I hate myself

[Ivehitrockbottom]

I've been a long time lurker on here. Never started a thread myself before though.

I've hit rock bottom, I don't know what to do anymore.

I have just had gas company basically let themselves into my home. They came to fit prepayment meters because I haven't paid my bill for a year. I knew I had to I'm not stupid but I was having money issues and just kept burying my head in the sand. I now don't open my post.

They turned up and banged on the door, I wasn't expecting them today. I'm not feeling well or in a good place at all so just ignored the knocking. The more they banged on the door the more freaked out I felt. I just couldn't face anyone. Anyway, i stupidly left my key in the door and they opened it through the letter box.

I then had to face them. I'm mortified. Two of them were OK but the other one looked at me like I was shit. And then they were outside Fitting the meters talking about me and people like me. They had every right to I am shit and awful.

I'm so embarrassed and upset and hope no neighbours saw what was going on. I'm so glad my daughter wasn't here.

Im a useless human being and hate myself. I juggle everything but I just feel like there is no hope for me. My daughter deserves better than this.

I just don't know what to do anymore , I can't stop crying

[Harree]

OP, don't worry. There's no shame in having a prepayment meter. It will probably be an unexpected bonus in helping you plan ahead & organise your budget.
Ignore what the workmen had to say. It's easy to cast judgment without knowing all the facts. You will never see them again so f**k 'em.

[Ivehitrockbottom]

Thank you, you are very kind. Its just the tip if iceberg with my problems at the moment.

My landlord is pissed off with me at the moment too.
He was meant to come for a visit/check the other day. I was feeling unwell and having a bit of a panic attack. I tried to put him off by saying a was ill, which I was but he still turned up and again I just couldn't answer the door. I can't explain it I just feel panicky and I hate people coming to my home.

He has sent me a very shirty email (which I was expecting). That he is coming here again in a few days and basically requires an explanation of why I wasn't in. I don't know what to say. To be fair I was genuinely I'll (who wants to see people in between being sick) but I don't know what to say to him. If I tell the truth that I was having any anxiety attack he will find a way to evict me (he is already complaining my garden is over grown). I'm scared of admitting the truth about how i feel as I'm worried someone will say I'm not good enough to care for my daughter.

I am working and studying and ive just about been holding it altogether. Although I've definitely been hiding away from financial problems.

I have no one I can talk to about any of this

[fiftyplustwo]

Do you have a relative or old friend or neighbour that can help you sort things out? Or someone from a help organization? You will have to come clean and confess, of course. You have to get some help to sort out your finances, from what you tell us. Surely you have some friendly neighbour you could open up to, or someone here can provide a number to an appropriate help organization, one you can call tonight or tomorrow morning.

[Ivehitrockbottom]

I've decided to get help from debt advisers.

I'm scared what will happen with my house. I have kept on top of the rent and am not behind with that. I'm worried that if the landlord knows I have mental health problems then he will want me out.

I find it all hard to explain and realise how pathetic I am not being able to answer the front door. Its like I can't breathe and become paralysed with fear its so pathetic.

[Ivehitrockbottom]

Well I've just emailed my landlord explaining the truth of why I didn't open the door because of anxiety. I was quite brutally honest about it. I've never actually admitted to any of this before now.

[fiftyplustwo]

You might also want to go through if you have anything valuable to sell (think: ebay). It could be rubbish but people buy all sorts of second hand stuff (I know this for a fact) and small money will add up.

[Ivehitrockbottom]

That's a good idea thank you. Although mostly what I own is rubbish I think

[Zeitgei5t]

I'm pretty sure what they did was illegal as they basically just broke into your property. Not to mention the shitty attitude, I would lodge a complaint (maybe report it and get an incident number from the police to add weight), bills paid or not they've got to follow the law!!

Hugs. Falling on hard times doesn't make you a bad person or mother xx

[Ivehitrockbottom]

They said they had legal right to enter the property even though the meters are right outside on the wall by the front door anyway.

[Harree]

OP, it sounds like you have it more together than you think. If you're paying your rent on time, your landlord has no reason to evict you. If you're studying, working & looking after a little one, sounds like you have a lot on your plate & it's perfectly normal to feel anxious to an extent. Give yourself a break, listen to your inner voice. If you're constantly thinking that you're worthless, you will definitely feel it. Tell yourself all the positive things you're achieving. Remind yourself of them daily. You're doing a much better job than me! I only have a little one to deal with & a house to run. I'm impressed if I manage to put makeup on. Women who work AND study are like superheroes to me!
Can you self refer for some CBT? (although I don't know where you'd find time to fit it in ) You don't have to go to the GP in my area for that, they have an online self referral scheme where someone calls you back & does a telephone assessment before offering an options.

[Ivehitrockbottom]

Thank you all for your lovely replies. I dont feel like i can talk about whats going on with family and friends.

I didn't know you could refer yourself to CBT so that's interesting. I will ttu and look into that.

Should I be worried that the landlord has not replied since I sent my very honest email. Im getting worried about when he comes here at the weekend.

[Harree]

Is he just coming to check on the property? Has he had any complaints about you? I don't see why you should have any need to worry about it. He may be a bit cheesed off that he had a wasted trip but if you were ill that can't be helped. & shouldn't be held against you.
I was a landlord for a couple of years & had no cause to be worried about my tenants, until they gave me my property back & had trashed the place.
I've also been a tenant for a number of years. As long as you haven't smashed the place up, I wouldn't worry. Even if your house is a mess, you're entitled to housekeep as you see fit as long as you return it the way you found it. Make sure you flag up any issues as they arrive so no further damage is caused & your landlord will definitely appreciate it, unless he's the type of landlord that isn't interested in the state of the property & leaves you to it.
I'm struggling to see any need for your anxiety apart from the fact you have a lot on your plate. Is there anything else you're not telling us?

[Harree]

Have just reread through & realise your financial problems seem to be your main worry. Are you claiming all the benefits you're entitled to? The citizens advice bureau are very useful & can help you put a budget & plan together.
Also, maybe you could ask around for a local teen or retiree to help you keep on top of your garden for a few quid...

[Harree]

And also, I see some right shite being sold & bought on my local FB selling pages, one mans rubbish is another mans treasure!
Sorry I seem to have taken over your thread. Hope you're ok.

[Millymoonbeam]

Get help from Citizen Advice Bureau. Tell them everything. Your debts, your landlord, your mental wellbeing. There is help out there and no shame in asking. They can signpost you where best to get help. Good luck

[Ivehitrockbottom]

The house is OK. He hasn't had any complaints that I'm aware of. He just wants to see the house as he's never seen it before (he bought it with me as a sitting tenant and usually lives abroad).

I'm just worried he will be really pissed off with me plus now I've admitted to him by email that I have anxiety issues it might make him want me out.

I have had a lot happen to me in the past that makes me over anxious about everything really. I've had quite a shitty few years. I over worry about every little thing but i guess the money stuff is the main cause for worry for me at the moment.

[fiftyplustwo]

You might want to start by watching a few videos on Youtube how to get to grips with financial debt and money issues. I googled and found for instance "How To Start Paying Off Debt?" by some guy called Dave Ramsey. Just browse around, and check if you can see something useful that you could use. Have a notepad beside your computer and jot down any ideas you get while listening to the different shows you find online. Google on things like "Dr Phil Debt" or "Real solutions to get out of debt" etc.

[Littleelffriend]

I'm a landlord. I would really appreciate an honest email from my tenant and if the rent was being paid on time, in no way would I want the tenant to leave. In fact it would make me much more understanding and would stop me getting pissed off with them.

[Harree]

Hope you're ok, OP…

[BlankSpace1]

Bless you OP I know how you feel, I would honestly recommend citizens advice! My lady is amazing, I have a fair share of debts from a homeless period and she sorts everything out for me.. I think you're doing better than you think.
As for those workmen, REPORT!! you can't barge into someone's house unless you're some time of law enforcement I'm sure!
Hope you're okay x