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I don't know what to do 😢

(39 Posts)
CrazyCatMum Fri 31-Mar-17 04:18:46

Everything is too much, can't breath, can't stop shaking, feel sick.

I'm really struggling to be here and it feels like everytime I try and reach out for help it doesn't work out.
I can't speak to males on the phone and it always seems to be them that phone or answer the phone to me, I clam up,
Out of hours cpn only have 1 female cpn on tonight and she's busy and probably will be busy for the rest of the night but if I want to try and phone back again she might be available but it's doubtful oh and am I safe, no I'm not oh well try phoning later
I'm done with it

Spent half an hour crying in the dentist making someone else late for their appointment
I'm so useless at this, need to get a grip but I can't.
I'm seeing things again, feeling them crawl all over me

I can't cope with anything, it's just too much I just need it to stop, it's too noisy and sad in my head 😢😢😢

happydays2017 Fri 31-Mar-17 04:52:06

Didn't want to read and run, so sorry you are feeling this way, have you any support in RL ?

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Fri 31-Mar-17 07:22:46

If you don't mind me asking,
Why can't you speak with males on the phone? They can't be anywhere nearby. They are strangers so there is no judgement. Indeed if they are working as CPN's it is their job.

CrazyCatMum Fri 31-Mar-17 11:38:41

I guess I struggle with trusting them, I know they are professionals but I just can't do it.
When the crisis team phone and even though I know the males that work there I still can't talk and I shut down

Spoke to duty cpn this morning and have a safe plan in place now with extra support over the weekend until my cpn is back on Monday I just don't see the point though 😢

AguasMil Fri 31-Mar-17 12:44:18

CrazyCatMum, if you are seeing things then please present yourself to a&e. You will get a psychiatric assessment there and possibly some meds to help you feel calmer and cope with your upsetting emotions.

Is this an option for you? How would you feel about doing that?

Do you have any diazepam or similar at home?

It sounds so frightening for you. Have you ever been taught 'combat breathing'?

AguasMil Fri 31-Mar-17 12:47:51

I see you have access to a crisis team, may I ask what your mental health issue is?

NolongerAnxiousCarer Fri 31-Mar-17 18:21:08

Hi, glad to here you have a plan in place over the weekend. I will be arround over the weekend if you need a hand hold too.

CrazyCatMum Fri 31-Mar-17 20:27:37

I have borderline pd, severe depression, psychosis, intrusive thoughts.
Crisis team came out to see me this afternoon and I panicked because I thought they were coming to take me to hospital but they said as long as I kept being honest with them then I can stay at home. They phoned again tonight but I'm so tired now, didn't think it was possible to cry this much, to feel this empty and to hurt so badly all in the one go.

I don't know how to fix this or if I even have the energy to 😢

NolongerAnxiousCarer Fri 31-Mar-17 21:23:32

flowers catmum when DH has been poorly with psychosis he has had crisis team visiting daily. They much prefer to treat people at home wherever possible. Its really tough right now, but keep telling yourself, this will pass. Things will get easier. You dont have to fix this right now, just let the proffessionals help you.

CrazyCatMum Sat 01-Apr-17 22:52:42

I feel so sick, and panicked., went out for a bit but took a panicked attack and ended up crying my eyes out in McDonald's.
I scared I'm getting it wrong, I have nothing left to say to the crisis team, they have all heard it before and I'm just waiting for them to tell me to shut up and get a grip and when they don't it confuses me and think I'm getting madder
Everything feels pointless,
I'm so tired of breathing 😭 😭

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sat 01-Apr-17 23:18:48

Huge hug to you catmum, I don't think you can get it wrong right now. Crisis team are not going to tell you to shut up or get a grip, they know its not that easy. Panic attacks are horrible, what things help you to calm down? A cup of tea, or a bath perhaps?

ZiggyForever Sat 01-Apr-17 23:37:20

*CrazyCatMum have you considered phoning the Samaritans? You may have to call a couple of times to speak to a female but their job is to listen and provide emotional support if you're feeling as low as you are.

Hang in there flowers

CrazyCatMum Sun 02-Apr-17 00:06:53

I've had a bath, didn't really help. Have took my meds and I'm still in a panic.
Can't phone anyone until my son goes to sleep or else he'll hear me.
I'm just physically drained, every bone and joint in my body hurts, I want to curl up in a ball until all the bad bits are gone 😭 😭

ZiggyForever Sun 02-Apr-17 00:13:32

Did you know you can email and text the Samaritans as well? Email jo@samaritans.org and to text them (you'll get a faster response if you text) you need to go on the website and find the number for your local branch.

I do think it would be better if you could speak to them, though - it's good to make that human connection and they can support you through the night. What time do you think your son will settle down to sleep?

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sun 02-Apr-17 00:14:02

catmum samaritans have an email and text service if you are worried about your son hearing. jo@samaritans.org is the email.

How long does it normally take for your meds to kick in? Something I found very helpful when I was having pannic attacks was a meditation app called headspace. The basic version is free. Other things that help are guided meditations/relaxation. I think there are some on utube. The one I use is very good its called the golden core from www.nlpinthenorthwest.co.uk its £10, but DH and I swear by it, and it helps you sleep too.

Sunferra Sun 02-Apr-17 01:29:30

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. I have BPD and it's incredibly difficult to explain and to live with. It's so hard to deal with and to offer support because it really does feel like the end of the world. Please give yourself credit for coming this far, you've come so far and that show great strength and resolve. Try to be kind to yourself if you can. Sending love.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sun 02-Apr-17 09:56:42

How are you doing today?

CrazyCatMum Sun 02-Apr-17 13:42:03

I just feel so sad, sad for my kids that they got stuck with me.
Really horrible night with nightmares.
Think I spoke to the crisis team this morning if my phone is right but it's all just a blur.
I just have nothing left to give, I'm empty, have nothing left for anyone 😭

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sun 02-Apr-17 14:03:22

Glad to here crisis team keep checking in with you. I know that empty feeling, its truely horrible. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will pass. Just focus on little goals to get you through, minute by minute if necessary

ZiggyForever Sun 02-Apr-17 14:21:59

CrazyCatMum you said last night that you couldn't speak to anyone because you didn't want your son to hear. That tells me you're a good mum because you're looking after him and you put him first.

I'm thinking about you and please let us know how you are x

CrazyCatMum Mon 03-Apr-17 02:35:59

I don't know if it's I don't want him to hear, I just don't have the energy to explain to him why I feel like this and I think sometimes I guess I use it as a reason not to phone or reach out to anyone. I think sometimes it's just too hard to talk and find the words, I'm scared I'll get it wrong, upset someone by talking.

But then I get so angry sometimes that I want to scream at them, at my kids that I can't keep going on it's so hard keeping a lot of this from them but it would be even harder telling them.

I feel really sick and shakey, I haven't managed anything today, my poor cat didn't get fed until tea time because I couldn't get up, he's my baby and I neglected him.
It's just a mess, I'm a mess and I can't fix it, everything is too much and I just want out 😭

ZiggyForever Mon 03-Apr-17 08:33:09

I promise you, you won't "upset someone" if you talk to Samaritans, this is exactly what they're trained to do - provide emotional support to people at their lowest point, people who feel that they can't go on. They won't judge you, they won't tell you what to do, they won't try to convince you of anything.

But I know that sometimes the simplest of tasks - like picking up the phone - can seem impossible. I really feel for you.

How do you feel today?

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Mon 03-Apr-17 09:36:54

Cat mum

Can I suggest you read the thread by Tired, "He is only going to get worse". We are all a little cracked here. None of us as bad people. We are just a bit odd. No one judges anyone. No one every says YABU.

You are one of us.
You are not alone.

We are good people and so are you.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Mon 03-Apr-17 19:32:42

Hi cat mum,

How are you today. As ziggy says you wont upset anyone at samaritans or crisis team. They are all trained to support people when things are really tough.

CrazyCatMum Wed 05-Apr-17 00:14:51

It's too hard, everything is too hard.
I can't fix this, I'm not fixable
Cpn was back this week after being off for 3 weeks and I shut down, couldn't speak, couldn't tell her how I felt, the only thing I managed to tell her was that I'd picked up my sons prescription and by opening my big mouth it meant that I had to hand in over half his meds to them because I'm not to be trusted with them. I can't even get that right

What's the point in all this, everything is just a jumbled mess 😭 😭

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