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Suicidal DM(10 Posts)
I really don't want to write too many details in case she comes across this post (unlikely)
My mother has had severe mental health problems since before I was born, not psychotic but mostly depression etc. and a lot of these present very narcissistically and she tends to think and act as if she is the centre of the world - I just can't think of a better way to describe her mental health problems
She has always relied on me emotionally and as she doesn't work and is agrophobic I am pretty much the only one she sees. Recently her access to mental health services has been cut and she's going downhill. She's never attempted suicide in my lifetime to my knowledge but yesterday she was screaming at the top of her lungs (within earshot other people) that she can't do it anymore etc etc and ran off down the street, returning 10 mins later and asking me "to be nice to her" (I'm never not)
She now expects me to forget the whole incident but its been very traumatising for me and I'm sick of propping her up - but whats my alternative? I can't hack being her carer anymore, its ruining my life. She always tells me I'm the only reason she's alive and I can't handle the pressure. Its gotten so bad in the past I've honestly thought that it would be part relief if she did die (I know this is really horrid)
I thought after yesterday that she needs to be sectioned but is this even possible? I could ask my grandparents for help but nobody understands the severity of her issues apart from me.
Any advice would be really helpful
I should add that im in my early twenties and i don't have a partner
You can't do this alone. Nobody can. Do you have any contact with the services she uses or her SW. Does she have a SW?
Maybe her or your GP would be a staring point, get some support for you and start the ball rolling to get her assessed properly.
Don't worry about thinking those thoughts, Been there and done that
I could contact her ex-cousellor/therapist but I'm not sure what they would do, she doesn't have anyone else medically (they've basically decimated the MH services in our area)
I just feel like i need somebody to take the responsibility away from me, I shouldn't have to do this and I feel like she doesn't care about the effect she's having on me, as long as my life is shit she doesn't feel so bad
I can sympathise. It is similar with me and my mum. It's texting with her. Last year the texts got more and more frequent. If I didn't reply within an hour I would get another and another and so on. I run my own business and was just busy and tired for texting all day and late at night. Besides which, the constant "bad news" was really getting to me. She always pinpoints the negative stuff in my life too rather than the good stuff.
She is married so not alone, but her husband has similar problems.
In the end I had to say I couldn't text every day and I just stopped replying. The guilt I felt at first was unbelievable, but I had to realise that I can't prop her up forever. I have siblings and I discussed it with them at length and they made me see I had to cut a few ties.
We're currently texting every 2-3 days. Any negativity I ignore. She's looking for a response and I won't give one.
As previous has said perhaps cutting ties to within limits you can cope with might be more sustainable for you both. Having worked in mental health I've found main carers often find the hardest thing relinquishing their own independance and releasing the guilt that comes with it. Although your mum obviously needs support, she is also an adult who has managed to bring up a child and manage day to day to varying degrees over the years and as harsh as it sounds she can learn to manage without you quite so much - or she wont have you at all. She has to realise that you will always be there for her but within boundaries that you need to be strong enough to build up and maintain. Do you live with her?
Any MIND services where you are? Xx
Yes I do live with her at the minute, I had some difficult circumstances with my ex partner and financially I cannot afford to move out yet. Makes it 100x worse
Yeah that must make things really intense and harder to create that distance you need to yourself. Its crap that mental health services are so sparse in your area, the only thing I can suggest is any charitable organisations that may offer support, or visit GP with her and explain the situation and see if theres any carer support out there for you x
Caring for someone with mental health problems is hard. I support my DH with depression and psychosis. The most important thing that you can do is to put yourself and your own needs first. If you go under you can't support anyone else. As PPs have said, setting boundries is important too, you can do this in a loving and supportive way.
Also speaking to both your GPs to see what other support is available (if any) for both of you. Find out what crises services are available in your area. A&E is an option if you feel your DM needs an urgent assessment and she will go. I've also had an out of hours GP arranged through 111 for DH in the past. In an emergency 999. As your DMs nearest relative you can request a mental health act assessment from the MH services too, there are some example letters for this on the mind website.
With regards to yourself you are also entitled to a carers assessment from social services. I've not had one myself so I'm not sure what they can offer.
Ugh my mum used to say I was the only reason she was alive too. It is such an awful thing to say.
Your mum is ultimately responsible for her own actions and it sounds like maybe she needs to take a bit of responsibility for herself and away from you. You are her child, but it sounds like if she was narcissistic, the roles may have been reversed for years. Can you get her to go to the gp as they are essentially the gatekeeper to whatever services still exist. Or at least the could see her more frequently/fiddle with mess. The kindest thing to do is nudge her in the right direction to get support from elsewhere rather than relying on you. Try to get her to call the samaritans/mind rather than unload onto you all the time. Maybe you could frame it as preparation for when you move out? Or maybe say that you are finding it difficult dealing with her problems as well as your own- you aren't a professional MH person/ haven't got someone supervising and supporting you like samaritans/mind have...they are better equipped to deal with it. All these options will probably provoke a backlash. How long are you going to have to live with her for?
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