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Have name changed for this. I've just come home from picking my child from school and collapsed on the bed in tears. I've made a doctor's appointment for next week as my normal doctor is away. Hoping if I wrote this down someone might have some advice on how to calm myself down.
My other child was diagnosed last year with an incurable genetic condition, which will have both physical and life limiting effects. Whilst the prognosis isn't as bad as originally thought since this diagnosis I feel like I've been on a downward spriral which I can't get out of.
- I wake up every morning dreading the day ahead
- I am making major errors at work, really silly mistakes that I shouldn't be doing. My job is amazing - flexible, no pressure, easy - yet I am forgetting to do the simplest things and cannot motivate myself to get a grip. I feel like it's got to the stage where I can't recover the mess I've made as it's now gone back a year. The dread I feel when I walk in and out is overwhelming and there's no reason for it - the pressure's only there because I've created it through my own incompetence. My manager wants to speak to me in the morning because I've made a massive mistake and really annoyed a client which is inexcusable. That's me not being able to sleep tonight.
- This being unable to deal with anything is affecting my home life as well. If we get any letters/bills through it sends me into a panic, even children's party invitations . My house is a mess and I keep on forgetting things like the washing so clothes stay in the machine for days because I just don't think.
- I have to get to the school over an hour early because I panic incase I can't get a space (totally unnessecary) Talking to other parents, whilst I fake that I'm fine and chat away like normal, once it's over I spend the rest of the afternoon going over and over what I've said and analysing how everyone thinks I'm weird and stupid.
- My eating is out of control. I binge on rubbish like chocolate, then only eat diet soups for main meals and pace around the house like an idiot trying to burn off the 5000 calories of junk food I've eaten.
- I just feel like I'm doing a terrible job of everything apart from on the outside looking like everything is fine and even that's now starting to crumble. When we come home from school I'm so exhausted after trying to cope with the day I just want them to leave me alone. I just feel like all my coping mechanisms have gone. I used to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks when I was younger and had a bad time at university and am terrified of that happening again as I now have children to look after and my husband is having his own problems at work without me complaining that I can't do my own. I don't want to add to his pressures by putting mine on him.
- Sorry for the whining. I just want to snap out of this and get a grip. I feel so bad for feeling bad as my child's condition, whilst serious, is not as bad as we thought it was going to be and therefore I feel like I have no excuse to feel sorry for myself. In fact, my MIL even turned around and said we should celebrate that my child's incurable disease (that will end in a disability and premature death should be celebrated) because it's not as severe as we thought. My parents think I should get on with it and ignore my child's illness because it's not apparent yet. My husband thinks we should take everyday as it comes which I am trying so hard to do, but I just feel like the stress of it is leaking into everything else.
Also - apologies for the essay. Didn't realise how long I'd gone on for.
Hi there m. You have an enormous amount of stress there and it sounds like you need to get some support. Your hubby approach sounds sensible - Can you tell him how you feel? You are a team remember better and worse. I empathise as I am also feeling out of control following a period of stress and my anxiety has reappeared. I'm not eating well but it's a different side of the same coin. Have you a good friend or sibling you could talk to???
Im not surprised you are struggling at the moment. Seeing your GP sounds like a good start. As you are makung mistakes at work maybe you need some time off sick whilst you get on a more even keel. Can you explain to your manager why you are struggling at work. They may be able to access support systems such as councelling for you or adjust your duties for a while.
I struggle from time to time due to DHs illness and my work have adjusted my duties and hours when needed to help reduce my overall stress levels. They have also provided councelling and psychology for me.
I'm sure you are grieving for your childs diagnosis and councelling may help with this. I know I'm grieving for my DHs diagnosis and for the impact it has on our life.
Thank you for your messages.
I did speak to my husband last night and he was pleased I've made an appointment to see the doctor. I'm hoping that the doctor can point me in the direction of some kind of support as I don't really have any family or friends I can talk about this with.
Unfortunately with work I work in an office wth three people and so they wouldn't be able to run the company without me as I do all the administration. They've been so good about my situation already by letting me have very flexible hours and I can leave early for any appointments etc. I just feel awful because they've been so supportive and there's just no excuse for me being so rubbish. Dreading my manager coming in later.
I think you're right. I am grieving for my child's diagnosis. When he was diagnosed the first thing we did was put our house on the market and move somewhere that would be more suited to any adaptions for his condition. I think that six months of stress distracted me from dealing with the actual problem. When writing this down I can see that I'm creating other problems rather than dealing with the actual issue. Hoping that the doctor can help.
Thank you both again for your messages and wishing you all the best
Seems like you have anxiety. Events can trigger it and I wonder if your child's struggles have had a bigger impact upon you that you realise.
I do agree that you need to talk to a professional in order to help you come to terms with the situation.
Also you can ask your local SS dept for a carers assessment- this will look at your needs
I also think the other thing you should prioritise is your house. Tidy house - tidy mind.
No need to make a plan just literally get up and start doing tasks - cleaning, tidying in any room. Have a strong coffee to give you energy and out on the radio!
Not sure what happened there - my original message where I spelt string strong has disappeared! Was just saying strong coffee may not be the best if anxious - It would send mine rocketing!!! Music though is brilliant 😊😊
Are there any support groups for your sons condition? I went to a carers support group for DHs condition for a while and found it very helpful. If you broke your leg and had to be off work for a few weeks they would have to cope, this is the same.
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