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Have had enough can't see way out

(58 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

SmileAndNod Mon 02-Oct-17 16:15:42

Posted last week. Just has a phone call and the owner is 'toying' with the idea of selling the house (thatc we rent( or putting another bedroom or two in the attic space to sell once value improves
Were here till Feb but someone coming to do first valuatuion on fri abd could be on market in Nov. They'll shoe people round while we're out at work.

We're all so upset and have no bloody clue how to find somewhere else in time that will take a family and a dog.

I know we were si lucky in finding here

Children are upset add they are settled and I can't fix it. IM a shit parent who can't even provide a roof over their head

I want to end it. I've been battling depression and anxiety and I've fucked yup my life so massively and I'm letting my children down so badly. We'll be homeless in a couple of months.
No idea what to do next

Josiah Mon 02-Oct-17 16:19:06

First off you refuse house viewings saying they will spoil your quiet enjoyment of the property.

Put it in writing. They can now people around when you've moved out.

SmileAndNod Mon 02-Oct-17 16:26:12

Apparently they only have to give us 24 hours notice though. I don't want to be awkward so no one will ever take us again

We pay 1100 in rent but we'd never get a mortgage as to old 45

Josiah Mon 02-Oct-17 16:30:38

No they don't.

Legally you can refuse viewings but you must quote that it will spoil your quiet enjoyment.

Woolycardi Mon 02-Oct-17 16:35:50

It doesn't sound to me like you have fucked anything up, from what you have written. You have a difficult situation there, and it may be rocky for a while, but you can do this, you can get through, just take one step at a time. I am no stranger to the depression and anxiety mind fuck, but put them to one side for now, and tell yourself you can cope with this, you will survive.
Take care.

SmileAndNod Mon 02-Oct-17 16:49:43

I have fucked it up - I'm to old and don't earn enough to get a mortgage

Have children downstairs who I can't even look at cos I'm about to shatter their little world's
They deserve more than me. They deserve a roof over their head for a start. I'm ashamed

Hidingtonothing Mon 02-Oct-17 16:52:07

I know it's hard when you're feeling the way you are but knowledge really is power in these circumstances. Start researching your rights, I'm not saying you will be able to stop the LL doing whatever they decide with the property in the end but you can certainly buy yourself some time if you insist on things being done by the book. Shelter are brilliant for this type of advice, it can be difficult to get through but keep trying

You're not a shit parent, the housing situation these days is putting lots of people in exactly this position, it's not your fault. And it can be sorted, it won't be instant and you might need some help but it can be sorted. If you can just manage to take one small step at a time it might stop you feeling so (understandably) overwhelmed by it all and things might feel more hopeful.

Ring Shelter and see what they advise is the first step, if the LL contacts you again in the meantime just say you're getting some independent advice before you agree to anything such as viewings etc. I doubt it's that helpful but am sending you a hug, depression is utterly shit and having to deal with stuff like this when you're already feeling rubbish is really, really hard. Keep talking to us if it helps flowers

averylongtimeago Mon 02-Oct-17 17:01:05

It is shit, but it's not your fault.
I repeat, you are not a shit parent.

It's the fault of successive governments fucking up the economy and not doing anything about the housing crisis, and unless you are Mrs Thatcher, that's not you.

Follow the advice above about Shelter, give your kids a cuddle, and start looking.

SmileAndNod Mon 02-Oct-17 17:01:12

Even using help to buy, buying is out of the question as even 3x salary would leave a huge shor fall.

So will have to do this shit forever. Just nothing available at the minute. Estate agent was all like 'don't worry' in one breath and 'at least you'll have Xmas there with your children' in the next.

Our savings were wiped out last time we moved. Rent is si expensive there is no extra at end of month to save

Wish I hadn't started feeling settled here

SmileAndNod Mon 02-Oct-17 17:05:16

I can't see a way out or way through. Life has been so hard the lat few years I can't go on anymore. I just cant. And I don't know where I turn to.
I'm messing up my kids and they'd be better off if I wasn't here

SmileAndNod Mon 02-Oct-17 17:19:23

How am I supposed to carry on as usual.

Just how

Hidingtonothing Mon 02-Oct-17 17:21:28

Cross posted with you OP, I get how you're feeling, I honestly do. That feeling that you've fucked/are fucking everything up and letting your DC down is horrendous. My DD lost her home because of choices I made, we weren't made homeless but there was a lot of upset and upheaval and I was sure she'd be permanently damaged. We've been through a lot as a family and I've realised now that it's people that matter, not places or things. Your DC need ^you^, not that particular house and they will adjust quicker than you (or they) think as long as they have you. Having to move is not letting them down, not showing them how to be strong and deal with the shit life throws at us would be. You can do this because you have to, for them flowers

listsandbudgets Mon 02-Oct-17 17:22:58

Right first of all you are NOT a shit mum... if you were your first thought wouldn't have been your kids. Look at it this way - if there was a crash on the road, the traffic was at a stand still and your kids were as a result late for school... would you think "I'm a shit mum" ... no you'd think damn that was outside my control .... and so's this.

That said you have rights so you do have some control over what happens next. He can't just chuck you out and as PPs have said you do have a right to quiet enjoyment of your home. You can agree to negotiate times but they can't just let themselves in willy-nilly.

You can start talking to estate agents now to find out what's available for rent- start with the current letting agent as they know that youre capable of paying the rent and may be able to keep an eye out for you.

Your landlord can not just tell you to leave. He has to follow a legal procedure and that will take some time to deal with. Shelter will be able to give you lots of advice about this - I am not going to as its some years since I've dealt with this side of things and my knowledge may well be out of date.

Try not to panic - you've got some time to sort this out and your DC's have got an ace mum - keep telling yoruself its going to be ok and it will be... it really will be

hidinginthenightgarden Mon 02-Oct-17 17:36:46

I have no advice but I share your feelings of inadequacy.
The cost of living is so high that we can barely afford to keep afloat. This month we may sink. Fingers crossed it works out for.

Hidingtonothing Mon 02-Oct-17 17:40:18

Can I ask a bit more about your situation OP? Do you have any support, partner or family/friends? Are you being treated for your depression/anxiety and have you seen your doc/CPN recently? Are there any options other than private rent, what's the social housing situation like in your area? I thought it was pretty stretched in my area but we got a HA property really quickly, worth looking into as it does provide more security than private and sometimes your situation and a property being available coincide and you drop lucky, that's basically what happened to us.

I know you feel utterly hopeless right now and people bouncing suggestions around probably feels futile but someone might hit on something you haven't thought of and provide that glimmer of light you need to carry on. Stick with us, you're not alone flowers

LuckLuckLUCK Mon 02-Oct-17 17:42:23

If you are thinking of killing yourself it might be a good idea to call the Samaritans. Their phone number is 116 123.

SmileAndNod Mon 02-Oct-17 17:57:20

I am pretty sure that even if you are homeless here You can afford to private rent (which we've been doing) then that's what they expect you to do

Hate it that we can afford to pay the rent (and pay off someone else's mortgage) and yet banks won't lend to us.

Husband feels like giving up as well
In having counselling cbt for ptsd at the minute. I've not felt like this for a while though. This desperate needing to escape feeling.

Have no idea how im going to sleep tonight. Nor how in going to put in a day at work either

averylongtimeago Mon 02-Oct-17 18:03:20

When you feel you are at the bottom of a pit and you can't get out that feeling is dreadful and it stops you from seeing a way out.
Stay strong, your children need you. People matter, your family matters, things don't.
Don't give up, you can do this. It might not feel like it, but you can.

Your ll can't just kick you out, you do have rights. You do have some time. Use it.

One day at a time OP, one day at a time. Xxx

Woolycardi Mon 02-Oct-17 18:04:08

Ok, first things first, your kids need you here, alive. You and your partner. Losing a home will not wreck their lives, losing a parent to suicide will. Rationally, I believe you know that, but depression is at the driving seat now and it is a lying bitch.
That desperate need to escape feeling is awful, but you can survive it. You are more than that feeling. If you can't sleep tonight, if you can't work tomorrow, that's ok. The priority right now is to support yourself through this crisis, and if you can't do that alone you need to go, right now, to A and E.

MunchMunch Mon 02-Oct-17 18:13:47

I'm messing up my kids and they'd be better off if I wasn't here

Hold on! Think rationally here, how on earth could that statement possibly be true?!

Would the kids really truly be better off with a deceased parent and possibly stuck in the care system? I know you said you've got a dh but just imagine if you hurt yourself and couldn't live with them and your dh couldn't cope.

It's a shit situation but it's not of your making, if you were s shit parent you wouldn't care. There's been good advice given and I think you should now think practically with your head instead of emotionally with your heart.

Good luck op

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 02-Oct-17 18:22:10

Hello SmileAndNod,

We're really sorry that this news has left you feeling so bleak.

We can see that you're already getting some good advice here, but just want to add another link to the Shelter website - they have plenty of information on your rights as a private tenant, please do take a look.

We'd also like to point you in the direction of our Mental Health webguide. If you need support right now, you can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We're going to move this thread to our Mental Health section shortly.

We really hope you're okay. flowers

SmileAndNod Mon 02-Oct-17 19:15:44

children are in bits (as am I).
I know it comes with the territory and we have plenty of notice.
DH has made me eatalittl e bit of something. I want to drink but that will be a lippery slope.
icant fave being taken to court and evicted,
have emailed some agents and asked ot be put on their mailing list foar anything suitable.almost don't ewant to jump in case they decided NOT to sell but from the sounfs of it they have ddecided if they are rounf taking photos on Friday. don't want tobe left with no time to find somehting

Hidingtonothing Mon 02-Oct-17 19:35:30

I would double check the social housing criteria if you're not 100% sure OP, can't hurt. A chat with your GP wouldn't do any harm either, would you consider some meds short term, might balance out the extra stress and give you the strength to get through this.

I struggle to see the wood for the trees when I'm not well but try to focus on solving the immediate problems and steer yourself away from the more long term, big-picture stuff for now. This is a matter of digging yourself out of a hole for now and depression makes you feel like you're doing it with a teaspoon so you need all your energy for that, your long term situation and parenting worries are something for another time until you've sorted a new place.

Everything feels negative right now, that's what depression does, the trick is to let yourself be guided by rational advice rather than the way you feel. That way you can see things start to improve and challenge the negative thinking because you can see positive effects. I hope that makes sense, it's my way of dealing with depression but I thought it might help you.

SmileAndNod Mon 02-Oct-17 21:02:17

I have only been off meds since may. Was trying really hard and thought it was ok - until this.
Just taken a diazepam as could feel panic rising and couldn't stop it
Don't know how to sleep. My eyes hurt from crying.
Haven't found anywhere with pets allowed. If we had to regime the dog that would be final straw. Keeps me mostly sane. Not to mention the kids.
Life just gets worse and worse. I can't ever see a time when it will be ok

Hidingtonothing Mon 02-Oct-17 21:35:23

Being not long off meds plus a major life stress like the house situation can be a recipe for a relapse OP as I'm sure you know, no shame in needing to resume meds for a while, doesn't have to be forever. You can't see that things will ever get better because you're ill, I'm not saying you don't have a problem to solve with the house but it's a surmountable one, it's the illness making it seem otherwise.

You've made some really good practical progress today with emailing estate agents, go and see your GP next and discuss resuming your meds, see if you can get back on top of the depression a bit while you get everything sorted out. Everything else (and I know it's hard) just try to put on the back burner for now while you wait for responses from the agents and a definite decision from the LL about whether they're selling.

Could you work on trying to teach yourself to shut down the negative thoughts before they take hold? Acknowledge them, remind yourself it's the illness talking and consciously try to push them away? If you can see the GP you'll have taken all the action you possibly can for now, you've started the ball rolling with looking for a new place if it turns out to be necessary and taken steps to look after your health and that's enough for now.

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