Don't know what to do next.. *Trigger Warning*

[chocogirl25]

This is going to be very long..

I was sexually abused for years by my cousin who my mom had adopted band brought into our house as he was an orphan. This went off for years, until one day I finally stood up to him. I blocked it out, worked hard at school and promised myself I'd leave as the town we live in as soon as I can and leave everything behind.

My moms been an alcoholic and emotionally abusive all my life. I grew up, worked hard; tried to live my life. I've had multiple nervous breakdowns and after the worst one, I finally admitted I needed help and needed to get to the bottom of this.

I've never been happy, I always smiled but inside, I am always sad and hurting.ive been getting help from every resource possible, gps, mental health unit, counselling, pastor etc and I'm trying.

When I told my mom what happened, she rejected me, called me a liar and a whore and exiled me. She spends all her time with him, she's essentially erased me from her life.

I work full time, I'm in a great relationship, I run my own house and I really try so hard at life. But inside, I'm dying. I take all the mess, I work out, I journal, I communicate with my GP, I pray, everything but I still fight everyday to not kill myself.

I so tired of fighting, I'm so sore. I'm so angry about what happened to me, I hate him. I hate that I live in a town so small I don't even leave my house alone because I always bump into him and he sneers, he's so cocky. My mother and him walk around arm in arm, so proud as if I did something wrong.

I hate telling people I'm okay. I hate that when I break down, I feel like I can't be down the next day, I have to put the smile back on because the few people who love me might leave cause I'm too sad.

I hate trying and nothing getting better. I hate wanting a life but everywhere I look, it's all tainted by his actions.

I dream of slitting my own throat, or hanging my self .. I pray for death and I know that's not Christian behaviour but anything away from this pain is better.

It's not getting better. I'm just done

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

Hi, that sounds really tough. I'm glad you have support from your GP and mental health team. Are you seeing a trauma specialit? This can make all the difference when recovering from such trauma.

The most important thing to remember is that none of this was your fault.

[EmmanuelleMumsnet]

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear this.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to continue to seek RL help and support as well.

Wishing you all the best.

[erinaceus]

chocogirl25

I am so sorry that you went through this. It sounds terrible.

Before you act on your suicidal thoughts, have you considered moving towns? This might not be plausible in your case, but it might be worth considering. Of course you might not want to do this. I do not see my abusers and that helps a lot.

I stopped telling other people I was okay. That helped me a lot. I try not to over-share but I do not put on a brave face either. I find The Samaritans helpful - I do not know if you have The Samaritans where you are? I infer that you are not in the UK but I might be wrong. When I was working through my trauma I found them helpful. I spoke to them daily at some points.

I reported my abuse to the police and felt much better even though they decided not to investigate. I do not know if you have considered doing this?

Keep posting here if you find that it is helpful

[erinaceus]

I do not have a religious faith so I cannot really comment on the religious part, but it sounds as if you are using the connection between your thoughts and your faith as another way to berate yourself, when the abuse is not your fault. It really isn't. I am so, so sorry for what you have been through.

I can relate to the feeling of the trauma being everywhere ("everywhere I look, it's all tainted by his actions"). Certain places have this effect on me, but I have started to find and to create safe places as well. That's why I mention moving towns I suppose.

My suicidal thoughts have mostly gone now, and there was a time when I thought that they never would. It can happen. Hang in there