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To not want to live like this and rather be dead though it's breaking my heart

(50 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

SickOfPain Mon 10-Apr-17 20:52:49

In acute pain, on my knees in my bathroom, nauseated and on the verge of blacking out. There's no dignity like this. It's not always like this - but I don't want to die in an attack like this. I don't want my last minutes or hours to be spent suffering alone like this. I spend so many hours in clinics and with doctors and I'm ok with it but SICK of it. Hugely phobic of needles and invasive procedures and I just lose the plot and start to cry once I leave and get on the tube.

I have plenty of days without pain, but I'm exhausted. I have no life. I make plans and have so many dreams! Nothing happens. Because I can't do anything. In reality, I spend 5 days a week in bed 18 hours out of 24. I could sleep and sleep and sleep.

My mental health has been sliding down. I don't know if the exhaustion is partly mental health I suspect it is. I have been trough local mental health services who offered group counselling which made everything worse. I take antidepressants already. My psychiatrist does not think we should chop and change those meds.

I thought I was managing my feelings but I'm not anymore. I keep fantasizing about going to my local hospital with a letter, saying not to revive me. If I stop my medication for my illness I'll die soon. It would be dignified, more comfortable and less exhausting than attempting to stay alive.

I'm not an economically viable person and the constant worry and suspension of benefits (eg when I moved house, when someone else moved out) is driving me nuts with fear.

If I just could force myself to accept dying, I would not have to be afraid of anything anymore. I can't accept it though - I want to have a good life worth living, but not a shitty life full of pain and fear, but what if that is all that there is for me?

Wando1986 Mon 10-Apr-17 20:55:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SickOfPain Mon 10-Apr-17 20:57:16

That was earlier - this morning. I'm just home from an appointment that I made it out to this afternoon. Lying in bed.

But a billion thank yous for your reply, that really helped, you absolute star.

BrutusMcDogface Mon 10-Apr-17 20:57:54

What is your illness? There might be people on here who can empathise/help? flowers

GotToGetMyFingerOut Mon 10-Apr-17 20:57:57

Wando what a total dickish comment!

Op I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Do you feel able to share what illness you have. Others may be able to tell you what makes things more bearable for them?

SickOfPain Mon 10-Apr-17 20:58:02

I'm sorry if my lack of correct tenses is confusing however. I'm really shaken up right now.

Freezingwinter Mon 10-Apr-17 20:58:04

Well that's a really helpful first post, brilliant levels of sympathy shown here. Just what if this is the OPs cry for help? And that's the reply they got first? Have some bloody compassion.

If you don't mind me asking OP what is causing these problems? Do you have a medical condition? Please don't give up, life is always worth living! You never know what's aflund the corner.

Broken11Girl Mon 10-Apr-17 20:58:11

flowers another spoonie here, so I relate. Keep talking to us.

PeachyImpeachment Mon 10-Apr-17 21:00:02

Nice Wando prat

SickOfPain Mon 10-Apr-17 21:00:38

Nobody knows exactly what is wrong causing all these symptoms. I see a rheumatologist, an endocrinologist, a gynaecologist.

TheoriginalLEM Mon 10-Apr-17 21:01:43

There's always one isn't there hmm

I wish i had some answers for you OP. flowers

ScarlettDarling Mon 10-Apr-17 21:01:58

Wow Wando what a kind and empathetic person you are confused

Op I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Do you want to share a bit more info? What is the condition you're suffering from? What's your prognosis?

I'm not surprised that you're mental health is going downhill. Constant pain is absolutely debilitating and would wear even the strongest person down. Do you have support at home?

harderandharder2breathe Mon 10-Apr-17 21:02:15

flowers

I have no real advice but could read and run

Dying isn't graceful or dignified. When I was suicidal last year one of the only things that stopped me was reminding myself that dying is often painful, messy and undignified. So I'm reminding you of that not to be mean but in the hope it gives you a reason not to hope for death.

Broken11Girl Mon 10-Apr-17 21:02:16

X-posted with Wando, DFOD if you have nothing useful to say, OP doesn't need twattery.

SickOfPain Mon 10-Apr-17 21:02:46

I've been chronically ill since childhood but always pretty much got on with it. Always used to a certain amount of medical intervention. Then suddenly all this other collection of shit started happening to my body, and it's a long difficult process trying to sort it out. It never ends.

kerryob Mon 10-Apr-17 21:03:44

If you're ill for that amount of time I'd be surprised if you didn't have a form of depression.

Talk here, not everyone is going to be judgemental x

SickOfPain Mon 10-Apr-17 21:05:44

I definitely have had depression but I thought it was very much died down, with my meds, which I thought were very good.

Dawndonnaagain Mon 10-Apr-17 21:08:10

I'm so sorry you had such a shitty first response.
Do talk, there are plenty of people here who have similar experiences and may be able to offer some help.
flowers

SnipSnipMrBurgess Mon 10-Apr-17 21:11:03

I am sorry OP not only for how you feel but because after you poured your heart out, that was the shitty response you got.

I'm not sure what the illness is? I know as someone with RA I've come across people who present with various different and unique symptoms and it's hard, so hard when you don't have the answer. You WANT something to be wrong with you so it can be treated. It's a vicious cycle and one that's hard to break.

I agreement dying isn't dignified. I watched my dad died last year and there was not going poised or relevant about his death
I also strongly disagree with your assessment that you contribute notice to society. You matter. You might not feel it or believe it. But you do.

Guitargirl Mon 10-Apr-17 21:11:44

What have they tested you for OP? What I mean is, what have they ruled out? Fibromyalgia?

SnipSnipMrBurgess Mon 10-Apr-17 21:11:59

Sorry my spelling is shitty. I hope you understand what I was saying!

Onehellofaride Mon 10-Apr-17 21:12:10

Didn't want to read and run. flowers for you OP. Where is the pain? Do you have a good support network? I can completely understand your mental health suffering with so much pain.

IDoNotHaveTheFoggiest Mon 10-Apr-17 21:22:51

What are your symptoms and what has been ruled out

CashelGirl Mon 10-Apr-17 21:24:26

Long term pain is just horrendous. It is hard to keep your joi de vie going. Do you see anyone from the Pain Clinic? It is hard to read your post, to imagine your life as you describe it; it sounds hard and lonely and scary. It is really unfair that you have these difficulties. I hope your GP can help you through this, or that you can get the right support.

Wando1986 Mon 10-Apr-17 21:25:21

Give over. I asked a question.

I also gave the most relevant advice. If OP isn't getting the help she needs then she needs to keep fighting for it until she does. She shouldn't accept a substandard level of 'life' because she's being failed by her medical teams. No one else can fight for this apart from herself.

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