Sexual assault? Please don't read if offend.

[MissKST]

I wasn't going to post this. Or I was going to name change, but no one knows me, so I'm going to share something only me,my GP and one man knows. Six years ago tomorrow I stayed over at a male friends house, his girlfriend was on holiday, his child too, long story short we had arranged for him to give me a lift somewhere and it was easier to set off early, so he said I could crash in his sofa. We watched a bit is Tv, had a pizza, and one jack daniels and coke. That's the last thing I remember, I remember the glass was slippy,and felt really heavy, then I woke to him on top of me. I don't remember anything after that, I don't remember anything else, I woke up the next morning, he gave me my lift, made small talk, and I just kept thinking 'please just take me home' I got home, bathed, chucked my clothes, blocked his number,his texts,and him on every social media. This haunts me, I have depression. I have bad,deep thoughts. I'm petrified of death. I'm petrified of bumping into him. I'm petrified of everyday life. But was it rape? Is it classed as rape if you agree to stay over? I think, did it hint at something and I agreed not realising what he meant? Why didn't I say stop when I woke up. I don't mean for this to offend anyone. I just need to let this out.

[DeadGood]

Yes, of course it was rape. I'm so sorry

[thingscanonlygetbetterrrr]

If you weren't in a position to safely say no, then you didn't give consent so that is rape. You are not responsible for his actions. Has your GP referred you for specialist support? Most sexual assault referral centres have specialist counselling services attached or affiliated who will help historical cases like yours. Well done for having the strength to talk about it as so many don't x

[mynameiscalypso]

It was definitely rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You were unable to consent - it doesn't matter that you stayed over or that you didn't say stop when you woke up - you couldn't consent and therefore what he did was rape. I was raped in similar circumstances and went to the police 5 years after it happened because I couldn't live with it anymore. They believed me and were able to point me in the direction of specialist support. I'm still not doing great and I absolutely recognise what you say about being terrified of seeing him out and about but I am slowly recovering from the trauma. Has your GP referred you for counselling at all? I believe rape crisis are also very good. There is support out there - you don't need to go through this alone.

[GinAndSonic]

Rape crisis can help you if you want to have some support / counselling. You can usually self refer. I had counselling with them 11 years after I was raped by a boyfriend / 2 years after leaving an sexually abusive marriage. They really helped me to come to terms with what happened and to be able to move forward with it as something that no longer affects me in such a negative way.
Im so sorry you experienced what you did. It was rape and I beleive you. You did nothing wrong.

[MissKST]

Thank you all for your replies, I did ask for counselling almost 2 years ago (when I told my GP)
I have a young daughter now, which I think makes me feel worse. My relationship with her Dad is abysmal and I think it's partly down to my mental health from this, he doesn't know. It's all been buried deep inside me for such a long time, but I just don't feel I can carry on like this, I'm literally existing, and that's it. Something definately needs to change.

[Ohmyfuck]

You poor woman. I can't believe you're worried about offending anyone. You did NOTHING wrong. You need to speak to someone (GP in the first instance, I suppose) and explain about your depression. You did nothing wrong. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Ohmyfuck]

Just read that you've already had counseling but maybe it's time for more. Big hugs, brave lady. Xxx

[MissKST]

Sorry I didn't explain, I meant I was put forward for the counselling two years ago, but I never heard back, I just put it off and thought maybe it's the waiting lists, inkjow they are shockingly long! I may look into private counselling, need to offload I think then the mist may clear, to be quite honest I feel this is all stopping me being the mother I always wanted to be, & I hate that. I won't let him take that from me to so needed to do this and maybe go from here

[mynameiscalypso]

I've just started private counselling too. I looked for someone who had experience dealing with this kind of trauma and it's been helpful so far. Like you, I hadn't really told anyone for years and had buried it very deep so I know it will take a while to deal with it properly but I know I can't move forward with my life until I do. Much strength to you

[thingscanonlygetbetterrrr]

I would highly recommend researching specialist sexual assault support in your area rather than waiting for generic counselling. As a PP said you can usually self refer and it doesn't matter how long ago the rape happened. Good luck, you can get through this x