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Do you ever wish you were dying?

(21 Posts)
namechange255 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:24:07

Obviously we are all dying. But, do you ever wish you were soon to die? I have been suicidal this year, I wouldn't say I am currently, but I do sometimes get a feeling that I would rather be terminally ill. I suppose I wish that death was soon, but not at my own hands. I used to wish that my DH would crash the car with me in it (I don't drive and I worry what I'd do if I did). As I say, I am not suicidal, I wouldn't hurt myself, but I almost wish it would be taken out of my hands.

And I absolutely don't mean any disrespect to anyone who is terminally ill. Please don't take any offence on that basis. I'm not being dismissive. I just wish I wasn't here. I'm just a coward and couldn't do that myself.

SleepFreeZone Sun 08-Oct-17 00:36:58

I often wish I could die instead of someone else. Often the stories I read in the press are so tragic as the person affected is so often incredibly beautiful and talented and has so much ahead of them. I think why the hell did they get ill and not me?

Haggisfish Sun 08-Oct-17 00:41:36

I suspect it would be one of those situations which, were you to find yourself sctiallybtreminally ill, you would feel a tit because you'd realise you didn't actually want to die. I'm not saying that to belittle you or make you feel worse. I used to often think I was dying. Have you considered volunteering at a hospice or something to actually expose you to people with limited time left?

namechange255 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:45:56

I know haggis. And it is a very fleeting thought. A thought in desperation. Because I just can't cope with what I'm facing. Sometimes it scares me because I worry that I'll act on the fleeting thought. Although I have DCs and that's the reason I want something awful to happen, rather than me doing it myself.

namechange255 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:47:37

As in, I don't want them to experience anything awful, but if it were to happen then I would want it to be something out of my control. I sound like a massive dick.

Haggisfish Sun 08-Oct-17 13:54:46

You don't. I've been in a similar situation. I take very low dose duloxetine for my anxiety and intrusive thoughts and it has honestly been like a wonder drug. I'm the least anxious I've ever been.

Allyhoo Mon 09-Oct-17 12:16:42

I completely understand this. I often get the thoughts of ‘what if I had a serious illness then I’d actually be able to see who cared about me’. Of course that’s the last thing I’d want as I have 2 amazing babies and my OH who love me.

Woollycardi Mon 09-Oct-17 16:17:48

Yep, I get this too and I realised this year for me (not saying it's the same for you) that it's very much connected to suicidal thoughts for me. It's kind of my suicidal thoughts wrapped up in a more palatable package that doesn't alarm me so much. Since I have been feeling a bit better I have stopped having the thoughts and the idea of being terminally ill no longer appeals. I hope that you can find a way to sort out why you are feeling like this. Your life is really important.

LilyRose22 Mon 09-Oct-17 16:23:23

I feel like this. Suicide would hurt so many people... but if I was killed in an accident or had a terminal illness then some people may be sad but wouldn't blame me.
Feel so guilty for feeling this way when there are so many people who are very ill but very much want to be alive.

mrsbounceisflat Mon 09-Oct-17 19:53:52

I thought only I felt like this, I feel upset when people die because it should be me. There are so many people who want to live and I don't. My family are the only ones that keep me going.

zozozoo Sat 21-Oct-17 19:24:36

Me too. I wish the end were in sight im tired and feel I've done all I can

AuntyElle Sat 21-Oct-17 19:34:08

Desperately.

And Haggis, I've been with someone during the last weeks of their life, including in hospice. I would be terrified of pain, but not the rest.

Santawontbelong Sat 21-Oct-17 19:36:18

It was wrongly suggested I had a heart condition that meant reduced life span. .
When faced with the prospect of leaving your dc any earlier than you absolutely have to it changes your perspective on wallowing in your mh issues. Seek professional help if you can. .

AuntyElle Sat 21-Oct-17 19:38:21

zozozoo flowers for you x x

AuntyElle Sat 21-Oct-17 19:40:22

Santa "Wallowing"?
Do you really think this is the right thread to get judgemental and display your ignorance?

Santawontbelong Sat 21-Oct-17 20:01:49

I lived with a dh who had mh issues. . People who take meds have their illness addressed. . Imo others wallow.

AuntyElle Sat 21-Oct-17 20:15:08

That is offensively simplistic, Santa.
I am on two psychoactive medications, I have previously been on a range of others. I've engaged with various other therapies. And yet here I am on this thread.
Your opinion is worthless. But more importantly it may be actively harmful to some reading this thread.

namechange255 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:40:12

I've only just come back to this thread.

I am on medication. I have and am engaging in therapy. And I don't feel the way I felt when I wrote this ALL the time. But sometimes I do. And at those times, I could either act impulsively and hurt myself, I could speak to a friend or family member about it but then knowing that they will be watching me like a hawk in the following days, even though the thought might be very fleeting, or I could go on to an online "support" forum, post in the Mental Health section with a title which is quite obvious what it's about so if anyone wants to avoid clicking on it they can. Sometimes it's nice just not to feel alone. And sometimes, "wallowing" for a few minutes is better than not expressing the feelings and letting them fester internally instead.

CitrusSun Thu 09-Nov-17 20:47:29

“wallowing” - just fuck off

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo Thu 09-Nov-17 20:59:26

I have incurable cancer. I'm not dying right now, but unless they develop new treatments then it's only a matter of time.

It's a shame that your brush with serious illness didn't help you to have more compassion Santa.

Personally I've always been very grateful that my illness is physical rather than mental. A couple of family members suffer from depression and it is just horrific.

I don't think you are wallowing at all. Wallowing implies that it is somehow self indulgent. I imagine you'd switch off these thoughts if you could. You sound genuinely concerned by them. But it's not that simple. I am really sorry you feel this way. I don't have any useful suggestions. But please keep talking if it helps you even the tiniest bit flowers

NolongerAnxiousCarer Thu 09-Nov-17 21:49:43

I've been where you are too OP, about 15 years ago I would pray every night not to wake up. Looking back I now think I was more unwell at that time than I was when I was actively suicidal, because I didn't even have the motivation to do anything about it. The good news is that it can get better. I am now in a good place with a happy life. Keep going with the treatment, things are tough now, but this will pass.

santa mental illness is life threatening with suicide one of the leading causes of death in under 50s, it needs to be taken seriously as an illness. My husband also suffers from a serious mental illness with an average 20 year reduction in expected lifespan. I had a cancer scare earlier this year and to be honest it hardly registered besides what we have faced in our colective mental illnesses over the years.

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