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BPD with dissociative episodes, please tell me I'm not alone!

(18 Posts)
Chrononaut Sat 15-Apr-17 17:51:23

I am diagnosed, and its ruining my life as we speak. I do take medication which helps, but the mood swings and the loss of memory/hours of my day and wanderings about have left me at a serious crossroads. I wanted to know if others were suffering and how they keep safe? Whats your safety plan? Mine at the moment is to hide the keys in my house and keep everything locked and all sharp objects and hazardous liquids in difficult to reach places.

I'm failing college and my DS is witnessing my episodes too (I have no memory of them) please help, any suggestions would be great.

unweavedrainbow Sat 15-Apr-17 17:54:34

yes, I do. Part of me wants to kill me. My safety plan is to ensure that all dangerous objects and sharp things are hidden where none of me knows where they are. I lose a lot of time and yes, it is distressing.
Do you have support? CPN? In the long term you need a therapy plan. Dissociation like this is usually caused by complex trauma.

clairethewitch70 Sat 15-Apr-17 17:54:45

Bipolar or Borderline episodes?

I am Borderline (diagnosed). When I am ill I need someone to watch me all the time as I am apt to to leave the house and wander with no memory or aim. I generally find myself on top of major A road bridge and that is where I am usually found. I lock myself in, and contact Home Treatment team.

Chrononaut Sat 15-Apr-17 18:02:03

Borderline. Sadly where I am has utterly crap mental health support (if I see the crisis team again i will punch a person) I've been in the mental health system since i was 15 and I'm nearly 30 now. I've done group therepy, CBT, one on one, psychology, psychotherepy,hypnotherepy, just about everything.

I don't have anyone in particular assigned to me and its a huge problem because there's been several times i've up and left my house. I dont have support from exdh as he threatens to take DS from me when I ask him to look after DS in emergencies. I have no family near me either.

unweavedrainbow Sat 15-Apr-17 18:10:55

I get it, i really do. I'm sorry to hear about your lack of support. Do you know what's triggering your dissociation? For me it's triggers and flashbacks. Have you done any grounding work? It can help, I find it useful but you do have to realise your dissociating. How's your basic self care? Having a routine can be helpful.
What I find really scary is when I try to remember something from the past and huge swathes of time are just blank.

Chrononaut Sat 15-Apr-17 18:14:37

Anything remotely stressful usually does it but sometimes its totally random. My Bpd is severe anyway so the shifts in mood set it off too, it's a double edged sword really so I'm in this weird state of trying not to feel or do anything. OFC cbt would be weeping at that but its either that or screaming and yelling in public, which has apparently happened (I am VERY erratic during my episodes.) It's horrible.

unweavedrainbow Sat 15-Apr-17 18:16:57

Do you take a mood stabiliser/antipsychotic? I know it's trading wooly headedness/feeling nothingness for mood swings but it might make you feel more in control? For what it's worth, I had to take a really high dose to get the desired effect so you might need more than you think. Do you see a psych soon?

Chrononaut Sat 15-Apr-17 18:20:41

I have no idea when they're next calling me up but they're supposedly sending me an appointment through the post. So your guess is as good as mine. As for meds, I take Escitalopram and Olanzopine, the anti-psych is a small dose for now at 5mg but im considering upping it. I was on 250mg of qutieapine but i was so drowsy i couldnt function and Arapriprazol made me so much worse.

unweavedrainbow Sat 15-Apr-17 18:27:52

If it's the mood swings bothering you the most you could try sodium valproate or lithium? Mood stabilisers rather than anti psychotics. I take both sodium valproate and quetiapine. It does sound like you need more support though. Time loss is a bit of a red flag for severe distress. Are you eating, sleeping enough? I presume you've done DBT.

Chrononaut Sat 15-Apr-17 18:46:43

You know what? I was supposed to have DBT two years ago. Two, fucking,years. And no, my life is going great I have a beautiful son and I got engaged not long ago. I'm not as bad as I could be but this is still really, really bad yet this is the best ive been, if that makes sense. Like my best is still not good. I'm going to call the psychiatrists this week and chase my appointment up again. The only thing thats stressing me is waiting to see if i get pip or not and phasing in and out.

Chrononaut Sun 16-Apr-17 12:11:42

bump to see if anyone else has any saftey advice. I'm thinking about making a tag or something to put on my wrist with instructions on who to call and how to get me somewhere safe, which is humiliating but i dont know what else to do.

CleverQuacks Mon 17-Apr-17 20:02:34

Hi, I also have BPD and similar episodes. I am on citalopram and olanzapine, they have recently upped my olanzapine and it has made such a difference. I feel so much more human. I also use diazepam. My partner is very good at spotting an episode starting and getting me to take a diazepam which again really helps.

I have a medi alert bracelet, it just says BPD and my partners contact details. It doesn't look like anything other than a silver charm so people don't notice it unless it's needed. i also have all my details stored in the emergency contact details of my phone.

My husband is a big part of my safety plan to. He reports me missing to the police the minute I disappear and we have had a really good response (he does have to explain about my vulnerabilities because normally they would say wait 24hrs).

CleverQuacks Mon 17-Apr-17 20:04:29 This is what my bracelet is like.

wfrances Tue 18-Apr-17 12:28:03

i know what you mean ,its exhausting fighting the urges.
i have days where i do nothing but having to avoid everything .
the kitchen is my worst room , as it contains the meds, boiling water and sharp utensils.
my fridge is in the dining room ,as some days i cant go in the kitchen unsupervised at all so at least i can have water , yogurt and a bit of cheese.
im agoraphobic so no risk of me leaving the house but i do dissociate a lot , sometimes for hours , finding my self in rooms just standing there ,confused /no idea whats going on .

Chrononaut Sun 23-Apr-17 11:07:02

@cleverquacks that's a really good plan, I might use the same idea when my DP moves in. I've been thinking about getting a medical bracelet for things such as this.

A question for those of you who do have episodes and tend to end up housebound, have you had any luck with pip? im waiting for my assesment at the moment.

CleverQuacks Sun 23-Apr-17 16:06:01

I have been thinking a lot about applying for PIP but don't no if I would get it for my circumstances. I am able to work and things so don't no if I am needy enough.

I have also wondered if my partner could apply for carers but I don't know how it works.

Chrononaut Mon 24-Apr-17 11:15:20

@cleverquacks I think its worth applying for ESA if you arent getting it already. I am applying for pip because im struggling to complete college as it is. ESA is a bit tricky because I've found that doctors will only give monthly sick notes even though its a long standing condition (mines pretty bad)

Chrononaut Sat 06-May-17 13:38:31

So an update. Things have gotten bad enough that I'm having to quit my college course. It's stressed me to the point of some unthinkable things and I'm going to be heading to the doctors on monday. In the meantime, I've locked all the doors and hidden the keys to stop me wandering outside if episodes happen (which have)

Hows everyone else coping

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