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How do I stop losing my temper?

(38 Posts)
MrTurtleLikesKisses Mon 15-May-17 22:18:05

I'll try to keep this short. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past but my problem at the minute, I'm ashamed to say, is my temper.
At work, I am happy, calm and laid-back. At home, I am permanently on the edge of a full-blown rage. It is always over something trivial (often the second or third trivial thing that's happened that day/evening if I was good enough to hold it together over the first/second thing.
I am seeing my doctor but the waiting list is 6 weeks. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do to manage it?
At the minute, I try to just breeeathe to remind myself it isn't worth getting angry over. I've also overhauled my diet. I went vegan a few months ago after reading about links with animal product consumption and mental health problems. I drink lots of green tea. I'm also trying out Kalms and Evening Primrose Oil. I actually feel better just knowing I am helping myself but it's still not enough.
I failed at keeping this short - if you're still reading, thank you!

PacificDogwod Mon 15-May-17 22:21:14

There will be a reason for why you feel calmer and more resilient at work than at home.

What is the 'climate' like generally at home? Do you like being at home?
What little things are irritating you at home?

NHS Anger

MrTurtleLikesKisses Mon 15-May-17 22:28:59

I have an easy home life really. One toddler, one dog and DH. Dog is messy (hair everywhere). This drives me mad, I Hoover every day. I get angry at mess, dirt, washing up etc. any jobs that need doing really. I'll do it all either simmering with rage underneath or I'll snap that I need help. Later I'll realise that DH actually does enough other stuff to warrant not helping and that if I do want him to help, snapping at him is probably not the answer.

MrTurtleLikesKisses Mon 15-May-17 22:30:45

I also get irrationally angry at sudden, unexpected pain. Banging my head/stubbing my toe etc. can make me so angry. This all looks so pathetic written down. hmm

PacificDogwod Mon 15-May-17 22:33:19

A toddler and a dog is enough to make anybody snap! grin

You hate mess. You don't enjoy cleaning up after it.
It may simply be that you resent the inevitability of perpetual mess and cleaning?

Have you said any of this to your DH? How does he react??

MrTurtleLikesKisses Mon 15-May-17 22:37:06

Yes! That's it. It's the day to day stuff I don't seem able to cope with.
He doesn't really see mess. He'll do some things if I ask, he hates doing other things.
I get in an hour before him. I usually clean up and then cook. I could do none of this and tell him it's toast for tea and I haven't hoovered and he'd say "Ok Babe!" and he'd mean it. It doesn't bother him, it only bothers me.

MrTurtleLikesKisses Mon 15-May-17 22:37:59

When I snap, it tends to be at him so I need to fix it, it's not his fault.

Lalunya85 Mon 15-May-17 22:48:13

You sounds like me! Except today I also snapped at my lovely DCs at bedtime, and they're only 1 and 3.sad

I snap for similar things too. It's a terrible combination to hate cleaning and tidying but also to hate mess and dirt.

Sorry, I may post again with some strategies (if I can think of any), but for now just letting you know you aren't alone.

Lalunya85 Mon 15-May-17 22:48:45

(I even se to have a similar Dh to yours!) grin

Sunshinegirls Mon 15-May-17 22:48:54

I empathise with you, I used to be the same when my children were smaller. I think a lot of it stemmed from the contraceptive implant, I got it removed and things have slowly improved. I have learned to control it a lot better now, I think taking vitamin D supplement has also helped. As well as some major decluttering.

MrTurtleLikesKisses Mon 15-May-17 22:54:52

Thank you all for your replies! It's good to realise there's a reason I feel like this at home, not at work. And it's even better to know I'm not alone!

Lalunya85 Mon 15-May-17 22:55:59

The only thing that sometimes works for me is to 'zoom out' of the situation,and think of the e bigger picture.

So DH didn't put his plate in the dishwasher after breakfast, or the kids are refusing to calm down and won't stop jumping around even though it's past 7:30pm.... But the bigger picture is that we have a home I like to live in, jobs that pay (just about) enough, two lovely healthy kids, a partner that makes me laugh, friends that come and visit... Etc etc. Sometimes when I think about what life would be like without one of those things (say one of us got seriously ill), it makes me feel much calmer because I know that these day to day problems pale into insignificance in comparison, and really I have all the ingredients to be happy.

This does sometimes help me unwind when I'm all wound up and stressed and tense.

Apologies if this is a little morbid, and I don't mean to downplay how you feel about the day to day stuff! I realise you mention past mental health problems, so a purely behavioural or cognitive strategy may feel a little shallow. But it does work for me sometimes.

MrTurtleLikesKisses Mon 15-May-17 22:57:58

Sunshine, it's interesting you mention the implant. I expressed my concern at how well I'd cope with hormonal contraception when I went for a chat about contraception options last year and Mirena was suggested. I've had it nearly a year now and I think it's ok.
I take vitamin D too - definitely believe it should be helping and I've recently been more ruthless with clutter too! It definitely helps, but nothing has quite stopped the rages altogether.

MrTurtleLikesKisses Mon 15-May-17 22:59:56

Thank you Lalunya, something like this would be good for me to remember. It's just remembering to remember that might be the problem I think! I get cross so quickly I need to learn to catch myself. I will try to zoom out next time I feel like I'm losing it.

Brighteyes27 Mon 15-May-17 23:02:30

Op and Lalunya85 I feel the same your not alone. I am not particularly tidy myself either but also I can't properly relax when house is a total tip (the mess seems to breed). Sometimes I tackle it sometimes I don't but either way the mess bothers me.
I just wonder do either of you ever get much of a break away from the never ending home/housework cycle? I don't and I wonder whether this is why it effects me so badly as no escape no respite. Also I wonder how old you both are? With me I am 50, other health issues which just tap my energy and enthusiasm which is worse at the end of day tea time when teen and tween winding each other up, DH late in, meals to prepare, dog to feed, to get organised for the following day, a lot going on and under stress. Also really want to show an interest in the kids lives and their days and all they want to do is lay about on electronic devices, ignore me and they have The Simpsons or some other noisy drivel on TV loudly. Help themselves to snacks and make a mess. DH comes in late, walking slowly (no rush) her starts looking for mail leaving envelopes all over the work top then asks about something utterly irrelevant and this is when i snap.
Watching with interest. 💐

MrTurtleLikesKisses Mon 15-May-17 23:10:21

Brighteyes, I'm 26 and no, I don't really get a break from it although DH is away some weekends. I don't really feel like I should need a break though with just one DC and a very stress-free job.

Lalunya85 Mon 15-May-17 23:18:03

Mrturtle, you still need a break, everybody does! I think you're right brighteyes!

Alone time definitely helps me. I have an allotment and it's a very peaceful space, just me and the plants, it's lovely.
I still lose it a t home though, especially when work is super stressful and I work until midnight most nights.

I'm 32 by the way.

MrTurtleLikesKisses Tue 16-May-17 16:46:54

Thanks, I'd been telling myself that one child shouldn't overwhelm me when I hear about people seemingly coping fine with 2+ children. All of my friends are pregnant with no. 2 which doesn't help the feeling that I should be coping fine.
I think I will try to find ways of having more time to myself. I used to be part of a running club but we moved away so probably time I found a new one.

GoingQuietlyInsane Wed 17-May-17 12:52:20

Watching too. I feel like The Hulk sometimes - this anger that just overwhelms me and demands to be released. My rages can be properly apocalyptic - screaming, crying (no throwing things - usually.)

Afterwards, I feel like a small boat that's been destroyed in a storm. The anger feels elemental and separate to myself, almost. I can hear myself shouting, saying things that I know aren't true, that are childish exaggerations or over-the-top histrionics.

So it's interesting to hear of other people's experience. I wish so much I didn't have this anger. I know it makes people wary of me - although no one sees the extent of it apart from my immediate family (which is bad enough) I also fear that others can see the anger there bubbling away under the surface. sad

GoingQuietlyInsane Wed 17-May-17 12:53:47

Oh, and one of my triggers is definitely mess too. When I go to cook dinner and every surface in the kitchen is cluttered - huge flash point for me.

Juby89 Wed 17-May-17 16:05:21

It's actually a relief to hear that someone else is just like me. I'm always on the edge of flipping out (or having a breakdown). This could just be because there was a couple of dishes in the sink. Although last week I was just diagnosed with depressive anxiety and my GP said irritability and explosive anger were my signs of depression. I explained that I was different outside of the home , he just said that's because this was my way of trying to gain control of my life. But hearing that made me feel better because I felt like there was an explanation for it and it wasn't the "real" me. I find that having alone time does help, it's something I don't get often either. I got myself a day off from work tomorrow just so I can have 6 hours at home with no one there!

Hope you get the support you need xx

LilaBard Wed 17-May-17 16:12:09

How are you sleeping? Or more importantly what is your quality of sleep like? Silly question maybe if you have a toddler!

I found I was snapping a lot a while back about silly things. Not usually into herbal things but I've started drinking clipper sleep easy tea before bed, and made a rule not to use social media etc an hour before bed time. Also downloaded an app which adjusts the screen brightness on my phone - a blue light filter - as apparently this can affect things, and found they all really helped.

Maybe none of this relevant in your case but can't hurt to try smile

MrTurtleLikesKisses Wed 17-May-17 17:08:30

I'm in tears reading this Going Quietly, I am so sorry that you experience this too but it is good to hear I am not alone.

MrTurtleLikesKisses Wed 17-May-17 17:10:07

Lila, I sleep well although I often go to bed later than I mean to. I think I might start setting an alarm on my phone or something that means "Anything else can wait now - just go upstairs and start getting ready for bed!"

MrTurtleLikesKisses Wed 17-May-17 17:10:59

I have laughed and laughed with my work partner all day today and we have been so busy but I've been happy (despite a stressful meeting). I've got home and feel bloody awful.

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