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To think that you find out who your friends are

(79 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sat 23-Sep-17 21:58:30

I am a lone parent and have little support at the moment. I'm struggling and have been self harming and crying daily. I've withdrawn from social media and am clearly not my usual self. My mum lives 5 minutes away and has not called or texted at all. She doesn't offer to help with the dc ever. Most of my friends are not interested either. I have maybe 3 good friends who do ask how I am. When I was feeling really low last week it made it worse that my own mum isn't interested and that people I really thought were friends evidently are not.

KityGlitr Sat 23-Sep-17 22:03:33

What do you mean when you say people you thought were friends are evidently not? You mentioned some close friends who do ask after you and see how you are?

On one hand yes I agree when your chips are down you truly do find out who your friends are. But on the other I recognise everyone has busy lives and it's totally understandable if they don't notice something is off or can't prioritise you if they have other problems too. It's important to use your words and make it clear you're having a hard time and ask for help if you need it and not rely on people happening to check up on you or noticing you've disappeared online.

Flossy1978 Sat 23-Sep-17 22:08:16

Ask for help if you need it. It sounds bad, but our world is a busy place. People don't notice or have much to revolve around how you are, so you need to tell and ask for help.

Be happy three friends noticed and cared to ask. Most people don't have three friends who would do this. Really, it is a good number to have noticed.

As an adult you don't need lots of friends. You just need a couple or few who care. You have that. Focus on them.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sat 23-Sep-17 22:08:39

I have told my mum i need support. She says she's busy. She doesn't work. She goes to the gym everyday. I've had friends ask how I am and then just not reply for weeks. I've had friends just not contact me at all for months and their lack of communication makes me not want to speak to them about personal things. I have a few good friends. I just think you often have fewer friends than you realise and when you are low, you find out who really does care.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sat 23-Sep-17 22:11:25

I don't actually have anyone to assist with practical things though. I am struggling. If I died my mum would be the first to post about her devastation on facebook. Loads of pretendy friends would say how sorry they were. But who is bothered, really? Very few people.

IndianaMoleWoman Sat 23-Sep-17 22:14:50

When I had mental health problems, and made it clear on Facebook, I'd say about 20% of my "friends" on there unfriended me. Several people, some of whom I hadn't seen for years or didn't actually know very well (more acquaintances) really stepped up and helped.

Before it happened to me, I would've been the "unfriender". Now, I always private message, tell people I'm thinking about them and offer practical help if I'm able. I think it's really hard and quite scary to reach out to someone in trouble if you haven't been there yourself, so I'd try not to be too harsh on them and be thankful for the people who have helped.

Also OP, I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you feel better soon flowers

Wolfiefan Sat 23-Sep-17 22:15:57

People don't know what to do or say. They are wrapped up in their own lives. You need to seek RL professional help.

Timetogetup0630 Sat 23-Sep-17 22:16:37

Sorry you are having a tough time far. The self harming isn't good at all. Can you find a local support group for single parents ? Or a mental health support group.
Only people who have struggled themselves will really understand.

How old are your kids ?

MarciaBlaine Sat 23-Sep-17 22:17:14

I think you need to contact people even if it's hard. Everyone is busy usually. It's not that they don't care but they have their own stuff going down. If you were my friend, I would hope you would reach out to me if you were feeling shit. And I would come. If I KNEW you were having a hard time, I would try to check in with you often. If I didn't know I would be running round in the whirlwind of work and shite. People aren't necessarily psychic.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sat 23-Sep-17 22:18:48

I do need RL professional help yes. I will be very pleased when the gp is able to give me an appointment as I have tried several times to no avail.

Wolfiefan Sat 23-Sep-17 22:19:50

What do you mean you have tried several times?

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sat 23-Sep-17 22:21:56

The dc are 11, 9 and 7. The 11 year old is v challenging at home (not at school). I feel like I've failed her. I can't cope. I have contacted homestart. I think it's my mum that hurts the most and also another friend I had since school, who has completely disappeared.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sat 23-Sep-17 22:22:34

I mean I have rung my gp several times and cannot get an appointment

Wolfiefan Sat 23-Sep-17 22:29:51

Can you call first thing? Can you explain its urgent? Can you turn up when surgery opens? (Would that make a difference?)
You've failed nobody. Not at all. Quite often kids hold it together at school then can't at home.
It's not about you. It's about them. Lots of people disappeared from my life when I had depression. I hope home start can provide practical help.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sat 23-Sep-17 22:31:49

I'll try. I don't want to take time off work as that gives my structure and stability, but the nature of my job means i cannot ring the surgery between 8.30 and 9.30 when they give out appointments. Maybe I need to speak to my line manager.

MarklahMarklah Sat 23-Sep-17 22:33:03

I'm sorry to hear this Far - what you're saying is very similar to what a friend of mine is experiencing. Friend has no children, is single. No local family and what family exists is pretty estranged (and both parents long dead). Friend has a multitude of MH issues, is currently experiencing PTSD linked to something I cannot post about publicly, but has had no support in dealing with the issues that lead to this, nor with the likelihood of having to testify in court. Friend has been self-harming and had very recently had a near-psychotic episode.
Friend had posted on FB about struggling mentally, about why they were self-harming and the fact that their support for mental health and physical health problems were being 'sidelined' by their GP. They are public about having autism. One of their so called friends basically suggested they 'shut up moaning and get on with it, like other people have to'.

Far - my friend had to take some very drastic measures to get themselves back into the system. Again, I don't want to post about it her - it was not something that related to them putting themselves at risk. If you'd like to talk, please PM me. I can't guarantee I'll be online for much longer this evening, but I will respond to you.

Wolfiefan Sat 23-Sep-17 22:33:47

You need to. You really need to see your GP. You also need to stop the bloody bonkers thing that teachers do of putting other people's kids and bits of paper above their own health.
God knows I was guilty of this. I taught through my child being really ill (like might die), my own miscarriage and broken limb! Bloody bonkers.

Wolfiefan Sat 23-Sep-17 22:34:14

Structure and stability can come from things other than work.

feelinmightylow Sat 23-Sep-17 22:35:56

You are clearly very unstable. Please seek help. It's not good for your DC.
Focus less on 'real friends' and more on getting well so you can be a good parent.

2sCompany Sat 23-Sep-17 22:36:51

I've been where you are - I'm a single mum of 4 with a history of self harm, suicide attempts, mental health problems, abusive relationship.... you name it!

When I was at my lowest, the last thing I wanted to do was reach out for help. I wanted someone, anyone, to see that I needed it and offer it. But the automatic response to 'are you ok?' is 'yes I'm fine' because it is soooo hard to admit you need help, even when you really need it. It doesn't mean you don't have friends, it just means they don't realise how bad things are for you and that you need someone to help you regain control and point you in the right direction.

What I've come to realise is that I can only rely on myself and I have to be well for the sake of my children. My eldest has seen things she should never have seen and it's not fair. You have to push for an appointment with your Dr, they can't refuse you. It gave me a push to get myself better for them, not for me, for the children. I didn't care what happened to me, but I had to be better for them. And that's up to you, you can't rely on your mum or friends or anyone but you I'm afraid. But when you do get better, you can be so proud that you've done that yourself. You will find the kids easier to manage as well, I promise. My eldest and I were on the brink of killing each other but things have improved so much since I got help and worked on really improving myself, stopping the self harm and working on the mental health.

Please PM me if you need to talk. Honestly, I know exactly how you feel x

KarmaNoMore Sat 23-Sep-17 22:44:13

Faron,have you sought some help? Have you talked to your GP recently? Obviously things are getting difficult at home so, probably it is a matter of finding help to avoid them getting worse.

I'm also raising my child on my own and what I have noticed is that having to do all on your own means that you are often busy, can't go out, have little flexibility to meet with people and therefore you start falling off the radar.

It is not that they don't care, they are busy too and it is easy to assume you are ok and busy as well. If you want company and friends around you, you don't sit and wait for them to come to you, you become proactive about organising meeting them. They will be there for you in the good ones and the bad ones but do not forget that, unless they really have a vocation for lending an ear (some people do), there is just so much negativity people can take so yes, you should feel comfortable to put your heart out with a friend but you also need to bring some positives to their lives if you want them to stay around in the long term.

As for your mother... hmm.. I have noticed something with people who do not work: they hardly have time to do anything. It is not that they are that busy, it is just that they get overwhelmed with simple tasks, for example, I have a very good friend, she held my hand through some of the most difficult days of my life, I know she will be there if I need her (if I spell CLEARLY to her) but I cannot ask her for a coffee without at least 10 days notice because her Filofax (she carries one!) says "no", and it is for simple stupid things, she simply cannot manage picking up her husband shirts from the launders, dusting the floorboards and meeting for a coffee on the same day. So I would suggest that you spell to your mum exactly what kind of help you need and when you need it and take it from there.

Another thing I have noticed as a single mum is that EVERYONE offers to help, but most of the people are busy, not in the mood or distracted with other things when you call for the help you were offered. So it may be better no to expect anything and see any kind gestures as a bonus.

Take it easy on you, try to get some support and remember sometimes even crying help, things will look brighter the next day. Pay also attention to get enough rest, if you are tired, go to bed at the same time as your child, the more rested you are, the easier you will find it to cope with the next day

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sat 23-Sep-17 22:45:50

Feelinglow I'm very aware, very aware that this isn't good for my dc. I may not be stable, but I am lucid. I want to get help. Getting help and having friends are not mutually exclusive. Posting on here does not prevent me getting help either. There isn't much non emergency RL help I can access at 22.43 on a Saturday night. But chatting on here can make me realise I matter.
I don't need guilt tripping about my dc. I feel guilty enough every single day.
Yes that's true about teaching Wolfie. Any other job I'd have booked a morning off and sorted the docs. I have a repeat prescription of the anti depressants I was on a few months ago, so hopefully they will help. I've contacted homestart and I am going to try again with the gp.

2sCompany Sat 23-Sep-17 22:46:42

You are clearly very unstable

Nice - exactly what OP needs to hear right now, when clearly reaching out for help and advice. That won't make her feel worse at all ffs hmm

browneyes77 Sat 23-Sep-17 22:46:44

My Dr’s has an online service where you can register and then view available appointments online and select one. It’s the only way I seem to be able get an appointment these days! Trying to get through on the phone at 9am is impossible (I think 102 redials is my personal record).

Maybe see if your Dr’s has the same option and you can book appointments in advance then save you having to phone?

Sorry your going through this. Does your mom understand just how much you are struggling? Could you sit her down and explain exactly what’s been happening?

I know when you feel like nobody is here for you, you just feel like closing yourself off because you’re hurting. But please take the suggestion some have made on here and look at other areas of help you can possibly get. There may be other organisations out there that can give you support that your GP can recommend flowers

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sat 23-Sep-17 22:49:57

Thank you. I appreciate the advice.
My mum genuinely is self absorbed, so I could spell it out to her and she would still be busy.
For some reason the post about getting better so I can be a good parent upset me. I know it wasn't meant to. All my energy is on them at the moment. It's like once you are a parent you don't matter. Getting better for you, that's not enough.
I do think once I start feeling better then dd1 will be easier to manage as well.

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