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Am I being ridiculous?Anxiety taking hold.

(11 Posts)
Wantingtomoveon Thu 30-Mar-17 20:50:38

Hi! Total newbie here, please be gentle, I know the MN can be like throwing myself to the Sharks (I've been a lurker!) smile

I've been a sufferer of depression and mega anxiety all my adult life (I'm now 30). I've been 'OK' for a couple of years now med free. Until the last week or so.

I moved 3 hours away from my family in my mid twenties for career reasons.
Met my husband and we were blessed with a beautiful baby (now toddler).

For the last 7 years I've been nagging my husband to move back to my hometown as I desperately miss my family and being so isolated up here. Last year he happily agreed and we are just waiting for everything to go through with the solicitor and exchange & complete.

Initially I was ecstatic then the black cloud and doom that I no oh so well kicked in.

You see, my teen and my early twenties were extremely colourful and eventful. I had a good upbringing and did well at school but for some reason I was a wild child. I held down an office job but on the side me and a couple of friends decided to escort. Not to fund anything dodgy but to pay for holidays and luxury things that normal teenage girls couldn't. A couple of friends knew, my mums ex boyfriend knew and at that time it was nothing major just a young girl living a free life. I did this for quite a few years on and off.Later on I caught the herpes virus. A bit of a shock at first but a guy I had been dating had cold sores and at the one I was naive. Learnt it was very common. Again, a handful of friends knew and my mums ex (he was like a dad at the time although eventually we grew to despise each other). My husband of course knows about the STD. Not the escort life. After all, it's in the past not the person I am now. Although he probably wouldn't be surprised if I told him, he knows I was a bit of a wild child.

I have this sickening feeling that I can't shake. I feel sick all the time, I wake up with a dark cloud over me. I feel like I'm making a big mistake. I have my little family unit here where no one knows me. I've wanted nothing more than to move back for years though. Now I am wondering what if my toddler eventually finds out about mummy's past. What if someone tells my toddler when theyre old enough to understand? What if my toddler hates me and doesn't look at me the same way? What if I bump into someone when I'm about? What if someone shouts something to me? What if everyone in my road finds out? This was a few years ago (like 8/9/10 years).

I told my mum my concerns. She says I'm being ridiculous. I told my hubby my concerns (only about the STD part) he also thinks I'm being stupid and just trying to make myself miserable. He says that I'll die and all people will say is how miserable I was and that I could never be happy. I'm just so worried about the past catching up with me and the whole world knowing. My toddler is my number 1 concern. We have such a good opportunity here, home wise, family wise, upbringing wise. I just can't stop crying about this. I'm so so worried.
Don't get me wrong, I'm moving to a town of a population of roughly 210,000 people, it's not a small village but you know the world always seems like a small world.

I just need to do something about this, talk to you guys, get suggestions etc. I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person. I know my past life seems a bit gross but I'm the last person you'd think would do these things. I don't necessarily have regrets but I do regret not thinking ahead to how I might feel one day if I have children. I'm sh*t scared and don't know what to do.

Thank you if you got to the end 😊

Privateandconfidentialplease Thu 30-Mar-17 21:32:15

I have a skeleton in my closet that I don't want anyone to find out and I sometimes get really worried my new friends will find out and hate me forever for something dumb I did nearly 20 years ago. My oh knows.
I think you should tell your oh some of it perhaps? Then at least he would understand your worry.
If not many people knew about it, it is unlikely anyone will shout out anything at you.
Sorry you are having a tough time now, remember moving is extremely stressful anyway.
You said your husband said you were never happy. If you think you are depressed maybe you should chat to your gp?x

Wantingtomoveon Thu 30-Mar-17 21:50:15

Thank you for your reply Private&confidential. You have me curious now as to your skeleton. It can't be any more taboo than mine!

Thank you for your advice. I went to the doctor on Monday & she's refered me for counselling and prescribed Fluoxetine.

At first (for 7 years) I nagged to move home and was so excited. Then all of this hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm thinking "am I really doing the right thing here?" I'm risking my daughters happiness instead of enhancing it like I originally thought. I wish someone could tell me it'll be all ok.
Before I moved away I had a few years where I didn't escort back home and these thoughts never crossed my mind!!!!! But since I've had my little one things have just changed in my head!

Wantingtomoveon Fri 31-Mar-17 07:42:08

Shameless bump

ems137 Fri 31-Mar-17 08:06:00

I don't think your past would ever become known to be honest.

I think CBT might help you, it helps give better coping strategies and different ways of thinking.

I'd go back to your doctors if things haven't improved in a couple of weeks

Wantingtomoveon Sun 02-Apr-17 20:15:16

Thanks ems.

I've tried CBT in the past and found it wasn't for me in the slighest. In fact I cancelled the session short because I found so incredibly condescending. But it clearly works for lots of people which is fab.

I've been referred to a counsellor but I'm sure the wait will be long but at least I'm on the list now!

Wavehello Sun 02-Apr-17 20:26:15

Could you perhaps move nearby to where your family are, rather than the exact same place?
I'm sure it will never come up, but the worry/anxiety about it coming up might be hard for you to live with.
I have anxiety and did something in my past (before dcs) that I'd rather the DCs never heard about. Most of our friends around here know about it and I worry that if we stay here that my DCs will find out. I worry that my new friends made since the DCs started school will find out and judge me. I would love to move and make a clean start somewhere else. For me, the anxiety never goes away.

PinkFlamingo545 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:32:20

If it were me, I would tell my partner. Id just tell him as that is the worst that could happen in the immediate future

I don't think I would ever tell DC though. I would be amazed if this thing got passed down, but if a rumour or anything arises, I would deny and ignore

Tell your partner though, don't live like this

Wantingtomoveon Sun 02-Apr-17 21:15:17

Thank you ladies. I forgot to say in my reply today. I told DH last night. He turned around and said that he had kind of guessed anyway! I was rather baffled! He says some of the thins I've said in the past made him think it. I didn't ask further. He doesn't care, it's gone it's in the past.
Wave, I am moving to the same county but not the exact same area I lived in at the time (although it is not far) do you care to share your issue? (A problem shared and all)

Flamingo thank you, I certainly wouldn't want to tell DC unless it was necessary

Wavehello Sun 02-Apr-17 21:35:58

I'm glad for you that you told your DH. One less thing for you to worry about! He sounds very supportive.
I had an affair. DH and I were in a bad place (my fertility problems), and I chose to destroy us to give him a chance to pick someone else to have a family with, if that makes sense. Trying not to sound pitiful, but pressing the self-destruct button was the only way I knew to deal with my problems back then. Anyway, cutting a long story short, we separated briefly, I came to my senses and fought tooth-and-nail to get my lovely DH back.
It's ancient history for us (10+ years ago) but our close friends all know (it was someone in our wider friendship group). He got back with his partner too. I worry all the time about it coming out to other newer friends because I am still so ashamed of myself and what I did. The worse thing is that I expect that his child will go to my DC's school next year (small town) and I'll have to see him/his partner on a daily basis. It's bad enough when I see them in the local supermarket. Feel like it's my penance for shitting on my own doorstep, but I do think that while we continue to leave around here I'll never be able to forget it and worry that the DCs will eventually find out what a horrible person I am.
Having said all this about myself though, I am in no way saying that you should feel the same! You did what you did at the time, and it was a long time ago. Just sharing my own feelings and ishoos!

Wavehello Sun 02-Apr-17 21:37:13

*live not leave

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