Waiting till kids grow

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Has anyone ever felt like waiting till the kids grow and then ending it all? I don't know if I'll still feel like this in ten years when my ds is 18 but I do today. I don't want to be told to call the samaritans please as I feel ok. Just pondering stuff.

[blue2014]

Sorry to hear you have these thoughts. I don't often respond on these threads because I know what I'm about to say won't help right now but I just feel I have to. You know your son will still love and need you when he's 18, don't you?

I still need my mum and I'm nearly 40!

Hope things get better for you

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Thank you. There isn't much anyone can say I suppose. I know. I am just tired really

[Blinkyblink]

I am so sorry to read this.

I lost both my parents young, but older than 18.

There's no good age.

[PacificDogwod]

A parent dying is difficult at any age, the devastation left behind by a parent (or anybody) ending their own life themselves lasts forever.

Please seek help to figure out where these thoughts are coming from

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I don't have the strength at the moment to keep trying so waiting ten years seems to give me relief. There's an end point. Maybe it'll help?

[DancingLedge]

Telling yourself it's just not on for the next ten years may be quite a positive thing to hold onto, for now.

And by then, you may feel differently.

Something that eases your pain a bit now would be good too. Can you think of anything , however small, that has ever made you feel better, for a bit? A bath, a walk among the spring flowers tomorrow,
enormous quantities of cake. Sorry if this sounds flippant. Sometimes, when I had thoughts like you, little things, if I forced myself, could help a teeny bit to make life a bit more bearable.
Warmest best wishes.

Ten years ago, I could have written this. Today I am happy. This can be true for you too, I hope.

[Celledora]

Can't read and run. Dad died when I was young, mum kept going with the same thought in mind as the only way to keep going. She had a near-fatal accident when I was 16 and waking from a coma said she'd decided it wasn't her time after all and realised she could now live a life for herself after holding on for me all this time. I was very angry that she'd planned to leave me alone in the world but so glad she'd hung on which meant that she got to that point, when really, her life started again because things had changed in small increments in the meantime. Whatever you need to hold onto, do it. Things will change with time. Also, do get help when you feel able. Big hugs to you x

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Thank you. Maybe it will change but the thought has made me feel calmer.

[Wolfiefan]

It might give you relief but I imagine the idea of losing you would fill your child with horror.
I'm well in my 40's and I still love my mum to bits and rely on her. I know I will eventually lose her but it would break my heart beyond measure to lose her before her time.
OP you need to seek RL help. Urgently.

[PacificDogwod]

Be very very kind to yourself.
But keep on going - you will not feel like this forever and if you killed yourself you'd remove the chance of feeling better forever.

People whose parents killed themselves are affected by that for the rest of their lives.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I think if I'm still feeling like this in ten years I might always feel like this

[Wolfiefan]

If you do what you've always done then you get what you've always got.
Or something like that.
Seek help to change how you feel. Whether that's pills or CBT or counselling or something else.
You can't leave your child to deal with your suicide. You just can't.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I've had cbt, taken pills and had counselling

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I'm also not suggesting I'm going to do anything now.

[Wolfiefan]

I would go back to GP. It's not "healthy" to be thinking like this. Your child would be devastated to lose you like this. Try different pills?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I really doubt there are magic solutions. I may feel better in time, who knows.

[Wolfiefan]

Time won't help. Seeking medical help may.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I have done and it didn't help. I don't feel this is irrational. I feel calm and logical. Life is rubbish for some people. It just is.

[Wolfiefan]

If your life itself is rubbish then make changes. My job was shit so I left.
If your depression is making you feel that your perfectly fine life is shit then seek treatment. If previous treatment didn't help then seek a different treatment.
I have asthma. If my inhaler doesn't work I don't think ok then I will die. I get to the GP and keep trying different ones until one does work.
You may feel logical. Suicide isn't a logical choice. Your poor kid.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I'm not saying I'm going to do it. And I'm not saying I'm going to do it now. How dare you say my poor kid. It's how I feel at the moment and I don't need berating into getting better. That doesn't work.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I think people are trying to help but reactions like that are the reason that people don't talk about these kinds of thoughts. Thoughts are not actions. And not voicing a thought can sometimes be dangerous too.

[tormentil]

Am in a similar place, OP. Only my children have grown and left home. Nothing has changed for me in the 17 years since their father died. For a long time I made bargains 'if it is still like this in three months time, then I'll kill myself'.
I'm still here, but more unhappy and lonely than ever. It hasn't got better. I have used all my resources trying to create change and now I am skint and exhausted.
So, yes I am someone else who thinks about ending it all. Only I haven't, yet.

[Wolfiefan]

Yes your poor kid.
If saying that makes you realise that these thoughts are not normal and healthy then that's a good thing.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. It's easy to think and feel all kinds of stuff. It's ok to think and feel certain things IF you understand they are a symptom of the illness and seek help.
Planning to maybe kill yourself in 10 years is neither healthy or normal. Seek help.

[PacificDogwod]

houghts are not actions. And not voicing a thought can sometimes be dangerous too.

I totally agree. Thoughts are not actions.
But thinking about an action can insidiously, over a period of time normalised the subject matter of the thought. Therefore dangerous thoughts need to be challenged, which is very very hard work.

Just because whatever therapy or pills you had did not work, does not mean that there is no help out there for you. It won't come to you, you'll have to reach out and find it.

So, please, discuss these thoughts with your GP or even any other trusted person. Just as you are doing here with us.

I work with survivors of parental suicide and trust me when I say even those who recover from such a shocking loss carry the scar forever.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

It's really odd. I feel better today. As in ok. When I feel better, I realise that I don't always feel low, but when I'm low I think I've always been low. I go in cycles, very quickly, from desperately low, to ok, to very happy. But when I'm in it, I don't have any clarity. I don't get low that often, but when I do, I get really really low.