Ok bare with me here because I know this is crazy but I can’t move on. Also the below is quite gruesome so please be safe when reading.
About 2 weeks ago I had a “flashback” of murdering a man, chopping up his body, putting it in hesian sacks and in the boot of my car. It was so vivid and realistic and I felt all panicky and sick that somebody would find out.
Now in my sane moments like now I know this didn’t happen and it’s just my crazy mind making things up but I also have huge stretches of time where it feels real and I feel terrified that someone is going to find out. I think about going to the police to hand myself in and today spent about 20 sat outside a police station fighting myself in whether to go in or not.
Just so I don’t drip feed I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and I am on various medications for this.
I just don’t no what to do. How do I get rid of these thoughts and the guilty sick feeling I have.
Thank you for the replies. I don’t have a CPN or psych. I was discharged from the adult team because I didn’t engage (my fault completely). I could go to the GP but what if he hands me into the police??
This sounds like paranoia to me. I think it's extremely unlikely you actually have done this, so I think, if you can't control the thoughts and feelings, you should go to the GP. I'm sure they won't call the police unless you can actually provide a body!!
FWIW I had a 'feeling' many years ago that I too had possibly killed someone and that while I couldn't remember, my family and friends knew, and were 'hiding' it from me to protect me. Very odd feeling but it passed after a few months. I didn't go to a doctor, but I did tell my most trusted friend and she was the one who made me see it was just some form of paranoia. Had it got worse, and had I started to feel even more unsettled and uncomfortable, then I would have.
I would definitely try to speak to a professional, vivid dreams are scary. I had one last night which involved me sending my two year old to nursery in his pushchair unaccompanied on the bus, due to being in a rush, and only realised afterwards that he wouldn't be able to get off the bus and I didn't know which nursery so couldn't ring to check he'd arrived .
Obviously the evidence in my case that this was a dream was fairly strong as DS was snoring next to me when I woke up but my God, I felt sick when I thought about it. I have anxiety and depression, and intrusive thoughts are common with MH issues.
I second a PP's suggestion to find someone who will be kind - I had a period of very scary trauma-related dreams last year and the kindness of my counsellor helped immensely.
Your GP will not turn you into the police, any more than mine would report me to social services.
If it's that bad that you are waiting outside the police station, go to A and E, they will get you assessed straight away and probably get you home crisis help to check in with you and refer you back to adult service x
I have a recurring dream. Had it again on Sunday night. It's always the same , I have killed someone years ago and buried the body. I have kept it secret but the case is reopened as new evidence has come to light. In the dream its all closing in on me. I put it down to anxiety and the relief is always immense when I realise I haven't actually killed someone. It must be so much more terrifying when you are awake. You haven't killed anyone and are not likely too. Its intrusive thoughts and even though they are terrifying you can learn not to feed them and just let them pass through. You will likely need professional to learn how to recognise and deal with them.
This kind of fear is not uncommon. It is a fear that there is a terrible darkness inside you. You worry that it will burst out, or others will see it. But the good news is...it isn't there. Calm down. You know yourself, there is no secret personality waiting to scare you. There is beauty and strength inside you, as in all people. Stop focusing on the fear, and think about some compassionate and kind things you have really done. Spend time doing relaxation meditations (from youtube). Think of things you are proud of and like about your life. What is your favourite perfume/smell? What is your favourite colour? These are small signs pointing to your real...beautiful personality.
Yes sounds like OCD. Apparently a common intrusive thought is that one want to sexually abuse children too. The rationale is that people with OCD think these extreme awful thoughts but would never carry them through but because the thought is so hideous, it gets stuck in their brains. Truly awful.
OP get a referral to the Adult Mental Team and if you're really desperate, ring your local Crisis Team. You're not alone OP, I understand OCD/Anxiety (not first hand) and it's shit.