Scared it's returning

[Lovemusic33]

Last Christmas I had a break down after a stressful year (found out my partner was cheating which tipped me over the edge), reached rock bottom over the new year, ended up calling crisis team for help. Was on anti depressants for a few months but couldn't stand the side effects, eventually found things to keep me bust, started a new hobby and came off all meds, things improved a lot although sometimes I get a bad day when I feel numb or feel really sad for no real reason. I have bi polar tendencies but have never seemed a diagnosis, my manic behaviours include spending large amounts of money on things I don't need and then feeling awaful the next day for dong it.

The past month I have started struggling with sleep, I feel tired during the day, struggle to stay awake but I don't nap (usually keep myself busy with work or the dc's) but when I go to bed in the even No I am wide awake, when I finally do nod off I have vivid dreams which are exhausting, sometimes I don't get to sleep until 5am and then I'm up by 7-8am. Today I feel like a zombie, I'm working from home today but my house is a mess, the dc's are just looking after themselves (they are 11 and 13) and I have no motivation. I feel tearful, exhausted and not my usual happy self.

I promised myself and my dc's that I would never go back to how I was at Christmas, I can't, it was awaful and I could hardly function. I thought I was in a good place although I am lonely at times I try to keep myself occupied and busy. Maybe it's because it's the summer holidays and I can't just go off on my own doing my hobbies or go to the gym to take my mind off of things. I don't want to go back on meds, I had sleeping pills a few weeks ago but my gp will only prescribe them for a week so as soon as I stop taking them I'm back to being wide awake again.

[user1483981877]

hi, sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I just wondered if perhaps you could try a different antidepressant, maybe there would be different side effects that might make them more manageable? Could you take your kids to the gym or could they do your hobbies with you?
Hope you're ok, I have just started on antidepressants for the first time ever and two weeks in I have had some periods of finally feeling like I can cope so I am convert.

[Lovemusic33]

I have tried quite a few anti depressants, the only one that I could tolerate made me gain weight (I was getting up in the night to eat it was so bad) which then made me feel worse. I really don't want to go back on any medication. Once the dd's are back at school I can throw myself into the gym and work, I keep telling myself I just need to get through the next 5 weeks but it's hard at times. I am keeping busy today and taking dd2 swimming so I get to exercise too (we went yesterday and it helped) and tomorrow we have a family party so I will put on my 'I'm fine face'.