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Not feeling very real or ok.

(24 Posts)

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RuncibleSp00n Mon 29-May-17 21:24:31

Hi. This is the first time I've started a thread in MH I think, and my first thread under a new(ish) username, but a long-time poster of many years. I'm very sorry this will be long and waffly.

I don't know where to start or how to discuss things without outing myself. It's not like me to want to say anything, but I'm feeling v weird and detached this evening and can't seem to find the words to tell anyone in rl how I'm feeling.

V potted background: long hx of depression/anxiety/stress. Suicidal thoughts/attempts in early 20s then again in late 20s. Another stress-related breakdown 6ish yrs ago but been fine since having kids. Been on max dose of ssri's for many years which seem to keep the wheels on the cart (along with mindfulness/cbt techniques etc). I don't discuss the MH stuff with anyone. I work in a related sphere so I'm the one who supports others in this stuff. One of my parents has struggled for many years now with MH issues which makes harmonious relations difficult there.

Lately things have been a bit tricky- started new job 6 months ago (after a long time out of work and skint) but it's a v new challenging role with v v frequent performance reviews and high pressure to achieve targets (despite being in the health/care sector). Quite isolated in my role/lone working etc. Under-staffed so untenable workload. Feel out of my depth but I've let it get too far to admit this. All day every day I just want to run away or disappear.

My older child is incredibly difficult and oppositional with me and my DH (although well-behaved at school, luckily). He seems to particularly loathe me, rejecting any offer to play or help him. We have endless, frustrating, upsetting rows. Everyone argues, the noise and atmosphere is awful, and I've always been v noise-sensitive and jumpy, so this really drives me into the ground. It doesn't help that our house is a bit of a bombsite and we've no money or time to put it right.

I'm feeling v disillusioned in my relationship, in which I'm always the thinker/planner/do-er/organiser/initiator. I struggle with simmering resentment and anger about this, and direct a lot of it on to myself. I think when I'm stressed I feel particularly cross about all the extra effort I have to put in. This week I had quite a serious health scare due to stress, but have still had all the holiday packing/cleaning/logistics/travel etc to do (unaided). I'm exhausted, stressed, tired, anxious, edgy, and starting to feel de-personalisation/de-realisation.

I've had a bit of a series of knocks and snubs from very old friends lately (don't want to say too much which will out me) but it's left me feeling v low and uncharacteristically self-pitying. I think some of these knocks have been the icing on the cake today, and I'm just feeling incredibly detatched, sad and lost. My DH isn't speaking to me (he's drunk and smoking outside). As my dear old friends left this evening I had the feeling if not see them again. Felt so sad that I'd not see their children grow. Feel very sad that this might be the end of things. I just get a sense that my life is reaching the end soon, and it makes me feel a bit nostalgic and mildly sad, but also quite peaceful and resigned- if that makes sense?

If anyone ever reaches the end of this waffle, thank you for getting this far. I appreciate just being able to write things down and share them. I felt I was screaming silently before writing this down.

Best wishes everyone.

Studyinghell Mon 29-May-17 21:28:31

Can you not go back to the gp, try some other meds or some therapy?

FairyAnn Mon 29-May-17 21:31:34

Didn't want to read and run. You sound like you need to ask for some professional help. Just because you work in the MH sector doesn't mean you don't deserve help yourself.

Reach out to someone in real life and let them know you're struggling. Best wishes to you

RuncibleSp00n Mon 29-May-17 21:37:34

Yes. I'm planning to go to the GP when I get back off holiday. But there's very little I've not tried, meds-wise, and I've had various forms of therapy over the years. I'm a MH professional myself, so I'm all too aware of what few options/services there are. And I feel awkward and ashamed using the services myself when there are far more deserving/more ill people on my own caseload.

I don't like to discuss stuff like this as I was brought up to make the best of things and to carry on regardless.

RuncibleSp00n Mon 29-May-17 21:38:36

Thank you Fairy for your kind words. I'm sorry, we cross-posted.

deckoff Mon 29-May-17 21:40:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RuncibleSp00n Mon 29-May-17 21:46:03

I'm really not, but that's a kind thing to say. I've been behaving horrifically to my poor kids (losing temper too quickly at my older child, swearing at them or under breath, getting a red mist, behaving erratically). I'm damaging them I'm sure. I know my younger child would be sad if I went but due to the age they'd quickly forget most things about me which may be for the best. They could have a more stable life without me, and less likelihood of ending up with MH problems themselves due to my negative effect on their self esteem.

Funnyonion17 Mon 29-May-17 21:46:03

Could you have a bit of derealization/depersonalisation?

It can be triggered by stress, trauma or anxiety.

RuncibleSp00n Mon 29-May-17 21:51:05

funny I'm sure that's exactly what I'm experiencing. I (self-diagnosed) experience both de-personalisation and de-realisation when at times of severe stress/anxiety/depression. Many years ago it was behind some very poor decision-making around my safety, and the sensible part of me is scared this is happening again. Although the part of me which minimises this stuff thinks I should just give myself a stern talking-to and take a deep breath and keep-on cracking-on with life. It feels like I've got v first world problems compared with the majority of the world.

deckoff Mon 29-May-17 21:51:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RuncibleSp00n Mon 29-May-17 22:06:32

I hate confrontation/drama so I don't think I can bring up some of this stuff with my DH, although he's aware of the stress-related health scare I had a few days ago, and be admitted it's due to being under a huge amount of work pressure. Since then we haven't really discussed it, and he's not offered-up any additional support or practical assistance. I've had to do all the holiday logistics and all the hosting (for 12 people) and subsequent hours of clearing-up today. He's just drinking by himself and listening to awful punk music. I know this'll lead to erratic behaviour and him having a hangover/bad mood tomorrow.

I'm not sure I'm up to initiating talking to anyone in rl about any of this. I just don't know where to start.

RuncibleSp00n Mon 29-May-17 22:09:44

Thank you for the flowers by the way. Your kindness is very touching and really appreciated. Thank you.

TheHoneyBadger Mon 29-May-17 22:25:51

Hi - sorry it's feeling this.... despairing. You def need some extra help. I know you say you've tried lots but just thinking, for example, of adding a nightly low dose of quetiapine. It can really augment anti depressants in treatment resistant depression, helps with when thinking is getting a bit scary, with anxiety and I don't know how you're sleeping but it definitely helps with that and good sleep makes so much difference.

Would you consider discussing this with your doc? You're going to need to be honest and say you're experiencing some suicidal thoughts. This sort of resigned to feeling like you're going to have to die and feeling kind of peaceful about it is dangerous ground ime and i'm sure you know that. You do know you're talking suicidally i take it?

Emergency GP appointment on return from work, two weeks signed off work, some additional meds and see how you are at the end of the fortnight i'd say. Not sure i'd want to go on holiday if i was feeling like you are currently - this is a crisis. When your dp sobers up i think it's time to tell him how bad it is and that you have been thinking they'd all be better off without you. Perhaps he'd be willing to take the children on holiday alone? Is there anyone you could stay with for a break? The time off might be better spent seeing a doctor and getting started on new meds than being away from home sitting feeling like you're locked behind a glass wall and can't feel what you're meant to feel or have enough energy to fake it itms?

TheHoneyBadger Mon 29-May-17 22:28:06

Have been where you're at btw and the thought of having to go on holiday with family would have been too much for me personally. Sounds like you really need this time off of work to recover not to deal with intensified family dynamics.

DoubleHelix79 Mon 29-May-17 22:28:17

Just wanted to add some mental support and hope you'll find the strength to get to a better place. Remember that you're important and deserve to be happy.
Otherwise I can't help much I think, other than suggesting that you stop doing any planning/organising/non-essential household activities. If they're important they will get picked up. Don't add more pressure and frustration to your life.

RuncibleSp00n Mon 29-May-17 22:36:47

I'm sorry for having seemed so negative. I know how frustrating it is when people won't do anything to proactively improve their situations. I'm not usually so self-pitying. I feel a sense of sadness that I've let everyone down and ruined the early years of my poor little children's lives. I should've enjoyed these early special years instead of ruining them and always being cross/tired/upset/bored/ranting at them. I've not appreciated my poor children, and I can't quite believe how ungrateful I've been to have them. I feel disgusted at myself and full of self-loathing.

I've put on several stones in weight and am fat, flabby and unfit, My DH doesn't fancy me or touch me and I can't blame him. I hate my fat body but secretly punish myself with binge eating. Hormone problems make me even more barrel-shaped. I'm thinking of starting WW or SW this week, and have been doing a bit more exercise lately. I do try and do all the right things (challenging faulty thoughts, good sleep hygiene, taking meds religiously, seeing friends, going to work, not being avoidant etc) but am just feeling so tired of keeping going. sad

Queazy Mon 29-May-17 22:38:22

My heart goes out to you. I've 'only' suffered from mild depression and anxiety in the past, and know how hard it is to get the right help. It sounds like you're at the end of your tether, and really do need to speak to someone. Does your employer have an EAP scheme with counselling/other talk therapies attached to it that you could use just to get everything out on the table so you feel able to talk to someone else in real life?

It sounds like so many things are adding up to make you feel this way. Bottling it up is part of the problem, and the fact we often think the stiff upper lip is the way forward in this county only stops people seeking the support they need. I completely understand you see many people in crisis and needing support, but from your message, I think you're in crisis too. Please look after yourself, get through the night, and give someone a call in the morning - a friend, gp, wherever you feel most comfortable starting.

You are important. The other poster is absolutely spot on. The reason I can 100% guarantee you that is because you love your kids so much and know something has got to change to make you ALL happy, the fact that through the red mist and derealisation you've seen a way to seeking help and support tonight, and...the fact we haven't read and run because we care. I post on here about twice a year, but your post touched me greatly. You don't need to do this alone - post back and get support to help you along the way. Xxxxx

TheHoneyBadger Mon 29-May-17 22:49:34

should AND always in that last post wink try not to think too much (especially about the whole massive big picture as it looks to you right now) because your thinking is skewed right now. remind yourself of that when the nasty, self disgusted, always, never, my poor children, i should/shouldn't etc thoughts try to kick in. remember i'm not well right now, these thoughts are part of that, i can't trust my thoughts right now.

you've nothing to apologise for btw and you haven't frustrated anyone x

Popskipiekin Mon 29-May-17 23:16:35

I don't have enough experience of mental health issues to offer advice as to what you should do I'm afraid. I'm worried anything I say will seem too simplistic but I wanted to post something, anything, because

1. Every single one of your posts is, believe it or not, a ringing endorsement of what a truly valuable person you are. Honestly. You strike me as someone of immense worth, candor, humour, intelligence. I am not just saying this. Your posts are very eloquent and it breaks my heart that you have reached this point.

2. Your posts struck a chord as I recognise much of what you say is reflected in my own life - and I know how easy it is to tip from coping to not coping.

I do all the thinking and the organising.
I have a lot of built-up resentment with this.
I recognise the wanting to just run away from a job - imposter syndrome is a big issue I face, you too?
My children are very small but I often "see red" when they annoy me. I have kept under wraps and don't let them see this, but how much harder this will be when they are older and more trying...
I went through a period of what I know to be PND and felt close to breakdown - I said this explicitly to my DH and he had absolutely no words of support to offer. It was mind-bogglingly hurtful.
Your words on body image and secret eating particularly resonated with me - something I've struggled with my whole life.

I am coping right now because I'm on maternity leave and don't have job stress to contend with. I know if I did that it would be a whole other ball game.

You are under a whole torrent of awfulness currently. It is almost impossible looking at everything you're struggling with to feel like anything can come right, but what if you tackled just one area - eg your job? I'm probably being very naive here but how impossible would it be to go to whoever is next in line above you and say: this is not working and we need to manage the workload as my own MH is being impacted. Can you imagine yourself saying that - it might be embarrassing, you might fear things have gone on too long for you to say anything, but wouldn't it bring a great deal of relief? You wouldn't carry the burden silently any longer. And you could then focus back on your own personal life which for all of us should be the priority but so often can take a backseat due to work crises.

Again, apologies for simplicity. I don't think I have diagnosable mental health problems but I do so often feel goddamn miserable, and the only thing keeping me afloat right now is not worrying about work - so I'm just wondering if you can sort that first and get some breathing space.

RuncibleSp00n Tue 30-May-17 10:32:42

Helix, Queazy, Honey, Popski and anyone else I might have missed- a sincere thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time and effort to write and send such caring and supportive posts. I'm amazed at what a difference it makes, opening-up to strangers and receiving such supportive wise responses from kind and caring MNers. I'm replying on my phone in the shower room of where we're staying, and we have to leave shortly to fly home, so I'm not able to reply individually as I'd have liked to have done.

But something which jumps out at me from you post, Popski: you sound like you've been through an awful lot yourself, and we sound very similar in many ways. I wonder when you say you've not got "diagnosable" MH difficulties. Have you had that confirmed by a professional, or could it be another manifestation of the old 'imposter' syndrome you very astutely recognise in yourself. I suffer terribly from feeling like an imposter in all areas of life (parenting, work, general adulthood) and you've got me thinking: perhaps that also makes it harder for those like us to definitively accept when things are very wrong with our wellbeing/MH. Because we're doubting our validity all the time. So it's easy to minimise/ignore our MH probs as being 'not real' or 'insignificant' and to assume therefore that they're just part of how our lives are (hence me never being able to talk about mine, despite me being a fierce advocate of opposing the stigma around MH and always encouraging my service users to talk openly and proudly of their MH experiences). Popski I do hope you can perhaps seek some support or even just allow yourself to accept that you've had almost certainly diagnosable periods of emotional distress/mental ill-health. You've a lot on your plate (like me) and I can't get over how kind it is for you to reach out to me.

You're all of you so kind and thoughtful. I do really appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you.

I'm not feeling quite so sad today. Tired (kids in the bed all night and soaring temps) and a bit numb, but definitely a bit more hopeful. Thank you for helping me feel I wasn't alone last night. flowersflowersflowers

LornaMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 30-May-17 10:50:30

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way, but glad that things seem a little brighter this morning. flowers

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

RuncibleSp00n Tue 30-May-17 12:40:46

Sorry. I didn't mean to alarm or upset. I didn't think my post would be reported because I wasn't saying I am actively suicidal. There's a big distinction to me between confessing to passive ideation and saying one is actively suicidal, with plans to act on these. As I was just confiding about the former, I didnt think it would cause distress or alarm enough to be reported. It's fairly common feeling like this so I don't expect anyone to give of themselves more than they are able to give. I'm so sorry if my post has distressed any other posters or caused you to feel you've given too much.

I'll remember the kind words people sent. Thank you. Take care.

deckoff Tue 30-May-17 13:05:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Popskipiekin Tue 30-May-17 19:43:46

Runcible very kind thoughtful words. I won't hijack your thread further with my own issues - honestly didn't mean to do that, just wanted to offer solidarity. Sometimes it feels like everyone else's life is streets ahead in the happiness/health/success stakes when this is actually not the case. I was at a hen do recently - lots of cheerful bright things (some much younger than me). I was shocked when someone who I thought was "sorted" in all ways confessed to having had the mother of 2017s, saying something along the lines of "I think we are all deeply unhappy about some area of our life". Very depressing (and I'm sure at the same time that there are stacks of 100% happy people out there!) but it did give me some comfort, strangely!

I am so glad you are a little less sad today. I do hope you reach a place soon where you realise how much your children do need you and would not be better off without you in their lives. What help have you sought irt your older child?

I found some lighthearted relief today in the form of this (rather long) comic strip about how women always take on the "mental load" at home. We would all feel so much better if we didn't have all this on our plate as well... hey ho wink

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