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EditionMama Wed 11-Oct-17 12:05:57

Hi everyone,
Sorry if this is long, I will try very hard to keep it short.

I fell pregnant with twins, planned pregnancy, all was fine until we found out one twin was poorly and passed away in the early stages of my third trimester. I went into labour a week later, and gave birth to my stillborn (DC1) and premature baby (DC2).

Me and DH had the week before to grieve, and decided to put it to one side to care for DC2. When DC2 was discharged from hospital I felt on top of the world. Motherhood started, and I was happy.

When DC2 turned a year old, something happened with a family member. It’s really outing so won’t say what happened, but it disrespected my DC1, and it was enough for me to disown this person and we’ve not had contact since (2 years now).

I’ve now just had DC3, who is amazing and in a bitter sweet way my family now feels complete. I’m totally in love with all my DC.

Now my issue.. I believe when this event happened with the family member, I went into depression. I started to suffer with anxiety, and had CBT to help that. It worked, and although the anxiety hasn’t gone completely, it’s 99% better. Depression was always in the back of my mind, but I didn’t want to believe it, I just got on with life.

I should maybe add that during that time (just before) I was told I had anxiety and needed CBT I had a complete break down. I cried to DH every evening for a week about how I don’t feel normal, I’m scared and I feel like I need to be sectioned sad. DH didn’t ignore he took me to the gp. Of course after my first few sessions of CBT I felt better, otherwise I would have taken myself to hospital.

Now looking back at photos from when DC2 was discharged, I looked extremely happy. Going through the time line of photos up until now, I’ve noticed I looked less and less happy with each photo. It’s made me think that the loss of DC1 effected me more than I originally thought, and the issue that happened with the family member set it off. I don’t believe I was depressed before the issue.

I will be seeing my GP in 2 weeks, and plan to have a serious talk about it. In the mean time I would really appreciate hearing about how you found out you were depressed? What clicked? What was your next step? How did medication affect you? Anything I should know to expect?

I’m scared in all honesty. It seems a big step for me to accept that it’s possible I am depressed, and I need a hand hold. I’m worried that medication will make me feel worse, with symptoms I don’t currently have such as thoughts of harming etc.

I want my DC to have happy fond memories of their family together, with their mummy smiling and joining in.. rather than sitting back watching looking miserable.

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for any replies.

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