Hi. This is the first time I've started a thread in MH I think, and my first thread under a new(ish) username, but a long-time poster of many years. I'm very sorry this will be long and waffly.
I don't know where to start or how to discuss things without outing myself. It's not like me to want to say anything, but I'm feeling v weird and detached this evening and can't seem to find the words to tell anyone in rl how I'm feeling.
V potted background: long hx of depression/anxiety/stress. Suicidal thoughts/attempts in early 20s then again in late 20s. Another stress-related breakdown 6ish yrs ago but been fine since having kids. Been on max dose of ssri's for many years which seem to keep the wheels on the cart (along with mindfulness/cbt techniques etc). I don't discuss the MH stuff with anyone. I work in a related sphere so I'm the one who supports others in this stuff. One of my parents has struggled for many years now with MH issues which makes harmonious relations difficult there.
Lately things have been a bit tricky- started new job 6 months ago (after a long time out of work and skint) but it's a v new challenging role with v v frequent performance reviews and high pressure to achieve targets (despite being in the health/care sector). Quite isolated in my role/lone working etc. Under-staffed so untenable workload. Feel out of my depth but I've let it get too far to admit this. All day every day I just want to run away or disappear.
My older child is incredibly difficult and oppositional with me and my DH (although well-behaved at school, luckily). He seems to particularly loathe me, rejecting any offer to play or help him. We have endless, frustrating, upsetting rows. Everyone argues, the noise and atmosphere is awful, and I've always been v noise-sensitive and jumpy, so this really drives me into the ground. It doesn't help that our house is a bit of a bombsite and we've no money or time to put it right.
I'm feeling v disillusioned in my relationship, in which I'm always the thinker/planner/do-er/organiser/initiator. I struggle with simmering resentment and anger about this, and direct a lot of it on to myself. I think when I'm stressed I feel particularly cross about all the extra effort I have to put in. This week I had quite a serious health scare due to stress, but have still had all the holiday packing/cleaning/logistics/travel etc to do (unaided). I'm exhausted, stressed, tired, anxious, edgy, and starting to feel de-personalisation/de-realisation.
I've had a bit of a series of knocks and snubs from very old friends lately (don't want to say too much which will out me) but it's left me feeling v low and uncharacteristically self-pitying. I think some of these knocks have been the icing on the cake today, and I'm just feeling incredibly detatched, sad and lost. My DH isn't speaking to me (he's drunk and smoking outside). As my dear old friends left this evening I had the feeling if not see them again. Felt so sad that I'd not see their children grow. Feel very sad that this might be the end of things. I just get a sense that my life is reaching the end soon, and it makes me feel a bit nostalgic and mildly sad, but also quite peaceful and resigned- if that makes sense?
If anyone ever reaches the end of this waffle, thank you for getting this far. I appreciate just being able to write things down and share them. I felt I was screaming silently before writing this down.
Best wishes everyone.
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MNHQ have commented on this thread
Mental health
Not feeling very real or ok.
RuncibleSp00n · 29/05/2017 21:24
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