When you've sunk so deep

[Knittedfrog]

Do you ever sink so deep you feel there's no way back?
So much is going wrong right now I can't see a way out.
Depression, stress, anxiety it's all taken a hold of me.
My situation isn't going to change or improve.
I know if I wasn't here my family would take care of my daughter in a way that I can't at the moment.
I wish I could just wave a magic wand and magic me and my daughter into a new life.
Sorry for rambling, no sleep again and no good. Spend all my time worrying.

[Nutmeg4321]

Hi Knittedfrog Hand to hold here. I felt like you nearly 15 years ago, and I am so glad I am still here. Rough and bumpy road with lots of ups and downs but along the way DD and I have had a lot of fun. Your DD needs her mum. Have you seen your gp recently? It is so hard when you are feeling so down to push enough to be heard. I used to struggle to get to the gp and then beat myself up afterwards for not explaining myself properly. Now I make a list before I go not just physical and mental feelings are but also the outcome I need. Suggest you show gp your opening post and go from there. I am sure others will be along soon with more support and advice. Good luck knittedfrog. Better times will come

[Knittedfrog]

Thank you for replying Nutmeg.
I just can't see an end to my problems or a way out. I feel my dd deserves so much better than what I can give her.
It's so consuming dealing with stuff and trying to make to the end of each day. I keep telling myself it has to get better at some point but it just doesn't.
I'm not eligible for any help from anywhere either.
Never claimed anything and yet when I'm on my knees I'm left with nothing.

[Nutmeg4321]

How old is your DD Knittedfrog? The most important thing for her to know is she has your love, care and support. When you are trapped in the middle of problems they seem overwhelming and before one crisis is over the next one has swept you off your feet again. If perhaps you would share some of the problems here people could help. Have you checked with someone like Citizens Advice whether there is help you would be eligible for? If you haven't seen your gp recently perhaps see what help/therapies they can suggest. Our brains sometimes get so overloaded with life it is difficult to see through the muddle. Mine just blanks out and I go panicky and everything feels overwhelming. Go easy on yourself and try to find time to do something for you too, however small.

[hayleyB79]

Hi knittedfrog. Just want you to know your not alone in feeling this way. I'm going to stay with my DPS family for a few days because everything's got on top of me but I know I've felt like this before and have got through it so I know I will again and you will too.

[Knittedfrog]

She's in her early 20's. I know she's an adult but she's my absolute world.
All I keep coming back to is that in order for her to be looked after by my family it would be better if I wasn't here.
I know if I wasn't here they would take her in and care for her and give her love and stability.
I'm not going to do anything damaging now but I just keep thinking if things don't get better maybe that's my best option.

[Knittedfrog]

I used to live in this little bubble. I was happy and content. I didn't need to work and everything was really lovely.
That life got pulled from under me. I am starting a job soon. Not brilliantly paid but it's a job.
Going to lose my house and have nowhere to live. Probably a load of debt will come with it too.
All this and I did nothing wrong but be a stupid housewife who didn't really speak up for herself and left financial stuff to her husband because she thought she could trust him! It's like I was living in the 50's. what a complete bloody idiot I was. Now I have nothing, in fact less than nothing.

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

Hi Frog, your daughter needs her Mum, no one else can ever replace you. Thinks look desperate now, but there is always a way back. DH and I have lost everything including our home twice, and its hard, but it is possible to recover from. Have you spoken to the housing office? Or citizens advice? There is help available to get back on your feet.

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

Also samaritans 116 123 or email [email protected] are always there to listen.

[Vstressedtenant]

So sorry you're feeling this way. Feeling similar myself though not quite as bad. My daughter is 16. I've promised her I'll stay around. Would that be something you could do? A promise to your daughter? You don't have to tell her just in your own head?

Hope you get the help you need

[Knittedfrog]

I can't go to the housing office. The house is mortgaged but money is running out and there's no more coming in to pay the mortgage and bills.
I won't be earning enough to cover even half of what is needed.
I'm not eligible for any help from anywhere either.

[Knittedfrog]

Thank you for your replies and kindness.

[user1491782574]

Speak to your mortgage provider - let them know what is about to happen. If you're selling then they will support you through this (I know - it's part of my job) - and it will help to relieve a bit of the stress I promise

[Knittedfrog]

user, that is what I want to do but my h refuses and thinks money is going to appear from somewhere.
He took redundancy insisting he could easily get another job even though I said it wasn't a good idea and voiced my concerns. Then to top it off he spent all the money without telling me. I actually hate him. So, because we've actually put ourselves (well he did) in this situation I can't get any help.
I'm hoping my sister will take me in while I save for a deposit to rent somewhere. Even then it will only be a one bed place for me and my daughter to share. But if he won't sell I'll still be liable for half the mortgage.
I also need to save for a divorce. I'm hoping that by going for a divorce that will force him to settle financially as well so will be forced to sell the house.
Sorry if I'm rambling again. It helps to write it down but it comes out as muddled as it is in my head. Wish I could just go and live with my mum but she lives in a retirement flat so I'm not allowed to. If I could I would have gone to her a long time ago.
I just feel like I will be putting on my sister and her dh. They aren't even aware of what's going on.

[user1491782574]

Not rambling at all - I totally understand the need. You are not in an easy situation. Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation - you could try that and ask specifically about the house?

I know it's difficult - but maybe talk to your sister. I am guessing she would want to help (if you think she would let you live there then there's already support) but she can't if she doesn't know what's happening. The kindness of strangers here is a huge help I know, but I bet your sister gives better hugs - and would hate to think you're struggling alone

[Knittedfrog]

user, thank you, you are so kind. I could do with you in rl!
My mum knows everything and says that once the rest of my family know they will support me completely. I just hate to feel like I'm putting on people.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed even though none of this is my doing.
I haven't worked in years and never had a career. I've got myself a full time job starting soon, hopefully that's the first step to a new future.
This has made me really that my marriage has been awful for years but I just accepted it.
People wouldn't believe it if I told them. He worked an hour away but last year spent roughly 20 hours at home. Didn't even spend one night at home last year! Claims he was ill and stuck abroad over Christmas and didn't even phone my dd on Christmas Day. I'm such a door mat.

[user1491782574]

It sounds like you've had a tough time - and hindsight has a way of giving us the clearest of vision. It's important though, I think, to acknowledge the things about the marriage that now anger and frustrate you, them try and pop them in a box and focus on the future. Even if only for a few minutes at a time. Gradually in time you'll find the negative moments are less and less. But it's not an overnight thing. Well done on the job - it will exhaust, challenge, and occupy you! Try not to look backwards too much - you're not going that way!

And thank you - sending a big hug and thinking how I should follow my own advice!

[Knittedfrog]

Oh user, I'm sorry. It has been a bit me, me, me!
I do hope you're not having a tough time at the moment. If you are I'm willing to listen. It's the least I could do after your kindness.

[user1491782574]

Ah bless thank you that's kind - it has been about you - as it absolutely should be - it's your post! And it sounds as though you deserve someone to listen to you for a change. You've described yourself as a doormat - it's a hard mindset to change. But you do have value - and things will get better - one day at a time

[sandgrown]

Sounds like you will be unable to afford to keep the house but speak to the mortgage company anyway. If you are on a low wage you may be able to get help with rent. Is your DD working ? Will She be able to help financially? If there is any equity in the house you should get a share and if you have been a SAHM for years you could ask for spousal maintenance if your ex works. The job will give you a new interest and possibly new friends. Your DD needs you so hang in there and please tell your sister ( she has possibly noticed all is not well) Good Luck

[Knittedfrog]

Damn you user, you've made me cry!
How can someone be that kind to someone they've never met. One day when I'm in a better place I will pay your kindness forward.
Even if I end up worse off and in not such a good place to start with I need to do what is right for me and dd.
I can't then kick myself for staying put and not having a go at making myself happy.
I can't remember the last time I was happy or the last time I genuinely smiled and laughed. What sort of life is that.

[Chillidawg]

Knittedfrog, why don't you trust what your mum is saying, and ask her to explain to the rest of the family the situation you are in. Take the burden off yourself. I remember finding myself in a dreadful situation, and I remember the sheer relief when my sister turned up at the door saying 'why the heck didn't you tell me, put the kettle on'. There may be no magic wand, but it helps a lot to have some people around who you can discuss options, schemes, cunning plans.

[Knittedfrog]

Chilli, you are a mind reader!
I've just had another long chat with my mum. She is going to speak to my sister and her husband about the situation so they are aware and hopefully will be ok with me staying there.
I've told her to tell them everything as some stuff I've been through goes back years.
I'm starting to feel braver but leaving and making decisions. It's just this bloody house is like a mill stone round my neck. If it wasn't for that it would be a whole lot easier.

[Vstressedtenant]

Glad you're getting support and starting to feel a little stronger

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

Frog citezens advice should still be able to give you advice on where you stand in all this, and as PP said if you are on a low wage there msy be additional support available and they can point you in the right direction. I would be tempted to speak to the mortgage company anyway and explain your situation even if your H has his head in the sand if they know that you are willing to engage with them about your half of things it will likely make things easier and less stressful for you. As your H hasn't spent a night at home in a year I'm assuming he has another home somewhere else too. Thats something to take into consideration when going forward into the divorce.

[Knittedfrog]

Nolonger, there isn't another property, he stayed in a company flat.
I'm spring cleaning and making the house as presentable as possible in the hope he may face up to the fact it has to be sold.
He still isn't aware that I plan on leaving but even if we were going to stay together we still couldn't afford the house anyway.
And if he lands a great job in the meantime he can buy me out.
I hate that my life has ended up such a mess.