In floods of tears

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

A friend I've had a few years has just dumped me. She sent me a long text saying that I was self centred. I'm absolutely devastated. I have depression and have recently been through a rough time. I became a bit quiet and introverted and so she said I wasn't interested enough in her. She also said that other people thought the same and that's why they didn't want to talk to me. I am so hurt.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Really struggling. I'm heartbroken.

[Mantegnaria]

Since she bothered to tell you instead of just fading out, she wants you to mend it.

Email her back saying your really sorry, you've been a bit down and you didn't mean to get at her or let her down.

Then make an effort to be a bit chatty and ask her how SHE feels and what she's up to. Probably the whole thing will get better.

[MummySparkle]

I’m listening.

Is there anything that’s happened recently to have provoked such a text from her?

Have you told her about your depression?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I didn't do anything wrong. I became very introverted and admitted to her that I had self harmed a few weeks ago. She was really supportive.
I don't want to mend it now. I'm really hurt.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

We hadn't spoken for a few weeks. She sent me a text saying she'd forgive me for not saying happy birthday and ask how I was.
I apologised. I don't have Facebook, So I missed her birthday. I asked how her day had gone. She didn't reply.
Then a couple of weeks without contact. I'm trying to feel better. Then this.

[Handygarrottes]

That's awful op . No wonder you are upset.

No true friend would do this. They would worry about the reasons why you seemed quiet and ask if you were ok. Even if they felt a bit hurt, they wouldn't just send a text ending the friendship without talking to you properly first, or giving you a chance to make things right. True friends are there for when you are not at your best.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Thank you. I'm so hurt. I actually had a relationship end in Sept so it feels like she's twisted the knife

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I guess I thought I was getting better. She said she didn't want to be part of my echo chamber and tell me what I want to hear. She said it wasn't just her who felt that.
I feel now that I am frightened to have friends in case they feel the same as she did.

[Handygarrottes]

X posts. She obviously felt upset that she had supported you and then you hadn't remembered her birthday which is understandable I suppose. Would she have been more understanding if you had had a physical illness though? Perhaps she doesn't understand the debilitating effects of depression? Would it help if you explained to her how it affects you? She may not realise how it makes you feel?

[Handygarrottes]

Sorry, xposts again.

It must be horrible to feel that your friends have been discussing you. Do you think they are genuinely worried for you?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I have been there for her in the past. It took a lot of courage to confide in her about the self harm.
At one point I really felt I couldn't cope, so remembering the birthday of my friend without a handy Facebook reminder slipped my mind.
I don't want to repair things with her. It feels like the worst kind of betrayal. How can I trust anyone again?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

If you were genuinely worried for someone, would you text them (not call) after a couple of weeks silence, to tell them they were self centred?

[Handygarrottes]

No I wouldn't but perhaps she was hurt at not having heard from you? (Not saying that makes it right though.)

It's difficult. I'm no expert on depression but a favourite aunt suffered really badly with it when we were DC. At those times, she cut herself off from us all (including my mother - her sister) because she didn't want us to see her like that. We couldn't understand it and felt hurt, because we didn't care what state she was in, we just loved her for herself ifyswim. And so there we were, both sides stuck. She really suffering. And us feeling hurt. There's no easy answers ... but I am sorry you are going through this op

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Honestly I was doing ok and reading that message makes me want to isolate myself even more.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I don't want to be a burden to anyone

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Thank you though handy. I appreciate the support.

[Handygarrottes]

I'm sorry you feel bad op. I hope someone will come along with better advice.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I don't think there are any solutions to it really.

[Handygarrottes]

And it sounds like you are the opposite of a burden!

[Handygarrottes]

Sorry! Keep cross posting

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Thank you. I am unwell but I don't want to be a burden to anyone

[Handygarrottes]

No worries. I'm not much help! I hope you can access support in rl and that things improve for you op.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

You have been someone to talk to and you've been great! I sometimes wonder if I have traits of bpd. I have a terrible fear of abandonment, so this friend tapped into all of my worst fears. I suspect I'll withdraw from real life friends now if I don't absolutely trust them.

[Handygarrottes]

And yes, I agree, it would have been far better if your friend had had the courtesy to talk to you about these issues face to face, rather than sending a text.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I think it's horrible to say 'I'm bowing out now' without alerting the person to the fact that there's an issue and allowing them to explain or rectify it.