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How do i help my hubby with his anxiety?

(9 Posts)
CoconutGal Sun 14-May-17 13:01:40

This year has been pretty rough for us so far. DH is being made redundant & struggling to find another job, my job is putting me under a lot of pressure mentally & neither of us are home much during the week anymore. We're both exhausted. DH & I often talk about how he's feeling but I'm unsure if its anxiety, I think it may be depression. He keeps telling me he'll go to the doctor, but he doesn't go. Its getting to a point now where he's snapping at me on a daily basis, he's miserable when I get home from work & he has no motivation. He began looking long & hard for a new job but now he's given up.

I've tried making suggestions to him, I've sent him links for jobs but I'm really stuck as to what I can do to help him now. I feel useless but at the same time angry with him for giving up.

forcryinoutloud Sun 14-May-17 17:18:29

So sorry to hear of your tough year Coconut, so has your DH been looking for work since the beginning of this year? Is that what he's spending his energy on (you say you both exhausted), is he not sleeping well? If he hasn't been already would he seek some help from the GP to discuss what's been going on and how he's feeling?

Just to help his motivation do you think he would consider some part time voluntary work? You never know this might lead to a job once he has some 'links' or do you have the funds for him to take a course.

You sound like you are struggling too at work, is there anyone you can seek help from at work? I really hope things improve for you both soon.

LightYears Sun 14-May-17 17:52:08

Sounds rough. Where does your husband go in the week if he's not at home.
Are you managing ok on your wage alone. Could you manage if you both worked part time.
Sorry for all the questions, what type of work is he looking for, if it's a matter of bringing the funds in for now, could he join an agency.

CoconutGal Sun 14-May-17 18:01:17

Thank you for the replies.

We both work during the week & I tend to get home later than he does. He began the year looking for work, now I feel like he's given up after being turned down for a few jobs. We could live on my wage alone but it would be very tight especially since I use public transport for work. He doesn't want to be on medication & doesn't want to take time off from work to get help, he's stubborn but I think equally his confidence is knocked.

AnotherEmma Sun 14-May-17 18:10:21

The simple fact is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself. You've suggested that he goes to the GP (which is what he needs to do as a first step) but if he won't, what can you do?

During the redundancy process, he is legally entitled to time off work to seek alternative employment. He is also still entitled to sick leave. If he is not sleeping and has depression or anxiety then he should certainly take a sick day and go to the doctors without feeling guilty. Frankly they are making him redundant so he owes them nothing.

CBT can be very helpful for anxiety and depression so he could ask the GP about that. Whether or not medication is a good idea depends on the severity of his anxiety/depression, if it's mild he might not need it but if it's severe he would be wise to take it. But again, you can't force him if he doesn't want to.

One final and important point. He may be unwell but it's not fair for him to take it out on you. It's not your fault and you're under pressure too. So don't be afraid to point out that snapping at you isn't on.

CoconutGal Sun 14-May-17 18:23:35

AnotherEmma - I am at the stage where I almost just say nothing to help him when he's low because the help just falls on deaf ears. I don't know what it'll take for him to get help.

LightYears Sun 14-May-17 18:37:02

Sorry, I've just realised his job is being made redundant, I thought it already was.
I agree though, you can only do so much.

fiftyplustwo Sun 14-May-17 18:56:24

First question to ask is if there are any jobs available in his field, or if he needs to retrain? The second to look into is the job searching technique. How does he go about looking for a new job? Is it an effective technique? There are different ways, like sending out CVs (not effective) and visiting companies and cold-calling (quite effective from what I've read).

PrincessLeia80 Sun 14-May-17 19:10:55

From a personal perspective and just thinking about what your husband may be going through mentally, trying to push him and help him to get on with things will have the opposite effect. Talking to each other is great but keep it to calm and supportive it's more about communicating and listening than what's actually said. I would offer to go with him to the doctors not only are you sure he's gone but he doesn't feel alone! The Dr should be able to suggest some councelling though it will take time. In the mean time you there are things he can do to help his mental health such as exercise and help his confidence with small simple achievements such as brushing up his CV or suggest if he's unemployed he takes advantage to decorate a room or two.

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