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I made a mistake in marrying this man.

(51 Posts)

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JammyGem Sun 14-May-17 15:26:37

We've only been married a week. I got so caught up in all the wedding stuff that I didn't stop to think what marriage would mean. And now I'm stuck.

We both gave up smoking the day after the wedding - a fresh start to a new life. It hasn't affected me much, I don't have any cravings or anything- I was really only a social smoker. But DH has turned into a short-tempered arsehole ever since. He constantly snaps at me and I regret marrying him already. I don't want to put up with this all my life.

Today we went shopping to get the last few bits for our honeymoon. I had a bit of a bad moment and started to have a panic attack while we were shopping - I have bad anxiety and depression, and it's been a while since I've had an attack. I didn't make a scene, I just told him I couldn't breathe and needed to sit down. He got angry and stormed away in a huff.
He came back after a few minutes and things seemed a little better, until he asked a question about what we were looking at. English isn't his first language, and I answered his question thinking he'd finished speaking. He had a go at me for not letting him finish, and when I explained that there was a long pause so I thought he'd finished the question, he went off on one about how he was trying to think of the words and started to passive-aggressively "apologising" for not being English.
I couldn't take any more so I told him I was going home and left him in the shop.

We're both home now, him on his computer, me hiding in the bedroom. We haven't said a word to each other. I don't have any friends or family nearby to go to. I don't want to deal with any of this anymore, I want to get away and escape. I can't believe how stupid I've been thinking i could actually marry someone and be happy. We're supposed to be going on our honeymoon in 2 days but the thought of spending time alone with him fills me with dread. What do I do now?

toffeeboffin Sun 14-May-17 15:27:41


toffeeboffin Sun 14-May-17 15:28:45

Do you own a house together?

HipsterRaccoon Sun 14-May-17 15:30:38

What was your relationship like before? Is he using patches or any other nicotine replacement for cravings? Giving up smoking might not be the best start to married life!

JammyGem Sun 14-May-17 15:31:35

I looked into annulment but not sure we meet the criteria...

No, we rent together. We're actually supposed to be moving towns and starting a new life elsewhere, although we haven't got accommodation or employment yet. We've both left our jobs but I could return to mine if I wanted, although would not be able to afford to live anywhere on my own.

LaLegue Sun 14-May-17 15:33:58

Three questions:

I got so caught up in all the wedding stuff that I didn't stop to think what marriage would mean. And now I'm stuck.

How long have you been together and are you usually this dim and feckless about such major life decisions?

Why isn't he using patches or a vape to help reduce nicotine withdrawal?

Is there any chance this could be a marriage of convenience for him? It sounds very odd that he's turned on you within days of the wedding.

All in all, really strange.

beforeihit30 Sun 14-May-17 15:34:27

How was everything before you got engaged? Is this the first time he has been this way / you have felt this way?

How is your mental health? Do you have any support? You have anxiety and depression and have been through a major life event, and your DH's reaction to quitting smoking is causing tension and you have also had an attack. Is there a possibility that this is a part of your feeling to get out?

What is your DH doing to manage the quitting? I've known people become miserable and snappy for a few months when quitting smoking, especially if they were regular / heavy smokers before.


PacificDogwod Sun 14-May-17 15:34:43

How long have you known him? Has there never been any inkling of problems or different expectations between you before?

What do you want to happen longterm? Improve your relationship? Split up?

Seek relationship counselling if you both want to work on this.

ONE WEEK in to a life time commitment strikes me as quite short tbh but I am not in your shoes.

JammyGem Sun 14-May-17 15:34:45

Our relationship was good before, at least I thought so. He's never been massively supportive when it comes to my mental health though, he just doesn't really understand and thinks it's a case of pulling myself together.

He's using a nicotine inhaler (that I bought him) but I'm not sure it's helping. I would go out and buy him some cigarettes, stick one in his mouth and light it, if I could. But his father died last year from a smoking related illness and his mum made me promise to help him to give up.

PacificDogwod Sun 14-May-17 15:35:52

All this 'starting a new life together': you do realise that wherever you move you take yourself with you??
You have ONE life, not multiple new ones.
As does he.

Duskybluebell Sun 14-May-17 15:36:40

Dh and I have been together over 20 yrs and I nearly threw him out when he quit smoking. Ecigs saved our marriage, he tried them after a couple of weeks of hell then weaned off them slowly. Another friend quit when his daughter was born years ago, his partner begged him to start again after a week!
Presumably at some point things were good since you got married, might be worth nicotine replacement before calling it a day!

Florence16 Sun 14-May-17 15:37:05

You won't meet grounds for an annulment. The grounds are very specific.

The smoking thing could definitely be amplifying things - is he still himself or is this behaviour out of character? Can you talk to your bridesmaids or a close friend or someone about it just to vent?

Have you been together long and had anything like this before? Sometimes weddings are hugely stressful and things can take a while to settle down. Doesn't sound like fun for you at all right now though. flowers

JammyGem Sun 14-May-17 15:40:21

Sorry, I'm a slow typer and trying to catch up! Thanks for all your responses so far.

We've been together 3 years, known each other for 7. He can be a bit moody sometimes but nothing like this. I really honestly thought we would have the perfect life together - I love the bones off of him and he seemed to adore me too. We had a few issues before with him being very unsupportive about my mental health, but I thought we'd made a breakthrough last year when he made an effort to learn as much as possible in how to support me during a crisis.

He really wants children and part of me is starting to wonder if this is a marriage of convenience for him in order to have kids, as he's always been adamant that he'd like to get married first.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Sun 14-May-17 15:41:43

* He's never been massively supportive when it comes to my mental health though, he just doesn't really understand and thinks it's a case of pulling myself together.* then why did you enter a ltr with him, never mind marry?
The smoking thing-my dh can be an utter twat when he first gives up, it's just the first week but, fuck me. First time I got on the bus and went to my dm.

PoorYorick Sun 14-May-17 15:47:02

He really wants children and part of me is starting to wonder if this is a marriage of convenience for him in order to have kids, as he's always been adamant that he'd like to get married first.

The marriage mistake, you can rectify. Might not meet the grounds for annulment (have you slept together since being married? I think lack of consummation is grounds for annulment, even if you slept together before. IANAL though), but a divorce should be quite straightforward for such a short marriage.

If you had kids together, that would be a lifelong game changer. So if you know you want out, thank your lucky stars you realised so quickly and just get on and do it. If Britney Spears can end her marriage after 48 hours, the rest of us mere mortals can realise we've made a mistake after a few days.

People might sneer at such a short marriage but you can't stay unhappy for 25 years just to appease a bunch of idiots.

JammyGem Sun 14-May-17 15:49:48

As in, a new life in a new place - we've both been at the same jobs in the same town for a long time and really wanted to move, so us getting married seemed like the perfect excuse. I know we'll still be US, but it'll be a different town etc.

He is quite short-tempered but I've managed to use humour to cheer him up and snap him out of it before- then we just have a laugh and all is forgotten within seconds of him being annoyed. But recently that's not been working, and he's been getting more personal in his anger. For example, before it would've been "I'm annoyed that this is happening" whereas now it's "I'm angry because YOU do this or that". It kind of makes me feel a bit shit about myself and I don't want to turn it into an argument by showing him I'm upset. He'll just tell me I'm passing him off if he sees it's upset me.
I've taken what he says on board and have been trying to change. Like today, with not letting him finish his question- I waited after a long pause before answering to be sure he'd finished speaking, but it turns out he hadn't. On the same note, if he had finished speaking and I didn't answer, expeciting more, he'd have a go at me for ignoring him and not answering. I cant win.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 14-May-17 15:50:03

I think you both need to take some time gathering your thoughts, which you are doing and this is good. You've both been through a very stressful time i.e. Marriage and on top of this, you decided to quit smoking. That's really bad timing. Dh vapes otherwise he'd be unbearable. It's only been a week. Life isn't all or nothing. If you decide the honeymoon will be a nightmare, it's likely to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

JammyGem Sun 14-May-17 15:52:55

There's no way I'd allow myself to get pregnant by him at the moment, don't worry! The situation is bad enough without bringing kids into the mix.

Yes, we have slept together once since the wedding, so it can't be annulled. I should be able to divorce though.

What a fucking failure I am.

JammyGem Sun 14-May-17 15:54:35

About him not being supportive with my mental health, I'd been getting a lot better recently and so it didn't seem to matter as much. And besides, he might not do much to help, but it's more support than I'd have without him.

foodiefil Sun 14-May-17 16:00:36

You're not a failure flowers

YourHandInMyHand Sun 14-May-17 16:01:43

My emotionally abusive ex partner would do the long pause thing. I'd either be interrupting him or ignoring him. It's a classic gas-lighting, head fuck of a thing to do to a partner! Oh and guess what, when I finally made the move and left him I felt brilliant! My anxiety and depression were soo much better!

Do not move away with this man.
Get your job back.
Stay put where you are for now house wise.
Keep an income and some independence and figure out what you want to do.

Think very very carefully if you want to be married to a bad tempered man who makes you feel like this.

Him not having English as a first language. Have you both talked at length about cultural expectations eg child rearing, roles as husband and wife, will he want you to be an at home mum, will he want lengthy holidays "back home", child discipline used, etc? I think this is important for any couple to discuss at length but as you have concerns about a marriage of convenience and him having a different cultural background I think it's even more important and may help you feel clearer.

Ecureuil Sun 14-May-17 16:05:07

If you've only been married a week, and things were fine before the wedding, it seems a bit odd that after a week of things being a bit rough (especially a week where you're both giving up smoking) you're considering divorce.
Things were fine a week ago?

Jaxhog Sun 14-May-17 16:06:34

Giving up smoking is a major thing! He (and you) are likely to be grouchy for at least a few weeks after giving up. Add in the stress of getting married, and I'm not surprised you're both struggling a bit.

Give yourselves a break. I'm sure things will improve. But probably not a good time for more major life changes e.g. changing jobs, starting a family or moving house just yet.

luckylucky24 Sun 14-May-17 16:07:22

There are so many red flags here. This does not sound like a newly married couple. You need to have some time apart and think about how to move forward.

spiney Sun 14-May-17 16:07:32

Just saying - mum husband was VILE when he gave up smoking. Just vile. Like a different person. I have no idea what your new husband is really like but bear in mind that nicotine withdrawal will be having an effect.

If you are really clear about wanting to leave him. Don't think about what others will think. Do it. Their judgment is a small thing against years of unhappiness.

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