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Struggling to cope (again!)

(2 Posts)
traynor11 Tue 11-Apr-17 13:13:55

Ten months ago my abusive controlling husband threatened to kill me so I had him arrested. After the trial where he was found not guilty he lead me in for months saying he'd change/get he'll and wanted to come home. I'm the end he ended our marriage and left me with 2 young children completely crushed again.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years and have also had an issue with drinking and cocaine (cocaine only happens when I've drank to much) which didn't help our relationship altho he constantly smoked weed and drank every night and thought this was fine.

I drink when I'm anxious which can lead to drugs and recently found out that the medication I was taking causes me to get in a hyper state which again leads to drinking/drugs. I finally sorted myself out, got the right meds and was doing so well, drinking normally and not doing any drugs until last Friday night where I went out with a friend and got completely wasted and did a small amount of cocaine (I don't even remember buying it!).

I am utterly ashamed and distraught at my behaviour. I thought I had kicked all of this self destructive behaviour and have been working really hard with my counsellor to sort my issues.

I feel like I've taken a million steps back and I've let myself and my kids down (non of this was done while they were in my care, I don't drink if I have to look after them).

I was feeling so happy and even got a new job and now everything feels tainted and the intrusive thoughts that my kids would be better of without me are back. I would never actually kill my sled but the thoughts just enter my head and I find it very upsetting.

Sorry if rambling, I just have so much going on I feel like I may crumble any minute.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Tue 11-Apr-17 19:18:41

Do you have any support from an addiction service? You've had a blip, but rather than beating yourself up about it look at what positive steps you can take for the future.

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