I haven’t been on here for so long, but am desperate for some help with my son, who’s nearly 13 (year 8). This will be long, but if you can bear with me, thanks so much.
Background: DS is very physically developed for his age. He started puberty at age 8, and is now 6’, covered in body hair, shaving and looks about 18. We have to take ID to his sports games. So physically/hormonally, he’s been like a teenager for a while. And I think (as does he) that the conflict between how physically developed he is, and then how emotionally resilient and socially perceptive he is (or isn’t) for his 12 years, is causing him a lot of angst. He’s become pretty interested in girls this year, but of course they’re all at such different stages of development around this age – and they’re all still so young.
A few weeks ago, DS’s girlfriend split up with him – his first girlfriend since going to secondary school. They’d been ‘together’ for about a month, with the relationship mostly conducted via text and video chat (not ideal), as they’re at different schools and live a way apart. DS ended up baring his soul to her I think – I think he had quite a crush on her and felt he loved her and confessed all this, overcome by his feelings, and my guess is that she got a bit scared off by his intensity. He was never unkind, or sexual – he’s a really respectful and conscientious boy; he was just maybe a bit overly communicative about everything he was feeling.
He went to pieces when she broke up with him, even though he didn’t seem all that happy when they were together. I expected this – of course it hurts when someone breaks up with you. And I’m trying to be as empathic as possible because, while he’s only 12, he’d become pretty hung up on her and clearly had some strong feelings for her.
Fast forward a week, and having seemed to gradually pick up with lots of TLC, he became suicidal. He was messaging friends late at night saying he didn’t want to be alive anymore and wanted to kill himself; I had their parents contacting me, feeling very concerned. This is utterly out of character for DS – nothing like this has ever happened before. He’s had phases of being a bit angry or anxious, but never depressed, and never anything this severe. These feelings continued into Sunday last weekend and DS, normally a big strapping lad who’s fairly emotionally tough and has a healthy outlook on things, was sobbing all evening. He absolutely, emphatically didn’t want to be alive; he said he wished he’d already killed himself. He asked me to kill him. He’s tormenting himself over the break-up, saying it’s all his fault, that he made her uncomfortable, that girls always break up with him (he had a few fickle primary school ‘relationships’ too, and the girls ended it with him), that his friends now think he’s weird (because of how much he messaged his girlfriend, and for wanting to kill himself), that he’ll never have a girlfriend and will always be alone, etc.
Looking on, I can see he’s got himself completely stuck in a way of looking at what’s happened that is making him, and keeping him, depressed. I’d feel shit if a voice in my head was talking to me like this constantly. He wasn’t in a frame of mind to go to school for a few days and I took him to the GP (who was fairly useless), and have now engaged school’s support – the counsellor and nurse have been very understanding and supportive. I’ve listened to DS lots, gently (and sometimes a bit more forcefully) tried to encourage him to see things a different way, to encourage some perspective, to suggest he is kinder to himself as he grows and learns, and I felt this week we made progress. I’ve been talking with him about how much to open up to acquaintances versus friends; to build closeness in person first and not via messages (not so easy at an all-boys school); to keep chat light and fun at this age – and he seems to be getting it. The last few days, DS has reported feeling more like a 6 or 7 out of 10 (we’ve been touching base with a number like this several times a day) and there have been glimmers of his old self – some laughs.
But tonight, he didn’t want to be alive anymore, again. He said there’s no point being alive. He said 'everyone' said his girlfriend was fine straightaway after breaking up, but he's still hurting weeks later. He wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. He said it wouldn’t affect me much anyway because it’s not like I’m dependent on him. He seems so resigned to misery; so flat. He’s so fragile at the moment.
It’s breaking my heart. I'm so worried about him, but I feel like I can’t help him much. I can’t just nod and agree with the things he’s saying! I feel like we need some kind of constructive, professional therapy for him that is going to help him learn new ways of thinking that can serve him well into the future – but nothing of the sort is on offer through school or the GP. His dad thinks he won’t get better if he isn’t able to just wallow for a bit first; he thinks he needs to feel miserable for a while, before he’s likely to reach a point where he recognises he’s not altogether well and needs and wants help. But to me, it feels negligent to just see how he gets on, because he’s talking repeatedly about not wanting to be alive. And his dad and I aren’t together; I’m seeing DS every day, and to me he seems fragile and often alarmingly low.
He’ll see the school nurse next week, but other than that, there are no other appointments or interventions booked in. Should I book something up privately? If so, what would be the most effective kind of therapy? I’d have to raid savings to fund it, but I’d willingly do that to get my lovely boy back. He’s normally such a settled boy, and he has plenty of lovely friends, is doing great at school and in his various sports teams, and he’s gorgeous. He’s just lovely. How can I help him put this recent blip into perspective – chalk it up to experience – and get him back to seeing and celebrating all the good stuff he has going for him? What can I reasonably expect in terms of him getting better? What can I say to him to help him get well, and build some resilience? Because there will be more girlfriends and other challenges.
I expect some lows during adolescence (I remember my own), but not lingering suicidal thoughts like this – surely this isn’t normal teenage angst? And I think because his dad’s adult life has been dominated, and hugely detrimentally affected, by mental illness (bipolar disorder), I am particularly keen to get DS any help he needs with his mental health, without delay.
Thanks so much for getting this far, and for any advice.
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Mental health
My DS (12) doesn’t want to be alive anymore. Please, please help me help him feel better
28 replies
Bloodyhorriblecurtains · 25/03/2017 01:21
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