What do you do when you have nothing?

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I've had threads here before. I've NC'ed to post this because I'm paranoid.

I know there are things that I'm not allowed to post on MN, so I'm trying to temper my language which is kinda difficult at the minute. Maybe this isn't the best place to be posting. I don't have anywhere else I can say anything though; the Samaritans take hours to reply if you email them.

I've had severe anxiety for years; I can't go outside or use the phone. I don't see people, literally, any people. I have absolutely nothing in my life. I do have family (no children, so please don't worry on that score) but we don't talk much anymore. I'm a pretty toxic person so I've tried to separate our lives.

I'm not really a person anymore. I go through the motions every day and it's all so incredibly futile.

What are you supposed to do when you've realised that there is literally no point in you being alive?

[MakemineaGandT]

Why not try to do something useful for someone else? It'll help your self esteem at the same time: win-win.
I'm no expert, and it sounds as though you've a lot on your plate, but don't give up on yourself. Best thing you could do now is go to sleep and start again tomorrow. Do small things and the rest will follow. So, up, dressed, healthy breakfast, get some fresh air, and do something useful even if it's just putting a load of washing on. Small steps....

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

Thank you.

The small steps mantra is something I live by; I set five things a day that I have to complete. Stuff like, laundry, dishes, showering. Nothing of any real consequence, really.

I would love to help other people, but I don't really know how to achieve that. I'm toxic and I'm scared of infecting other people with people with that. I don't see anyone day to day either.

Thank you so much for replying to me

[DancingLedge]

Well Horrible you are a person.
You're a person I wish well, even though we will never meet.
Life can be crap sometimes. But capable of transforming surprisingly quickly.
Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine. And even though most of it remains crap, maybe, just maybe, the sunshine will illuminate a moment of beauty. A colourful Autumn leaf. Or something.

Here's the thing. I've never met you. But I care how you're doing, and wish you well.

[DancingLedge]

Trust me, you're not toxic.
You are a child of the universe, no less.

[DancingLedge]

Keep returning here. Please.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

DancingLedge, that's so kind, thank you so much.

I wish so much that I could transform myself. My life has been much of the same for the last 13 years. I've lost hope that anything is going to get better at this point, if I'm honest.

I feel like I've tried so many things; graded exposure, therapy, medication (which I'm still on, incidentally). And there just isn't anything else. I've run the gambit. I've exhausted the resources.

I am an anomaly that doesn't fit into the system because I'm not a worthy person. Things that work for actual people don't work for me because I'm not a person.

[xqwertyx]

OP can you name one thing, no matter how big or small, that you enjoy doing, or that you want in life?

[xqwertyx]

I mean material things... rather than “to change yourself or be a different person”

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

Honestly, right now, there isn't anything. I do things because they need to be done. I don't care about anything.

The only things that I want are because they're societal expectations; so getting a job and living a life that isn't confined to a room.

Nothing really touches me anymore. That's a bit of a ridiculous thing to say when there are daily atrocities happening in the world, but nothing really affects me. I don't want anything anymore.

Thank you for replying to me .

[DancingLedge]

Okay . Will you do one thing for me?
Tomorrow, look out of your room, and tell me, describe to me , one thing that is notable.
Whatever it is .
Please.
Thanks, I am.

[DancingLedge]

And, in return, I will tell you one thing I get " right" tomorrow. Cause I need to notice one thing too.

[tygr]

I very much doubt that you’re horrible or toxic. Your posts don’t sound like you are. You do sound very hard on yourself and depressed.

I know you said that you can’t use the phone but the Samaritans are good if you call them. 116123 freephone.

Talking to other people who aren’t judgmental will help you to get some outside perspective that you aren’t the horrible person you currently think you are.

Things can get better. What really matters to you? How can you do more of what matters to you and find some meaning and purpose to life again?

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I can do that. I don't think there's anything desperately exciting outside my window, but nature is pretty remarkable in it's own right.

As for things you get right, you're already doing them. Trying to help someone else when you're clearly not feeling okay yourself is a big thing. I hope you're doing alright, please take care of yourself

[DancingLedge]

Thanks Iam
Really appreciate that

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

tygr I think we cross-posted, I'm sorry. I just refreshed this page and saw your post.

I can't call the Samaritans; I have telephobia and using the phone = a panic attack. It's utterly ridiculous, I know.

Right now, nothing really matters to me. If I had the option of just not waking up in the morning, I'd take it. I don't really have anything that I care about.

[xqwertyx]

Have you exhausted all medication? I am by far no expect on any of this but i have felt like you only luckily for me it was a shorter time and i was able to get out. It seems like you have to start out with TINY things. And it seems like you are going to have to force yourself and fight against yourself to do the opposite if what you currently want to do or feel safe doing which is staying in and being on your own. Do you have any pets? Or do you like them? If you live near me i would happily visit you too if youd like that, i just moved to a new place and have no friends or family either!!

[tygr]

I have a telephone phobia too and in the past I’ve called several times and either totally clammed up or hung up without talking but I can do it now and find them a huge source of support. It helps me but I understand it might not be right for you.