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Need to get my life back

(14 Posts)
catley Fri 21-Apr-17 11:18:59

Lately I've been letting myself go. I've put on so much weight, I don't wear makeup anymore, I don't do anything with my hair. I don't even shower or brush my teeth as often as I should anymore. I don't really bother cooking I just pick at food or order takeaway or go out to eat. I've always been lazy, but lately I've become complacent. I hate myself so much. Apart from my partner, I don't really have any friends. I used to be bubbly and chatty but now I avoid talking to people because when I do, all I can think about is how disgusting they must think I am.
I keep thinking that if I wasn't here anymore, this would all go away. It's not that I actually want to die, I just want a way out of THIS life, the rut I'm currently in. Sometimes dying seems like the only option, since there's no other way out. If I didn't have my partner and mother who loved me I guess that's the direction I would go.
I can't really remember when I started going downhill, perhaps the last 8 months? I moved into my own house with my partner and was promoted at work so there were a lot of changes going on in my life around then.

I'm so depressed and feel like I'm in a viscous circle. I know all I need to do is get off my arse and make an effort. In theory it sounds so easy. But I'm just too lazy and can't be bothered making an effort. I don't even think I know HOW to. The thought of it makes me feel sick and scared.

I genuinely feel like there's nothing and no one out there that can say anything to possibly change this. I wish there was. Sometimes I feel positive and think I'm going to make changes but the next thing I'm back in my normal rut.

Has anyone been in this place before or known someone who has been, and what has helped to get them out?

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 21-Apr-17 11:24:09

flowers

Moving house and starting a new job are two very stressful things. What factors surrounding those two events were particularly tricky? It might help to focus on why this change happened for you, have a little dig into possible underlying issues.

I'm a big believer in therapy; when I had a difficult life event it triggered a lot of stuff for me. Therapy helped enormously.

catley Fri 21-Apr-17 13:35:59

AtrociousCircumstance moving from my parents was a big change as I now have a lot more responsibility. The first few weeks this was a novelty and I enjoyed it but I've since thought I just can't be bothered cooking, cleaning etc, even though I want to do it! Also moving job meant leaving behind people I was friendly with and meeting a whole bunch of new people. Again at first I tried my best to be chatty and make effort but as time went by I realised I was never going to fit in with these people and just stopped wasting my time. he fact that my appearance and therefore confidence has gone done doesn't help. I now feel like I'm kind of the recluse at the back of the office. I have no idea if thats how people see me but that's how I imagine myself appearing to the others. I also find the new work very challenging. My old role was fairly straight forward and I was good at it so I enjoyed coming to work. Now I hate it, knowing I'll spend the day on my own struggling with the smallest of things, and not enough confidence to ask for support.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Fri 21-Apr-17 19:26:16

You do sound depressed. Have you seen your GP? That would be a good place to start. When we sink so low sometimes we need some extra help to pick ourselves up again.

catley Fri 21-Apr-17 20:23:03

Hi NoLongerAnxiousCarer

I've been to my GP and through different kinds of therapy/CBT for the last 6 years. I'm fed up of it now because I feel like it's all a waste of time.

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 21-Apr-17 21:11:21

That sounds frustrating OP. How are things with your partner?

NolongerAnxiousCarer Fri 21-Apr-17 22:00:58

That sounds hard. Did the therapy help at the time? Have you been on medication? Has their been anything that has helped in the past?

catley Fri 21-Apr-17 22:13:47

I'm on citalipram 40mg. Was put on quetiapine (very tiny dose) for a bit but they just made me feel groggy all day to the point I couldn't work so I came off them.
I do sometimes worry about me and my partner. He loves me so much and I feel as though even though I love him, he annoys me so often! Like there's things I wish he'd do or wish he'd be like.. But I've assumed that's normal right? We've been together three years, we've both got comfy with each other. He's the only long term partner I've had, we're engaged but I sometimes wonder if I've missed out by settling down with the first person I met. Don't get me wrong I couldn't be without him and think I worry a little too much too often... I hope so anyway.

I can't think of anything that really helped in the past. I've never been this bad before. I've always assumed I'd get better as I grew older but it's the other way around. I wish I was back in the place I was back then even if I was still depressed!

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt Sat 22-Apr-17 08:30:31

You sound a lot like me, OP! Big life changes have turned out to be triggers for my anxiety and depression so I can imagine how you're feeling all too well.

How long have you been on the citalopram? Has it had time to start taking effect yet? The last time this happened to me I was given sertraline but couldn't tolerate it (made the anxiety worse).

I can't tell you what will work for you but in my case it helped to find ways to simplify my life. Limit sources of stress and stop beating myself up for not coping. It's ok to not keep the house pristine for a while. It's ok to not want to socialise, or to live on beans on toast while you let yourself recover.

It's important to recognise that you're not yourself just now - something is broken. Forgive yourself, and slow down to give yourself a chance to recover. Any time you feel a flicker of interest in doing something that you used to enjoy or find rewarding, do it quick before the urge goes away. Once you start restoring that satisfaction pathway in your brain, you'll be on the way to recovery. But equally important is to let yourself abandon what you're doing if it gets too much - without punishing yourself for it.

I know it sounds simplistic, but it helped me immensely to look at depression this way. I hope you feel better soon.

catley Sat 22-Apr-17 09:47:06

Thank you so much Badgers! This really made me happy. I guess I just needed to hear someone tell me it's okay to feel like this.
I've been on citalipram for about 6 years, started at 20mg but went up to 40 within the first year. I don't really know what difference it makes (if any) to be honest. Lately I haven't been taking them properly either though so that's probably not helping.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sat 22-Apr-17 11:14:47

DH is on citalopram, and the withdrawal effects if he misses a few doses are horrific he feels really unwell and mood swings. I wonder if you are missing doses if thats making things worse. Also if its not working would your GP consider trying a different AD? Not all ADs work well for everyone sometimes it takes a few goes to get the right one, but it can make all the difference.

exWifebeginsat40 Sat 22-Apr-17 11:19:10

my other half is on citalopram and is really unwell if he misses his meds for a couple of days.

go back to your GP and tell them how bad things are. you don't have to feel this awful.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt Sat 22-Apr-17 11:51:06

Definitely get on top of your medication routine. It's meant to be giving your brain chemistry a hand to function normally but if you're taking it erratically it won't be working and may well be making things worse. But it's possible you aren't really responding to the citalopram any more and need to change doses or change to a different AD.

If you don't believe it's helping you any more, see your GP. But do stick strictly to the dosage instructions, otherwise you'll never know if it works.

catley Sat 22-Apr-17 14:54:11

Thanks again all. I used to take my medication like clockwork but with all the changes in routine and stuff I've lately fallen off the wagon. I'll make sure I get back into that routine.

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