Feeling alone/withdrawing from people

[Strugglingwithmyself]

Tried to post so much over the past week but keep deleting in fear someone I know reads this and knows it's me.

I'm struggling majorly with depression/anxiety ATM. I am having therapy and started citalopram today. I've been feeling really suicidal and am fighting with my head all day long.

It all come to head a few weeks ago when I went out drinking with a colleague/friend and I burst into tears. Friend was really understanding and supportive. Next day I apologised for my behaviour and friend said that's fine I can contact whenever I need to etc. I've kept going to work for distraction and routine although I am struggling. Seen person several times and he has been mostly supportive and again they reiterated they are there. I try not to keep being woe is me as I don't want to push them away and we do have normal conversations too.

Although I have nothing concrete to prove it I feel like friend is now withdrawing from me and I'm feeling rejected and like I've been stupid. I'm trying my hardest not to contact now as don't want to come across as dependent although I'm starting to feel it. I want reassurance but I'm trying to tell myself I'm being very needy intense over involved and selfish which is really hard to write. I struggle to talk about myself usually and to ask for help which I'm looking at with therapist also. Have I lost this friendship through my own stupidity or am I being paranoid? How can I stop being needy? The whole thing sounds stupid I'm normally confident and strong but right now I'm struggling to fight this. Thanks for reading

[MusicIsMedicine]

Get yourself the prof support you need and maybe lean a bit less on friends with intense mental health type stuff. Most people haven't got it to give and it can make people pull away a bit.

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

When we are unwell it can squew our perspective on things, so its hard to say. Some people unfortunately can't handle it when we are unwell, I've lost friends this way in the past. On the other hand you may be reading too much into things because you are feeling vulnerable yourself. Its great that you have started meds and therapy, hopefully things will start to get a bit easier soon.