I feel scared.

[Herja]

I think I need to go to the doctor. I feel very scared about this. I'm worried about what happens next, worried about potentially being medicated. Worried about loosing the good sides of me.

I think I may have either bi polar 2 or borderline personality disorder. Fuck it, possibly even both. I'm struggling with life a lot at the moment. I have been self harming again for the past year, it's getting noticeably worse now. I had an affair of fairly spectacular proportions. I have had several bouts of extreme spending. I currently have frequent suicidal thoughts. Occasional hallucinations. Delusions. I recently became convinced stbexh was trying to drive me mad to gain custody of the children. My social anxiety has become worse and I can't always hide it anymore. I feel a bit of a mess.

So, I feel I need to do something about this. Well, sometimes I do. Right now I do. Other times, it feels like it's all ridiculous and there can't be a problem. Not me. There's nothing wrong at all.

Yesterday, for a few hours, I felt so high it was like being on coke. Today I feel incredibly low. I'm not always able to cope with the kids anymore.

But I feel so scared.

[Herja]

This has been he case for years, but not to his degree. I could cope with it before, I'm not sure if can now.

[SquidgeyMidgey]

Herja please go to your doctor asap, you won't lose the good side of you on medication, you will lose the things that trouble you. Do you have family or good friends nearby to help in the meantime?

[Herja]

And I'm terrified of gaining weight. I go in to a binge/starve cycle easily. I I always am to a degree. Medication causing weight gain really worries me. I think I'd prefer to stay as I am than put on weight.

[Wolfiefan]

Really your long term mental health is worth much more than a potential short term weight gain. You must seek RL help. You really must.

[Herja]

Not really. One is my ex sil. So that doesn't really work now. One knows, but is having a hard time at the moment and also is 500 miles away. My family are difficult sometimes, my mum loves me but isn't the most helpful or rational of people. My grandparents are very religible and disapproving of my current situation. And who could blame them. They rather prefer stbexh to me.

[TiesThatBindMe]

Can I ask about the delusions and hallucinations? I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder too but am stable at the moment. You might need expert psychiatric involvement if you have bi-polar thrown in to the mix.

[Herja]

I do understand that Wolfiefan, but weight gain is one of her hints which makes me suicidal. Also, if I gain weight, I start purging.

[TiesThatBindMe]

I'm also anxious about any weight gain.

[TiesThatBindMe]

Can't help you with the fear of weight gain as I suffer similarly. It's all a load of shite. Psychiatric services may manage to help you while you manage to maintain your current weight.

[wavinggoodbyetothewinewitch]

I have Bipolar II and borderline personality disorder traits (called emotionally unstable personality disorder now). My symptoms are very similar to yours. Do you get long bouts of depression as well? That's an important marker for Bipolar II.

The good news is that's it manageable. I went to my GP during a particularly bad and lengthy 'high' involving self harm and was referred urgently to a psychiatrist. I did a relatively short stint as an inpatient and am now under the care of a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I have private medical insurance which did help me to get the care I needed. I think the NHS care is ok, it's just a lot slower.

The meds these days are excellent - they've reduced my impulsive behaviour immensely and I've had no side effects bar some tiredness and weight gain.

I like the 'new' medicated me much more that the 'old' me. The highs are fun while the last but dealing with the fall out really isn't...

[wavinggoodbyetothewinewitch]

Sorry, cross posted about the weight gain. It really is relatively minor and your mental health is so much more important.

[Herja]

The delusions/hallucinations are less frequent. As I say, I became utterly convinced that stbexh was trying to drive me mad to get custody. I spent a night watching a Griffin on the neighbours roof a month or so ago. At the start of the year I thought I was trapped in a hallucination of my life, but it wasn't really me or mine iyswim? A couple of years ago, I hough toddler DS was possessed for a few weeks. Only when he was asleep though, rationally I knew his eyes were closed, but I could see them open, staring and a glowing yellow. For years things have moved slightly. If I feel low, walls often start to sway a little in the background. If I'm a bit tired shapes appear; a wooden cupboard had a small deer taking shape from it. The smaller ones I can snap myself back out of though. After reading one of the spooky story threads on here, I became honestly terrified of slendermen. Convinced that one would appear outside the kitchen window. That still persists sometimes, but not the sweating, shaking fear anymore.

The friend I mentioned, who lives a long way away. For quite a while I hough he hated me, that our friendship was a sort of odd set up to knock me down at some point. He talked me out of it, but is having to calm me back down about it every few weeks at the moment. I couldn't check on my son at night for a while because I thought there would be a doppelganger of him in his bedroom.

No voices though. So that's good.

[TiesThatBindMe]

Ok, so it sounds like there is a bit of psychosis going on? I would prefer putting on a stone to the hell of psychosis personally. Are you under the Home Treatment Team?

[Herja]

I really, really can't do weight gain. I know it seems absurd in the bigger picture, but I know exactly what I would do if I gained weight. If I do, I go down to 500 calories or less on a long term basis until it's gone. Combined with occasional vomiting or lax actives. It makes life very difficult. I find it harder to function like that than like this.

[Herja]

Bah. Laxatives.

[TiesThatBindMe]

Not all meds cause weight gain.

[Herja]

I've never mentioned it to anyone. STBEH, doesn't know. Family don't know most of it. Afore mentioned friend does, that's it. I've never told any professionals. I once asked for help with self harm a decade ago, it never materialised and I felt too disheartened to chase it.

That's why I feel so scared of it really.

[OhForCodsHake]

If it helps, I had an episode of psychosis and the medication they gave me didn’t cause any weight gain at all. I took aripiprazole.

[Herja]

That does help Ohfor.

[ThatHippyDippyShit]

It sounds like you have some major issues with weight gain too OP. Please mention this to your GP as it doesn't sound very healthy.

[Herja]

I'm a stable and healthy weight. I do have disordered eating patterns, but they're very managable. I just can't put weight on. I did when pregnant, loosing it made me awful. I can't ever do it again.

[ThatHippyDippyShit]

Impulsive behaviours surrounding food can be a symptom of BPD. Hopefully once a diagnosis has been made, steps can be taken to help you cope better.

[ThatHippyDippyShit]

I hope you get the help you need

[Ermm]

Hi Herja - I really recommend seeking medical advice. The thoughts around the weight loss would be part of the whole "thing" more likely than not and could be dealt with at the same time.

I also recommend seeking out bipolar support groups in your area and/or online.

These really are difficult things that your brain is doing which TBH is sounds like you are doing a really good job at coping with - but there is help. And don't feel shy at all about demanding help that works and saying if you don't think what is being proposed is the right thing.

I really do wish you all the best.

[PeachPlumPears]

I have Bipolar ll and started medication a few months ago. I opted for one that doesn't affect weight. You can talk about you concerns with a psychiatrist and they will give you info about which ones don't cause weight gain.