.

6catsandcounting Sun 05-Nov-17 10:22:28

I feel for you both. I have depression and have effectively left home because it is the only way I can cope atm. My dc are teenage so dh can manage them no problem and they do come and stay with me. The 'stress' of family life and 'expectations' can be really hard for someone who just wants to stay in bed all day sad
I do agree tho that he should go to GP - it is hard especially for men to admit but it does help. If his GP is not supportive change - I just have and the support I am now getting is fabulous whereas before he just couldn't be bothered. Meds can literally be a life saver, he owes it to you and your dc to give them a go.
It is really tricky how much you interact- dh has pretty much left me alone for the last few weeks to try to reduce the stress but now I feel like he doesn't care so it is a really delicate balance blush

Kindnessrules Tue 14-Nov-17 20:11:40

Hi I’m in a similar situation but a few months down the line.
I had our second child in June and 10 days after my DH had a breakdown. During my pregnancy I had prenatal depression so things had been a bit off between us I asked him a couple of times if he was having an affair which he said no. Anyway 2 weeks after his breakdown 2weeks of him been a curled up ball of crying mess he told me had had been confiding in snother women and had kissed her in February. We agreed we would work things out he /we would get counselling etc but once his antidepressants kicked in he distanced himself even further from me he moved in with his dad and stopped communicating with me about the problem. Then I discovered he was still meeting up to talk with this BITCH! Then he took off his wedding ring then he told me I thinks he wants to be with her. We have only just started counselling in which he said he doesn’t know what he wants he just wants to be happy and to never have a breakdown again. He still talking to the BITCH but everyday he is at our house eating tea with us putting our toddler to bed he spends a bit of time with the baby but I don’t think their is a great bond there I think it’s fake.
The Drs still haven’t given him personal counselling and I think the antidepressants are stopping him from feeling anything.
I’m a wreck crying all the time and bad anxiety but have to keep going as our 2 year old and 5month old need me.
I really hope he comes to his senses and comes back to me I don’t understand how you can just give up on 16 years of love and 2 very little children.
I hope you all manage to work through things and get as much support as you can x x

HayleyNash Tue 14-Nov-17 20:46:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Greene01 Tue 14-Nov-17 20:57:11

In your position, as hard as it is, I would start thinking about my future. If he is shaking the ground beneath your feet, and not willing to see a therapist or take meds (i.e take responsibility), then you have to protect ypur future. Perhaps start looking at going back to work, maybe part time. Starting a family is stressful on everyone, perhaps it is more than he feels he can handle, but as moms we seldom have that luxury. Right now you are in a vulnerable position, dependant on him, and responsible for 2 minors. Whether he is having an affair or a breakdown, I think it would be wise for you to think smart at this juncture. I know it is tough advice, but I learned from experience, you have to protect yourself.

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