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Not worthy of a title or help

(18 Posts)
CrazyCatMum Mon 22-May-17 22:17:43

Feel like I've pissed off all the services involved, well I say all what I mean is 3 people, that they are fed up of hearing me tell them I'm struggling, that I don't want to keep living. I can almost hear them saying whatever, just gonna shut up, we're tired of hearing from you.
I don't want to bother them,
I'm scared to tell them what's in my head because I don't think they will believe me.
I'm overwhelmed with everything, have a knot in my stomach that gets bigger and bigger and I don't know how to stop it.
Everything hurts physically and all the tests have come back so far clear so that means it's all in my head and I really am mad.

It's all too much, I'm drowning and don't want a life buoy just want someone to put their foot on my head and hold me under but in reality that's not gonna happen and I guess it feels like a punishment 😭

NolongerAnxiousCarer Mon 22-May-17 22:37:43

Hi catmum,

Just because there is no physical cause for symptoms doesn't mean you are crazy. If you think in terms of computers there the hardware (think physical body) and the software. Even if all the hardware is ok if theres a problem with the software the computer won't function properly. In people these software problems are called 'functional' problems. They are not well understood by many doctors. Theres a really good website

forcryinoutloud Mon 22-May-17 22:38:38

Cat Mum. You said it yourself, you are overwhelmed, you need help, professional help...professional caring people do not get pissed off, they are there to help YOU. Tell them what you have said here. Of course you are worthy of help, as much as anyone is and I am sending you hugs to prove it! Just breathe, have a warm drink, tea, coffee, herbal tea, something to calm you. Speak to Samaritans. You just need the right help.

CrazyCatMum Tue 23-May-17 01:45:00

I just want it to stop.
I'm scared how I feel, my head tells me soo many different things, not to trust people, not to listen, that I'm mad, I'm a psycho, I'm dirty, disgusting.
My mum took an overdose and blamed me, she took the tablets in front of me and said it was my fault she was going to die because I had had sex with her husband. I was 12 and I don't ever want my kids to feel that way, that it's their fault if I die, because it's not, it's what's best for everyone 😭
I just want the pain to stop, both physical and mental but it doesn't feels like my punishment for telling 😭

LorLorr2 Tue 23-May-17 02:10:22

What is telling you that the people are fed up with you, have there been signs from them or is that just a feeling you have?
Have you told them you feel that way (about feeling like you're bothering them)?
Also, what have they said to you about the dreadful experience in your childhood?

We are here for you, I"m sending 1000 hugs xxxx

forcryinoutloud Tue 23-May-17 14:01:57

You have been through something so terrible it is hard for anyone to imagine but that does not mean they don't believe you Catmum, you need help. What sort of help have you, are you getting?

More hugs and prayers, if you don't believe in that, I'm sorry, sending you love is all I mean.

CrazyCatMum Tue 23-May-17 14:15:50

I feel like I talk a different language feel like I've got it so wrong.
I sat today and sobbed while talking to cpn and I still feel like crap, still feel I got it wrong, still feel like it would be best for everyone if I wasn't around anymore.
I'm too tired to function the way a mum is supposed to.
I don't know if this can be fixed anymore 😢

SingaSong12 Tue 23-May-17 23:05:00

How are you Catmum?
There is no way a mum is supposed to be, you are doing your best. It is so good you are talking to the cpn. I hope you can get some peace tonight. If you need help tonight please contact someone like the Samaritans or crisis team (if you have access). Best wishes flowers

LorLorr2 Wed 24-May-17 19:43:22

So sorry my love. Are you on medication??

forcryinoutloud Wed 24-May-17 21:44:33

You're posts are clear enough Catmum, you have been through hell and you need help, just like anyone would. And just a thought, if you find it hard to put stuff into speech what about showing CPN this thread?

CrazyCatMum Wed 24-May-17 23:10:09

I do take medication, feel like I rattle sometimes.
My cpn is off now for nearly 3 weeks, I can speak to the duty cpns but I find they just pass me to the crisis team.
I wish the thoughts would go away, the loudness in my head that I can't make sense of, or understand, it all reinforces I'm a bad person.
I just want to sleep, to close my eyes without seeing their faces or feel their touch but it doesn't happen and I'm losing my grip on reality, that's if I ever had it.

Why does it have to be so hard 😢😢

NolongerAnxiousCarer Thu 25-May-17 09:50:31

Hi, I can relate to loud unpleasant thoughts in my head. Personally I found if I tried to block them out or ignore them they got worse the thing that helped was aknowledging them. Not acting on them, but saying to myself "OK I feel like hurting myself and its OK to feel that way" the act of acknowledging them seemed to take somd of the power out of the thoughts. It is really horrible though flowers to you. You have been through some very difficult things and it is normal for you to be feeling this way about them. You can get through this and it will get easier eventually.

CrazyCatMum Thu 25-May-17 22:09:11

I'm so tired today, really bad nightmares horrible hallucinations again.
Am supposed to have done homework for tomorrow for psychologist but I've not, it fills me with panic the thought of having to do it, feel like I'm back at school and I didn't understand the homework so didn't do it and am scared to go see the teacher for fear she will shout at me and even though I don't think she would shout or be angry I know she will be disappointed and I will feel I've let her down.

Everything is a blur, the crisis team are still in touch but I want to shout at them to leave me alone because while they are still in touch I guess I'm sort of safe and I don't want to be, I don't want to let them down by not being here so if they pull out it will give me the go ahead and I won't be letting anyone down. 😢
I'm scared it's all going to go wrong 😢

SingaSong12 Fri 26-May-17 05:23:46

I can't help as such but more good wishes flowers

NolongerAnxiousCarer Fri 26-May-17 19:12:24

Hope it went OK with the psychologist today catmum I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but one day you will look back and be glad that the crisis team stuck by you. They believe things will get better, even when you can't.

CrazyCatMum Fri 26-May-17 23:42:32

It went ok I think, thanks for asking. My session ran over.
I kind of told her what my plans were and she said if I still feel this low next week then they will look at hospital admission, something I don't want

We talked about re reporting my abuse but I don't think I could, I don't think they would believe me again.

I haven't heard from the Drs about my bloods so I guess they are normal and it's all in my head.

I just don't see the point in anything anymore, I've tried my best but it wasn't good enough I don't feel like I've got anything left to give 😭

forcryinoutloud Mon 29-May-17 22:22:58

I can tell by your posts you still have something to give Catmum, I'm sure you always have it's just that you've not been allowed to give it due to what you've been through!

Can you have a go at this please....just >try< bit by bit, some more positive thoughts and statements. Every time you realise you think a negative, shift it with a positive eg in your previous post I've tried my best but it wasn't good enough should become 'I've tried my best and it was good enough' Don't let someone else judge you, if you do your best IT IS good enough!

forcryinoutloud Mon 29-May-17 22:24:59

Even if it's only one positive thought a day it is something to build on.........take care of yourself.

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