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Mental health

Lacking in joy?

1 reply

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 28/07/2017 20:39

Looking back I had mild depression from the age of about 16, which reached crisis point in when I was about 25, when I was uncontrollably sobbing for no reason at random times.

A multitude of life things added to this - a pregnancy termination, a couple of miscarriages etc. My way of coping with low self esteem was to drink like a fish on a night out and shag anyone who showed an interest. That led to the failed pregnancies.

The first thing I noticed when started on antidepressants (at the time of the sobbing) was that I had no fear of anything, but also no more real laughter.

I came off the pills after a few attempts, and haven't needed them for a good 8 years. However, I have recently realised I'm joyless and have been since I started the tablets all those years ago. I don't laugh much anymore and before the ADs, I was always laughing even when I was crying.

Is this a growing up thing? I'm only 36. Is it a leftover from the depression? Some sort of long term personality change or damage? Why am I joyless?

I belly laughed for the first time in a good year the other day, which is what set me to thinking. I miss being that happy person.

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NolongerAnxiousCarer · 29/07/2017 13:06

My personal experience has been that depression made my joyless (I could still laugh and smile but did not feel joyfull) and that ADs gave me that joy back.

I can look back though and tell you the exact moment (prior to my first bought of depression ) when I last felt completely 'light' what I would describe as "carefree" I was 20 years old walking accross the fields to meet my then boyfriend. Then life got harder and depression set in. I think there was a kind of innocence in that carefree feeling that I think was lost to life experience. I've been very happy since then, but never quite got that "not a care in the world" feeling back. I do think thats an age thing. It's been replaced with a wiser person who realises that nothing last forever be thst joy or sadness, the tough times in life allow us to appreciate the good times more.

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