I need advice, my depression and anxiety is crippling me.

[BorrowedHeart]

Since I had our second almost two years ago things have been awful. She was born with a heart condition, was dying for hours before someone figured out what was wrong. Then the relief disappeared when we were told there is no cure and she will need to heal herself or die. 4 weeks on, she isn't improving so we decide to try the transplant route, more scares, more infections and 3 arrests later and she has a heart. She is now 3 months old with a transplant, then it's recovery time. She gets home fully at around 9 months old all is great and I'm so happy.

Now that she is home things have gone downhill, a few weeks after her being home I called the hospital to beg them to take her back as I couldn't cope and it was so hard. They couldn't, so I battle on with the help of my partner, finally her trachi comes out and we can finally hear when she cries, (now we find out she is a screamer and screams a lot) anyway, I went to my gp when she was about a year old or just after, I got tablets for depression, they didn't work I was so tired all the time and couldn't get out of bed. I went back and we tried new tablets, mainly for the anxiety, by this point I am suicidal and seriously considering walking away as things between me and my partner had gotten so bad, he walked out a few times and I've been awful to him. New tablets work but I'm having chest pain, the anxiety was set into overdrive given that my daughter has a heart condition I got worried about my own heart so I stopped the meds.

Went back to a different gp, got some blood teas done turns out I have an under active thyroid (explains the tiredness) on medication now but need anoither test soon to determine the correct dose. I am still suicidal now, I hate being a mum as I never feel I can cope or do it right. My partner wants to parent one way and I another, we never agree on this, I'm always nagging him then he gets abusive (name calling, personal insults, saying that he can't leave because he would come back and the kids would be dead) our relationship is very volatile at times.

Based on all of that, an I being unreasonable that he has to pick up the slack with his kids when I'm struggling so much, I could never lose my kids but I am struggling so much with them, mostly just the younger one tbh. I have regrets and keep thinking what if I waited one more month would she be healthy, what if I didn't miscarry would that child have been healthy. I have gone through so much in such a short space of time and I can't handle it, I was a great mum to our eldest, always up early would make her pots of food myself etc always let him lie on, would go to the shops just me and the little one. Out everyday, no matter the weather. Now I can't leave the house and panic if I have to, which is shit because I have a child who needs to go to her appointments, again my partner will do most of these.

I just want to know if he is being unreasonable about having to do more (I also don't hear my daughter cry in the night which breaks my heart) purely because I can't cope, or if I'm being unreasonable to do less? We are hue a lot and it's always about parenting, I think he is too harsh and shouty, yet I can become psycho but only when I'm being ignored by him and I give up and stop trying to be a good parent and scream instead. I don't know what to do but I can't do this anymore, I can't be on my own as I will not hear my child in the night and that worries me, I'm also so tired all the time, I'm sad all the time and I cry everyday. I want nothing more than to end it all and be done, I know it will be hard on my girls but only the eldest will vaguely remember me, I don't want to leave hem but I want to be alive a lot less, this is not what I wanted, I am still grieveing for the baby I didn't get to care for, the hospital didn't listen to me and because of one consultant refusing to take my advice her feeding is fucked up, she won't eat, she refuses to eat she gets extremely upset by food and I hate passing tubes and make my her cry more. Please can someone tell me what to do before I do something stupid, I love my kids but it's all too hard and I just want to be gone. Sorry for this long post, I just needed to get it out.

[KavvLar]

I am so sorry all this has happened and is happening to you.

You sound like you have had so much to deal with. Please stay with us.

What would help you right now do you think? Practical support, a chance to get away, some kindness, a cup of tea. First step is sometimes working out what might help and then working out how to get it.

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

I'm so sorry. That sounds like an awful lot for one person to deal with.

I can't help much. I just wanted to say You're not alone.

Have you told your gp all of this? Do they know how bad you're feeling? Is there anyone else who can help out. Maybe take the DC for a day or even an hour just so you can unwind. Have a bit of time to yourself

Please come back here. I've found mn to be full of lovely people - much wiser than me - with some great advice.

[ohfourfoxache]

Oh sweet Jesus

Yanbu at all- I promise you, this is not your fault. You're not well, and like it or not, your dh needs to step up and look after you.

Do you have any family nearby? Do you have a network of friends?

Please please think about getting this thread shifted to the mental health board- there is so much help and support to be had there.

Keep talking to us xx

[LornaMumsnet]

Hello OP,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

[BorrowedHeart]

Yes my gp knows, and after a long wait I have counselling (none for the last two weeks as my counsellor hurt herself and then there was a holiday) it's helped a bit but when I discuss it with my partner he will use things I've said in arguments.

No friends unfortunately, just my mum who works doesn't seem to like to help when I need it but is very happy to always talk about her issues. Don't get me wrong sometimes she has helped, and has done a lot money wise and childcare for the eldest, now she works though so can't help too much but still will when we need to travel to England for appointments, sometimes she can be so draining though so I try to limit talking to her. No one can watch the youngest as she is tube fed and has meds etc and even my mum won't learn to do it so she can help, we never et a break (only respite twice a week for about three hours each time) me and my partner have never had a date and never will because no one can watch the youngest, the eldest is getting so difficult as well but I don't blame her as life must be stressful for her too.

I just don't know what to do or how to get across to my partner that he needs to stop making me feel guilty for being so ill. I just want a break, I'd love to just disappear for a while but I get worried I won't want to come back. I'm worried I'm damaging my girls by not interacting with them as much as I should do, I'm always reading new ways to parent etc and I think it doesn't help as I always feel I'm not doing enough. I'm sorry for ranting.

I didn't even think to put this in mental health, just thought I was being unreasonable to do so little and my partner to do so much, thank you for moving it soon. Maybe I won't feel so alone.. the loneliness can sometimes be the hardest part.

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

Hi borrowedheart,

It sounds like you have both been through an incredibly stressful and traumatic time, its no wonder that you are struggling and that it has taken its toll on your relationship too. Keep talking to your GP, there are lots of different ADs and different ones work for different people. Its really great you have got the councelling. I'm also wondering if systemic family therapy would be helpful for you and your partner together. DH and I are waiting for this at the moment to look at the effect that DHs illness has on each of us and on us as a couple. Its something you could ask your GP about.

Do you have any support from social services in place. I'm wondering if theres anything else they or your local sure start could offer either extra childcare for your eldest or more respite for the youngest. Is she bolus fed or does her feed run more slowly? Just wondering if the dietician could work with you to look at a regieme that would fit better with a daily routine for you as a family whilst still meeting DDs needs. I'm pretty familiar with tube feeding in adults, but don't know much about it with kids.

[BorrowedHeart]

We have like a family counselling with icahms it's for children with extra needs but we discuss us as well. My partner hates talking so we don't get much done in that sense.

She is bonus fed, she gets five feeds a day that run for about an hour and a half each, any quicker or closer to ether and she starts vomiting again, at the moment her first feed goes on at 8:30am and the last feed goes on at 11:30pm so getting to bed around half one asleep by two, I mostly stay awake until about three or more as I struggle to get to sleep. It's awful, waiting on hearing back about getting a peg.

It's just so hard and I wish life was easier and that she wasn't sick and I got to bind with a raise my baby the way I did her sister. My youngest was our second chance at doing things right, due to so much stress in the early days with my first and losing out on feeding her the way I wanted due to stress drying up my milk, I feel I've put too much into what having our second would be like and it's all just gone the complete opposite. I struggle with wanting another because I want another chance but not coping with the two I have so we won't have another one. I feel like I'm rambling again, it's just so hard with no one to talk to, my mum doesn't want to know as she hates talking about anything other than her own issues, and my partner hates talking because he just doesn't like it and it gets him pissy, then there is me, and all I want to do is talk and I can't, and I can't distract myself because I have no friends. I'm struggling to be positive and the panic and fear I have is getting worse, I'd just rather not wake up and it's awful but I regret trying for a second, yet I would give my life for her. It's all so confusing.

[BorrowedHeart]

Can't ask sure start for help as I had issues with them with my first and I can't face any of them without getting angry, we had social workers before while she was in hospital but I don't even like them due to the stress they also caused with my first.

[NolongerAnxiousCarer]

It sounds tough, you can always talk here when you need to. Are you hoping for a PEG? It would be an end to worrying about tubes coming out and needing replacing, so it would make life easier from that perspective for both of you. I know adults who have backpacks for their feed pumps so they can go out and about with them.

I'm not surprised that you are feeling all mixed up. You've stayed strong for DD all this time without the chance to deal with your own emotions. I think its normal for you to grieve for what your DD has been through, and also to grieve for the healthy baby you were expecting her to be.

[BorrowedHeart]

Thank you, it's so nice to have someone listen and understand me. We are hoping for a PEG, an email has been sent directly to the surgeon regarding a PEG, just a waiting game now. It will help so much I won't have to constantly watch her as much or upset her.