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Never Ending Struggle *Long Post Alert*

(4 Posts)
GenericAndGeneric Sun 14-May-17 19:32:43

I'm a little worried about posting my personal issues on here but I don't feel that I have anyone to talk to.
I have suffered from mental health issues since I was 13. I had a bad relationship with my parents and suffered years of physical abuse due to my mothers battle with alcoholism.
I had a baby at 16, then again at 18, and had my 3rd at 26. My kids are my entire world. They are the reason that I live.
I have been diagnosed with Mixed Anxiety and Depression Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I take a high dosage of medication every day to try to keep stable, mostly for my children's sakes.
I have generally been able to manage my mental health problems with medication and distractions, but lately I haven't been able to cope. I have no tactic up my sleeve that is seeming to keep my moods, bad thoughts and impulses at bay.
This year has quite possibly been the most challenging of my adult life. A lot of unexpected things have happened that I haven't been able to cope with and it feels like my life is crumbling. No amount of medication is helping at the moment.
I feel like a fool posting my problems on here, but nobody that I have spoken to seems to be able to help. Not family, not my psychiatrist, not my CPN, nobody. It's just been a case of "times are hard now but you'll get passed it" which is a lovely sentiment, but ultimately not very helpful.
My problems really started in February when the world felt like it started crumbling away.

My husband had been made redundant from his job, we had to apply for benefits to see us through whilst we were both desperately job searching. We were screwed over because we were issued with a payment (after 8 weeks of waiting and having nothing) of £200 to last us 5 weeks. This had to pay our bills, rent, buy food, pay for transportation l, etc.
That was problem #1
Problem #2 was that my daughter accessed a children's website in which you can speak to friends from school etc. Somehow an adult had managed to get onto this closed site and started grooming my daughter. She said nothing to me or her dad, closed the site down and got on with her night. The next day we found out and contacted the police. They seized the laptop, phones, all technology from the house and started an investigation. The police informed social services, which made me feel like the worst parent in existence.
A lot of other small issues arose over the weeks, not relating to the above, which added stress and pressure.
Eventually I snapped. My medication get like a placebo, I started self harming to feel something other than shame and guilt, and I started taking a lot more than my already high recommended dosage of tablets in hopes that I would feel better. I didn't.
As a result of all of this I ended up being an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks.
Since I have been discharged from the hospital I feel that the few, select people that know of my situation are judging me terribly. It feels like people are with scared of me flipping out or they're avoiding me entirely.
I'm so very tired. So down. I feel so alone and isolated. But when I am out and about I feel like people know what's happened and are judging me. And watching my every move.
I don't know what to do.
I've asked everyone for help and all I feel is shame for asking. I'm ashamed for not being strong enough to deal with this whole thing on my own. And I'm terrified of ending up back in the hospital, although, as hard as it is to admit, I think it helped and I came home too soon.
So I come to you here.... What would you do?
What should I do?
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
Please help.

Thank you

chocolateworshipper Sun 14-May-17 19:54:39

You have had a huge amount to cope with. Maybe it will help you just to hear someone say that. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I felt that my past really wasn't that bad and that I should have depression because it wasn't that bad. In therapy I met someone who had served in Iraq and seen friends being blown up. I kept thinking "my past is nowhere near as bad as his - I have no right being here." When I told him about my past, he had tears in his eyes and told me that he couldn't have coped with what I went through. It honestly helped me so much just to hear that.
My past involves people I love the most trying to kill themselves, but I consider that you have been through a lot. I hope that helps and that you can get the support you need.

DeadGood Sun 14-May-17 21:21:47

OP, how is your job situation now? And the benefits?

What about the police interference (sounds like they dealt with this shockingly) - is that over now too?

It all sounds really difficult. I wish I had some advice for you. But didn't want to read and run.

GenericAndGeneric Mon 15-May-17 09:22:13

Thanks for both of your replies. My work situation at the moment is - my husband is looking every day and night for a job, but I can't physically do it as I've just had surgery on my foot and am due for another op on the 28th, but once my feet have healed I will be on the job hunt too. And the Universal Credit side of things is grim. We had a second payment which was £390 less than what we were originally told that we were entitled to. Being on benefits makes me feel absolutely useless.
I feel exactly the same as the first comment, I feel like I shouldn't be getting help because I don't deserve it. There are people far worse off than me, but somebody else's headache doesn't take away your broken leg.

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