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Pregnant with anxiety, depression & intrusive thoughts

(8 Posts)
nousername123 Thu 12-Oct-17 18:26:28

I just need to get things off of my chest really and I’m scared to talk to anyone. I’ve spoken to my partner but only skimmed the surface, he doesn’t see me cry or get upset I’m a very private person. I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m in my second trimester of pregnancy. Thankfully, the baby seems normal and healthy and I’m already in love with my little one. To me, this baby is everything. This is just a rant so I do apologise. When I was 19, I got pregnant by a married man (I was told he was separated) I’m not excusing my behaviour but it happened, he was awful and very unsupportive, I lived with my parents and I honestly was too young to cope. I had a few problems with bleeding and they said there could be a problem with the baby so cutting a long story short, I had an abortion. I was on my own, the only person that knows what really happened is the married man. It was a very difficult decision and one I’ve regretted every day for the rest of my life and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t hate myself for what I’ve done. What’s worse is I work with my mum and obviously live at home, I had to have a week off sick because of the affects of the abortion. So I eventually told my mum I had been pregnant and that it wasn’t meant to be. She is totally against abortion so I didn’t elaborate on details. I let her assume I had a miscarriage so to this day, that is what she believes happened.
So fast forward to today, My fiancé is lovely, perfect really, treats me like a queen, and I have everything to be happy about. we just belong together and we both know it.
So I’ve moved in with him obviously and am pregnant which I’m very happy about. I’ve always struggled silently with mental health and was only on medication for a short while as I was ashamed. I literally didn’t tell a soul and I just try my best to get on with it, breaking down when no one is around.
Since I’ve been pregnant, it’s been a lot worse, to the extent that I’m no longer able to hide it and have frequent panic attacks even at work, so although people know, they don’t know the extent. I’m also having horrible thoughts all the time of death. Mostly suicidal thoughts and thinking of different ways to do it. I can’t sleep, every time I close my eyes i have a nightmare of killing myself or someone else. Please understand that I don’t want to die, I have a lot to be thankful for and I love my family and my fiancé and unborn baby very much. We are realising financial difficulty in the near future as we have a lot of outgoings that we can’t cut down so have turned to the council for help, hoping they can provide us with accommodation. Well I found out today that they can’t, we earn too much apparently, however whilst on maternity leave we will literally have £33 a month to live off of. Which is obviously impossible. My partner saw me break down for the first time. I haven’t told him about my intrusive thoughts. I know most people will think “get help, get counselling etc” which I would if I wasn’t pregnant but I’m worried that when my baby is born they will take my baby away from me and label me insane or something. I haven’t had any thoughts of hurting my baby thankfully but obviously after the baby is born, I will most likely have post natal depression, I’m scared of my own mind and I’m scared of going mad. My partner is taking 2 weeks off when the baby is born and I’ve told him he can’t leave me alone with the baby, he thinks it’s because it’s my first child and I’m worried I won’t know what to do (he has 4 from a previous marriage) but it’s honestly because I’m scared of hurting my baby, the thought of that makes me feel sick and I hate myself. I love my unborn child, please realise I’m not crazy. I’ve seen a doctor and said that I think I need to be on medication and they’ve said not whilst pregnant. They don’t know the extent of it because like I said earlier I’m worried that they’ll label me insane and take my baby and I just can’t even cope with that idea. I’m not really asking for someone to solve my problems but any comments are welcome I just really needed to get it off of my chest, I’m sorry for the rant!x

nousername123 Thu 12-Oct-17 18:31:19

What’s worse, is I’ve always been the hard working, realistic one. I keep myself together and I help my family and friends. from the outside people probably think I’m fine. I literally am the person you would least expect to have these thoughts and feelings and I know they’re irrational but I just can’t help it x

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly Thu 12-Oct-17 19:20:04

You are not crazy, you just need a bit of help. Anxiety in a cunt but you can get through it. I had Post natal OCD and intrusive thoughts and the GP and MWs have heard it all before 1000 times I promise. PLEASE speak to them about it. You will not always feel like this but for the sake of yourself and yr baby ask for some help.

Rockandrollwithit Thu 12-Oct-17 19:25:57

No one will take your baby from you. After my first child I had post natal depression and intrusive thoughts about harming myself and my baby. It wasn't until I was honest with the GP that I was able to get the help I needed. At no point were social services etc even mentioned.

Your hospital will have a perinatal mental health team, please speak to your midwife and ask to see them. I found them really helpful during my second pregnancy.

nousername123 Thu 12-Oct-17 19:29:35

Thank you, I have a midwife appointment next Wednesday that I’m gonna go on my own to. I will talk to her about it then, I just don’t want to break down in front of anyone, just get so ashamed!

PhoenixMama Fri 13-Oct-17 11:11:36

Please please please talk to someone - don't wait till next wednesday, call them and tell them now.

The intrusive thoughts when you close your eyes are part of psychosis - it sounds like you have antinatal depression and psychosis. It's like pnd but before the baby is due. You are pretty much describing my experience with PND and PNP. If you don't get treated it will get much much worse.

Don't be ashamed. It is often people that have to be strong and determined and work hard that get these things because things are out of our control. You have done nothing wrong - the hormones of the pregnancy are affecting the chemicals in your brain. Imagine it like a heart attack in your brain - if your partner had a heart attack would you want him to pretend everything was ok or would you want him to tell you and get help?

Naomi2007 Tue 24-Oct-17 17:32:17

Hi @nousername123 didn't want to read and run but just felt like I could relate so much in some ways. Anxiety is vile in pregnancy I mean it's vile at the best of times but I found pregnancy especially draining. I felt the same as you in that I was so scared that if I mentioned I was struggling to my midwife or gp they would tell social services and my baby would be taken off me so I plodded along for 9 months hating every second of my pregnancy and wishing the baby was here so hopefully my mind would stop working in overdrive. It didn't. I don't have a lot of great advice because now I'm just seeking help and my baby is 7 months old but I know that next time I will not hesitate to tell my midwife because they all just really want to support you nobody judges. And please after you have the baby talk to your health visitor they are lovely are really are there to look after you and make sure you are ok.

Dark04 Tue 24-Oct-17 20:00:45

Hiya,
I would agree with the others it's OCD. I suffered from postnatal OCD, I also had Intusive thoughts it all stems from anxiety, It's NOT psychosis that's a completely different kettle of fish.
Speak to your GP and Midwife they will be able to help and they won't judge you because they have heard it a million times before.

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