Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.
Aibu to feel like this over sons dad(6 Posts)
Hi, so I don’t think this is the right place to post but I’ll give it a shot.
Me and my sons father split last August when I found out I was pregnant. We had no contact what so ever until my son was 4 & a half months old (now nearly 6 months). We were childhood sweethearts, got “together” at 12 and then as we grew up, we actually fell in love with each other. Anyway, we only started speaking again because my best friend messaged him to see how he was. He said he wanted to meet, so we did the next day without my son. At first, he wanted to take it slow with our son because I think he was nervous. This might make me look easy but we slept together that night. We’ve been sleeping together ever since but only because I thought there was potential of getting back together. He’s become such an amazing dad which has shocked me. He’s a bit nervous sometimes but he is beyond amazing at being a dad. He’s very passionate about how much he loves him and will always be there for him.
Last week, we was out with our friends and he randomly said “if anything happens between us, I’ll never walk away from DS”. I immediately knew he meant he didn’t want to carry on getting back together. He’s now “speaking” to his ex again and wants to be very close friends with me like we used to be. He wants to be a dad and I will never stop him. Today was our sons christening and we ended up having a blazing row (not in front of our son, we were alone with ex’s best friend). We were really shouting and I said some really nasty stuff about him not caring about our son until a couple months ago and he didn’t care when I nearly lost our son. I am not a nasty person and I have never argued with my ex before. Ever. I instantly regretted it and even thinking about the hurt on his face makes me feel sick. We hugged and made up after, but I still feel bad.
Anyway, I know he’s getting back with his ex. I’m trying to be the good friend and when he tells me about what they’re doing, I just laugh and say things like “ooo already at second base”. But it is absolutely killing me. He’s the only person I’ve ever been with. He’s the only person I’ve ever loved that way and the only person I trust. When I look at our son, I see him. Along with my son, they are the two most important people in my life. I help him with money for petrol and other things he needs, never ask for it back but I like to help him because he has no other money. I gave him my old phone and paid for it to be fixed because he lost his. In my eyes, I do a lot for him but obviously that might just be in my head.
I can’t stop feeling physically sick because I know he doesn’t love me. I think it’s because I can’t move on, and I know he has. The thought of being with anyone else makes me feel sick but he can do it no problem. In a way, I guess I’m jealous that he can do it and I can’t. I know he’ll always be in my life because of our son but I just can’t get my head around that we aren’t going to be together. I got through it before, especially when I was pregnant because we hadn’t spoken for so long but now he’s back in our lives it’s so hard and I would never ever cut him out. It just makes me so sad and makes me feel so down. That sounds pathetic as an adult to say I feel so horrible about a man but I feel like that. During the day it’s not bad because I have my son to focus on but when
Sorry posted to soon!
**my sons asleep or at night, I just feel like I want to cry for hours and I get a horrible feeling in my stomach. I’ve never suffered with depression really, but I do have crippling anxiety which sucks.
I just wondered if it’s normal to feel like this? Or if there is anything I can do to stop feeling like and feel OK with the whole new girlfriend prospect? I feel like such a terrible Mam for feeling like this and I feel like a terrible person for even getting so hurt over it. I’m an adult and I shouldn’t be worried about it but obviously it’s hard to chuck a childhood sweetheart, especially your sons father.
This has been very ranty and long, I’m sorry!
Thank you! X
That sounds tough. Break ups are always hard, but it's much harder to stay friends with an ex you still have feelings for. I wasted years on someone trying to be just a friend whilst hoping for something more and it didn't end well. I think that your ex needs to realise it's not fair to expect you to be just friends. Maybe you need to restrict seeing him to pick up and drop off of you son for now.
Stop being his friend he used you for sex and dumped you when he moved on just restrict everything to child related if he talks about his new relationship ask him not to it's still too raw for you right now
And stop subsidising him he has someone for that now
Don't be afraid to tell him he hurt you and you need to put in boundaries now because of this
That is all so hard. You will feel better - I had a crappy break up and we went back and forth for a while which made it even harder. And of course you have a child together so you can't just walk away.
I would tell him you don't want to hear about his relationship with someone else and try and get out with your friends when he's around to see your child. Good luck
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.